The Next Great Adventure: Dead Man Talking
by PixelKind413
Summary: "To the well-organized mind, Death is but the next great adventure." When Harry wakes up in the world of Remnant, he quickly comes to the conclusion that he's either really bad at dying, or the best there ever was.
1. So, That's New

**A/N: I had like a hundred ideas for Harry Potter RWBY crossovers but I thought this one could be fun. I tried something new for the prologue, so if the first half doesn't really work just ignore it. Hope ya like it!**

 **DISCLAIMER:** **Yeah, I know I'm awesome, but I am nowhere near the sheer kickassery of Monty Oum or Rooster Teeth in general. And Harry Potter doesn't have enough explosions to be owned by me.**

 **PS: So I kinda forgot about how the chapter counter works while writing this, so to keep things simple I'm putting the 'prologue' in the same chapter as Chapter 1. They were both a little short anyways.**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[PROLOGUE]: A Second Chance**

Rhonda smiled softly, watching her son jump up and down on his bed. In this world, little Dustin would need all the happiness he could get - but it was still past his bedtime. She knocked on the door, and almost laughed at how fast he was under the covers.

She walked in and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Dustin, what are the rules about jumping on the bed?"

The five-year-old looked suitably abashed as he answered. "Only do it if you or Dad are watching?"

She nodded. "And do you know _why_ that is?"

Dustin shook his head slowly. Rhonda grinned. "It's so that _you_ ," she poked him in the nose. "Don't get hurt."

He giggled and grabbed onto her finger. "Mommy, can I have a bedtime story?"

Rhonda pretended to think about it. "Hmmmm… You've been very good today, so I think I can do that. Which one do you want?"

He grinned widely. "The one with the wizard!"

She smiled and cleared her throat, before speaking in a low, melodic tone.

" _Once upon a time, in a world far from this one, there was a bad, evil wizard. He wanted to take over the world because he hurt, and wanted to make everyone else hurt with him. One day, there was a prophecy that spoke of a child with the power to defeat him, so he went out to kill that child. He killed the child's father, and then his mother. But when he tried to kill the child, the mother's love stopped him, and it hurt the evil wizard bad enough to make him run away. The child's name was Harry, and people called him the Boy Who Lived._

" _Harry grew up, and when he turned eleven, he went to Wizard School. He learned magic, and stopped the Evil Wizard's plans to heal himself and take over the world again. One day, the Evil Wizard managed to heal himself, and started hurting Harry's friends._

" _So Harry walked up to the Wizard and told him, 'If you want me dead, kill me, just leave my friends alone.' The Wizard laughed and killed him, and then turned to Harry's friends. He tried and tried to kill them, but Harry had protected them with his death. With the Wizard unable to hurt anyone else, he was quickly defeated, and the world lived happily ever after._ "

Dustin stared at her with wide eyes. "What happened to Harry? Did he really just… die?"

Rhonda smiled. "Well, you see, Death doesn't really _want_ to take people from the real world, but it's his job. He has to. When he came to collect Harry, he talked to him. Harry impressed Death, that he would die just to save his friends, so Death gave him another chance. He brought him to a different world, a world where Harry could live a full life. Death brought Harry to-"

Dustin cut in. "Remnant! Here! He brought Harry here!"

She ruffled his hair. "Exactly. Death brought Harry to Remnant, and gave him a second chance!"

 **-[===]-**

Ozpin looked up from his coffee when his office began to glow. The gears above and below the room were spinning rapidly, which was strange because he was fairly certain that the entire structure was mostly decorative. As the green orbs above the office began glowing brighter, he retrieved his Scroll and called Glynda.

" _Yes, Ozpin?_ "

"Glynda, my office is glowing."

" _It's what?_ "

"Glowing."

" _Why is your office glowing, Ozpin._ "

"I don't know."

Suddenly, a column of bright emerald light appeared in the middle of the room. As it died down, Ozpin could make out a figure standing in the middle. It was male, he could tell, and seemed to be wearing some sort of cloak or robes? He had messy black hair, and as the light faded entirely the two men made eye contact, the newcomer's emerald irises almost glowing with energy.

The gears surrounding the office slowed down to their normal pace, and the man swayed before collapsing to the ground.

"I suspect it might have something to do with the strange man that just appeared in the room. Bring someone with medical expertise, he seems to be unconscious."

" _Ozpin what the actual-_ "

He hung up. He turned back to the newcomer and leaned back in his chair, taking a deep draft from his mug of coffee. What an interesting development.

* * *

 **A/N: There's the prologue, here's chapter one!**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 1]: So, That's New**

As Harry woke up, he knew something was wrong. This wasn't his bed in Gryffindor, nor was it in the familiar Hogwarts Hospital Wing. He wasn't in one of the beds in their magical camping tent, or even in Grimmauld Place.

He didn't know where he was. That was not good. Very not good.

And wasn't he supposed to be dead, anyway?

"Oh, good, you're up. You feel okay?"

Harry groaned and opened his eyes. Yep, still needed glasses. He reached out and fumbled around on the nightstand for them, before shoving them onto his face. A woman was peering over him with a mildly worried expression on her face. A woman with fox ears. What.

It was probably safe to say she wasn't a Death Eater, though.

"Erm… yeah? Where am I, by the way?"

A new voice came from a corner of the room. "Thank you, Nurse, I'll take it from here."

She nodded and left the room. Harry turned to the speaker.

The man in question had short, grey hair, but actually looked quite young. He had green eyes, much darker than the bright emerald that always greeted Harry when he looked in the mirror. His face was thin, aristocratic, with small glasses perched on his nose. He was like… it felt like a betrayal to think this, but he was like a cooler Dumbledore.

Also probably not a Death Eater, but mostly because the way he rocked that cane would have made Lucius Malfoy die of jealousy.

"Hello. I am Headmaster Ozpin of Beacon Academy, and you teleported into my office."

Harry blinked. "Oh. Um… sorry about that?"

Ozpin looked at him for a minute, then nodded. "I took the liberty of taking fingerprints and running descriptions of you through our system, and according to the combined databases of the Four Kingdoms, you don't exist."

Harry shrugged. "Given that I've never heard of these 'Four Kingdoms', that would make sense."

Ozpin raised an eyebrow. "Vale, Atlas, Mistral, Vacuo?" Harry just shook his head. "Well then, Mister…?"

"Potter. Harry Potter."

"Well, Mister Potter, what is the last thing you can remember before appearing in my office?"

Harry thought for a moment. "Dying."

"Cause of Death?"

"Killing Curse."

Ozpin tilted his head. "What now?"

Harry's eyes widened. Was this man a muggle? Oh well, he could always obliviate him later. "Do you believe in magic?"

The mysterious headmaster chuckled. "Yes, Mister Potter, I daresay I do."

Harry nodded. "Well, I'm a wizard. Got killed by another wizard."

Ozpin leaned forwards slowly. "Would I be correct in saying you have no knowledge of the creatures of Grimm?"

"Yep."

"Well then," the elder man spoke as though that solved all their problems. "That explains quite a bit. Welcome to Remnant, Mister Potter, I hope you enjoy your stay."

"What."

Ozpin gestured vaguely with his cane. "Multiverse Theory, alternate dimensions, you're from a different universe. Not the strangest thing to happen around here. The most unexpected, yes, but not the strangest."

Harry sighed. "Of course it would never be that easy."

"Tell me, Mister Potter, do they have Aura in your world?"

 **-[===]-**

Deep in the Grimmlands, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed teen woke up in the wreckage of a Bullhead. He patted himself down, reassuring himself with the presence of both his family sword and secondhand scroll. Pulling out the latter, he checked the time and date.

Good. He hadn't been out for too long, just two or three hours. Now to find the rest of the passengers. He turned around and his eyes widened.

Well… he'd found them.

Thing was, they were dead. Jaune was not ashamed to say that he threw up.

 **-[===]-**

"So… what is it that Huntsmen do again?"

Ozpin sipped from his mug of coffee. "Fight Grimm, help people, the likes."

Harry blinked. "Where do I sign up?"

Ozpin eyed him over the rim of his mug, amused. "I know I don't look like much, but I _am_ the Headmaster of Beacon Academy."

"Oh, right. Can I join?"

Ozpin considered it for a moment, before leaning back with a vague smile. "I don't see why not. Classes begin in two weeks, I would advise you to spend that time wisely."

Harry's grin almost split his face. "Thank you, sir."

The Headmaster paused on his way to the door, before half-turning back. "No, Mister Potter, thank you. I have made more mistakes than any man, woman, or child in this world, but something makes me think this won't be one of them." With that, he swept out the door.

What a cheerful guy.

Oddly enough, Harry still preferred him to his previous headmaster. Where Dumbledore was strange, cryptic, and abstract, Ozpin was (admittedly still strange) but also straightforward in an oddly refreshing way. And he had a cool cane.

Speaking of sticks, where was Harry's wand? He patted himself down, and almost had a heart attack when he felt an unfamiliar stick in his pocket. Was this…?

Oh Merlin, no.

It was the Elder Wand.

A quick pat down revealed the presence of his Invisibility Cloak, which was expected, and the Resurrection Stone, which was not. Well, it kind of was, but not in a good way.

There were no two ways about it - Harry was the Master of Death.

On the upside, he could finally get around to fixing his old wand? That had been the main reason he'd ever wanted the Elder Wand in the first place, Mastery of Death aside. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and fished around in the mokeskin pouch around his neck. After pricking his finger on the shard of Sirius' mirror he managed to retrieve his loyal Holly wand.

" _Reparo_."

With a pleasant clacking sound, the broken stick of wood snapped back together, just like new. Face-splitting grin back in place, Harry swapped the Elder Wand to his left hand, grabbing the Holly with his right. His newly fixed wand began spewing green and gold sparks as he swished it through the air. The Elder wand, not to be outdone, began sparkling in crimson and silver, and he spun in a circle, wands held high, laughing victoriously.

"Harry James Potter is _back in business_!"

* * *

 **A/N: Poor Jaune, wonder what's gonna happen to him. And Harry is the Master of Death? I bet all of this is entirely unexpected, regardless of it being literally chapter one of the fic.**

 **As for why the 'bedtime story' blatantly acknowledges murder, you gotta remember that this is Remnant. A world that is literally 98% Grimm. A world where people die every day. In modern times, we can afford to shelter children from death but in Remnant, I'd say it would be kind of hard to do that.**


	2. Welcome to Fight School

**A/N: So here's Chapter 2 of The Next Great Adventure! I hope you like it.**

 **DISCLAIMER: JK Rowling is not me. Monty Oum is not me. Rooster Teeth is not me. 'nuff said.**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 2]: Welcome to Fight School**

Airships, Harry mused, were pretty damn cool.

So was the idea of being a Huntsman. It appealed to all his desires - his saving-people-thing, the general masculine dream of killing stuff for a living - everything! And he was on his way to becoming one! Via _Airship_ , like the Hogwarts Express but infinitely cooler!

Admittedly he'd only known Huntsmen were a thing for the past two weeks - heck, he'd only been in the _universe_ for the past two weeks - but all in all it was literally his dream job.

It was actually kind of suspicious, now that he thought about it. He falls into the Headmaster's office two weeks before school starts, the correct age to attend, and is accepted no problem. Maybe it was the universe's way of apologizing for his until-recently sucky life?

Apology accepted, universe.

He was interrupted from his musings when the new broadcast in front of him changed into a hologram of a tall, blonde, strict-looking woman. He'd met her before, back when he'd just shown up on Remnant. She reminded him of McGonagall - strict, but caring underneath.

" _Hello, and welcome to Beacon! My name is Glynda Goodwitch._ "

Right, that was her name.

" _You are among a privileged few who have received the honor of being selected to attend this prestigious academy! Our world is experiencing an incredible time of peace, and as future Huntsmen and Huntresses, it is your duty to uphold it. You have demonstrated the courage needed for such a task, and now it is our turn to provide you with the knowledge and the training to protect our world._ "

With that, the hologram faded out of existence, revealing the beautiful landscape of the City of Vale. People crowded the massive windows, exclaiming over the view. One enthusiastic voice in particular rang out.

"Oh, wow! Look, you can see Signal from up here!"

A small, mischievous smile spread across his face. Beacon would never know what hit it.

Or was that overly egotistical of him? He meant, yeah he was a wizard, but it wasn't like he was _flawless_ or even a particularly good one. He had no access to any books or spells from Hogwarts, so he was just stuck with the spells he knew. Was that an advantage? From what he knew, all Huntsmen employed a particular variant of basic Soul Magic, which was not exactly something he knew much about.

Or anything about, actually.

Bastardized Soul Magic aside, Harry still had the advantage that nobody was expecting him to be a full-blown wizard. Most Huntsmen could probably throw off a Stunning Spell or fourty-nine, but some spells were too absurd to even consider any sort of protections against. The Jelly-Legs Jinx, Full-Body Bind, _Tarantallegra_ , ect. Admittedly, their 'Aura' should let them throw off the spells easily, but it wouldn't be an instant thing.

If 'Aura' worked how he thought it did.

Well, how he would have thought it did, had he actually thought about it. Which he hadn't.

Weird.

Well, the Airship had arrived at Beacon. So there was that.

As Harry made his way out of the Airship, he came to the unfortunate realization that he never actually figured out how to make friends, besides going through absurdly dangerous things together. Realistically, that technique would work here, since it was kind of in the job description, but still.

 _Note to self: learn how to make friends with minimal risk of dismemberment._

He took a moment to drink in the sight of Beacon Academy. It was majestic, with a massive, soaring tower at the center. Some sort of solar system model was at the top? It was the only thing that came to mind, even if it was nowhere near astronomically correct.

Oh. Wait. This wasn't Earth. Never mind.

Suddenly, his attention was taken by a literal explosion happening about ten feet in front of him. Had Seamus followed him here? No, they were both girls, one of them short and red-cloaked and the other one slightly less short and dressed in white. The red one was the one that had exploded.

And now the white-haired one was getting all shouty again. Had Harry found his replacement Hermione already? He hoped so, he had never gotten a chance to properly mess with the old one before it got used to him.

And then a black-clad girl walked in, nose in a book. Why did there have to be _two_ replacement Hermiones? At least this one seemed less shouty. And more obsessed with civil rights.

The shouty ones were usually funner once you broke them in.

The replacement Hermiones both left, and the technically-redhead - would that qualify her for the Weasley position? - collapsed to the ground in social agony.

And that's when Harry's saving-people-thing kicked in.

"Gah! Stop poking me. Who even _are_ you?" Silver eyes opened piteously, fixing on him with an mildly dissatisfied stare.

He grinned. "Harry Potter, Wizard Extraordinaire and Soon-To-Be-Huntsman-In-Training."

Faster than he could blink, the girl was upright and smiling widely. "Ooooh so am I- well, the Huntress thing, not the name or wizard things- I'm Ruby Rose, by the way!"

Weasley acquired.

"Nice to meet you."

There was a moment of awkward silence, before…

"So, I have this thing." Suddenly, a massive, deadly looking scythe unfolded in the girl's hands. She leaned it over her shoulder easily.

"That is a big scythe."

Her eyes glimmered with enthusiasm. "It's also a customizable high-impact sniper rifle."

He blinked. "That sounds… dangerous."

"It is!" Her smile was just on the cute side of terrifying.

"Oh."

This girl was better than a Weasley. She was like… a full serving of Longbottom bottomkickery, with a dash of Lovegood fun. This was excellent.

"Can I see _your_ weapon?"

"Um… sure?" He flicked his wrists, and the Elder and Holly wands shot into his hands. Completely and totally underwhelming from an intimidation standpoint.

"Ooooh, what do they do? Do they turn into swords? Or some sort of telescopic staff? Or maybe it unfolds into a gun or-"

"They do magic."

Ruby looked at them skeptically. "How? I don't see any Dust or crystals."

He twirled the wands around his fingers. "Nor should you."

Her eyes widened. "Is it your Semblance?"

He smirked and slipped them into his sleeves. "That's for me to know, and you to find out."

Being mysterious was _fun_! Harry totally saw why Dumbledore acted how he did. Speaking of which…

He popped a bright yellow candy into his mouth and held the bag out towards the girl.

"Lemon drop?"

He'd gone through at least thirty candy stores to find them in Vale, but the look on Ruby's face made it all worth it.

 **-[===]-**

Jaune was pretty sure that if you were lost, you were supposed to stay as close to your original location as you could, or find the nearest landmarks and head there.

Unfortunately, the one place that filled both criteria was full of dead bodies and scavenging Grimm.

Everywhere else had more Grimm.

Fortunately, his scroll had a compass function. Fortunately, he knew where the crash had taken place. Fortunately, he knew how to get to his original destination.

Unfortunately, Beacon Academy was about two months away on foot. More, if one considered the various Grimm that one would doubtless encounter on a trek through the aptly named Grimmlands.

Jaune, ironically enough, failed to consider the Grimm.

 **-[===]-**

Harry felt betrayed. His new loyal pseudo-Weasley turned out to be not so loyal after all - ditching him to hang out with the blonde! Admittedly, as a warm-blooded male he could see the appeal, but Ruby was, like, fifteen! And it was her _sister_ for Merlin's sake!

Oh. Wait.

You know what? Harry wasn't in the mood to listen to reasons. He had to establish dominance over the pseudo-Weasley and beat her at her own game! With that in mind, he walked up to the next person he saw. She too had red hair, although it was entirely blood-red rather than dark brown with red highlights. And she was kind of wearing full greek armor.

"Hello person I don't know. Lemon drop?"

The girl's stare switched between him and the bag a few times, before she hesitantly grabbed a lemon drop and put it in her mouth.

"I'm Harry, by the way. Harry Potter."

A sigh. "Pyrrha Nikos, although I'm sure you already knew that."

"I don't know why I would."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Oh, is this one of those things where you're famous but don't want to be?"

Pyrrha nodded sadly. "Unfortunately, that is the case."

Harry poked her in the arm. "I can't say I know exactly what you're feeling, but I had to deal with something like that too at my old school. Do they have a dumb nickname title thing for you as well?"

"Sometimes I am referred to as 'The Invincible Girl'."

"Better than 'Boy-Who-Lived'," grumbled Harry.

She smirked. "What on Remnant did you do to earn that title?"

"Let's just say that I started my 'defeating Dark Lords' streak at the age of one and leave it at that."

"I am not sure whether or not I want to know the full story behind that."

"You don't, trust me. And what about you? How'd you become 'The Invincible Girl'?"

"It was an interesting blend of battle prowess and cereal sponsorship."

Harry blinked.

"Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes. Unfortunately, the cereal isn't very good for you."

"Got it."

Out of the corner of his eye, Harry spied Hermione Replacement: Shouty Edition verbally assaulting the Pseudo-Weasley. Served her right for immediately abandoning him for some buxom blonde.

It had taken Ron like, six years to do that.

Harry's nonexistent bitterness aside, Ozpin began his speech.

" I'll... keep this brief. You have traveled here today in search of knowledge, to hone your craft and acquire new skills, and when you have finished, you plan to dedicate your life to the protection of the people. But I look amongst you, and all I see is wasted energy, in need of purpose, direction."

Harry was totally okay with Ozpin taking a jab at literally everyone in the room. The Headmaster was cool enough to pull it off naturally, although from the whispering around him many of his fellow students disagreed.

"You assume knowledge will free you of this, but your time at this school will prove that knowledge can only carry you so far. It is up to you to take the first step."

That… was actually a good point. It was a lesson that Harry learned the hard way.

The hard way, of course, was listening to one of Hermione's rants on the importance of self-advocacy and building a career path and not saying you planned to join the Chudley Cannons as a cheap cop-out from career counselling with McGonagall.

Either way, Hermione Replacement: Shouty Edition (HR:SE for short, it was getting a bit much to think out the whole name every time) had brought the attention of both Ruby the Disloyal and Blonde the Blonde upon him, and that gave him a previously unparalleled opportunity - to steal the blonde for himself while pseudo-Weasley was distracted.

Harry winked and mimed throwing a lemon drop at the girl. Her face brightened and she lowered her stance, ready to move in any direction. She was about eight yards away from him, so he'd have to make sure he got the right angle.

He shot…

He _scored_! The look on HR:SE's face when the bright yellow candy soared directly over her head and into the blonde girl's mouth was _priceless_! Multiple objectives had been achieved!

By the time he turned back to Pyrrha, she was already gone.

* * *

 **A/N: Initiation looms on the horizon, and Harry is not starved for choices.**

 **Will he partner up with The Invincible Girl, pseudo-Weasley, Blonde the Blonde, either member of the Hermione Replacement Squad, or will he make new friends entirely?**

 **Will Jaune get violently mauled by Grimm and die a painful death with his intestines leaking out his ears and so forth?**

 **Will I actually _write_ Chapter 3?**

 **All of these questions remain to be answered. Tune in next week to find out, I guess.**

* * *

 **TheFishKing** \- _I don't really have the same frustration of him, simply because i binge-watched the entirety of volumes 1-5 over three days rather than watch them weekly as they came out. Other than that, I make no promises._

 **Comodo50** \- _Fairy Tales are based on facts, you know._

 **HaveBookWillTravel** \- _Jaune is not dead. Yet. Ghost Jaune would be kinda funny, now that i think about it. On the subject of Harry's squishiness, it will eventually be solved but remember: the only form of actual fighting he's had was basically standing or running while shooting spells at each other. Huntsmen do all kind of crazy acrobatics and stabby techniques that he is in no way prepared for._

 _I actually forgot about that at first and I was having problems figuring out how to make it not an instantaneous Super!Harry fic. Thank you for that._

 _And thanks for the support!_

 **SirSpangler, The Shadows Mistress, AzureSoulReaper, Guest1** \- _Thanks for your support! No, really. I appreciate it. A lot. Thank you._

* * *

 **[TARGET UPDATE DATE]: June 7, but I make no promises.**

 **Please, leave me reviews. Did you think I did anything particularly well? Anything I need to work on? Did anything make you laugh? Where do you think I should go with this? A key aspect to improving skills is feedback, and thats what reviews are for me. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Rule One of Fight School

**A/N: So here's chapter 3. Finally. I'm really sorry this is late, but I had finals and graduation and the internet pipes froze and I had to learn how to do _income taxes_ and it was just a sucky week in general. But, hey, chapter 3 exists now. You're welcome.**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 3]: Rule One Of Fight School**

There's an old saying about politics making strange bedfellows.

In Harry's opinion, having an entire year's worth of students sleep in one big room made even stranger bedfellows, not to mention some really awkward moments. For example, slipping out of his Conjured squashy purple sleeping bag was difficult when there were three separate people using it as a pillow, but he managed. Plotting his way across the room, he spied more than one puppy pile of bodies, male and female alike. He stepped over a stray copy of 'Ninjas of Love' and very carefully didn't think about the possible contents of such a book.

It was worryingly close to Hermione Replacement: Literary Edition.

Having made it out of the sociopolitical minefield that was a bunch of sleeping teenagers, Harry took a moment to get his bearings before heading to the locker room. He had grown up at _Hogwarts_ , which was practically designed to confuse newcomers. He was still reasonably certain that one staircase on the fifth floor had been trying to assassinate him.

Compared to _that_ mess, this school was a breeze to navigate. You didn't even have to seduce any paintings to get anywhere! Not that Harry ever wanted to go through _that_ again.

He would never look at those monks the same way.

As he entered the locker room, he idly Conjured a toothbrush and some toothpaste. It wasn't like they had any need to exist after he was done with them, so what did it matter? He was being _economical_. Hermione always said that was important.

Besides, he thought as the toothbrush jumped into his mouth of its own accord, it wasn't like anyone was watching.

"Oh my Gods, Ren, did you _see_ that? He just made a tube of toothpaste out of _thin air_!"

Whoops.

"I mean, is that his Semblance? Is he some kind of toothpaste wizard?"

Now that he thought about it, shooting toothpaste at someone might actually be an effective battle strategy. Incapacitation by Minty Fresh?

"And the toothbrush is brushing his teeth on its own! What even _is_ he?"

The thing _was_ being mildly aggressive, maybe eight of them on one person could be an effective distraction?

"Nora…" the boy with a lock of pink hair spoke quietly. "Leave him alone, please?"

"But _Renny_ , he's a Toothpaste Wizard!" And now she was poking him. "Do you think he'd leak toothpaste if I hit him hard enough?"

A deep sigh. "Nora, you're not allowed to hit him to see if toothpaste comes out."

"Awwwwwww! Wait, what if I'm out of toothpaste and need some?"

"Nora, you're not allowed to hit him for toothpaste."

"Awwwwwww!"

Harry spat the toothbrush into the sink and Vanished the whole mess.

"Actually, um, I'd prefer she didn't hit me at all?"

Ren looked at him apologetically. "So would I, but we are at a school for huntsmen. I cannot dismiss the possibility that you will have to spar with Nora."

"Oh. Fair enough. I'm Harry, by the way. Harry Potter."

"Lie Ren."

The hyperactive redhead threw herself over Ren's shoulder. "NORA VALKYRIE!"

"Is she… always like this?"

"Yes," replied Ren mournfully as Nora giggled and booped him in the nose. "She is."

 **-[===]-**

Harry surveyed the breakfast table from behind his massive stack of pancakes.

Pseudo-Weasley and Blonde the Blonde were eating together, as expected. As if he hadn't previously recruited Ruby the Now Disloyal to his cause. Perhaps… perhaps he would have to recruit _both_ of them for it to work properly? He needed a new name for the blonde, though.

Pyrrha was quietly eating while HR:SE was completely and utterly failing to sway her to her cause. He felt smug satisfaction that his methods were so effective they inspired a level of loyalty not even a Hermione Replacement could overcome.

Or maybe HR:SE was just bad at making friends.

Take that, Hermione! He was better than her at something.

Well, better than a knockoff of her at something.

Something she never actually cared about.

Victory had never been so unsatisfying. Seeking to drown his sorrows in pancakes, he turned back to his plate. All his pancakes were gone. On his other side, Nora had a goofy grin on her face and half of a pancake hanging out of her mouth. Half of _his_ pancake. Ren shook his head apologetically.

Breakfast thieves, the both of them.

Harry pointedly turned away from the dastardly Pancake Brigands and continued his reconnaissance of the table. HR:LE was, predictably enough, reading while eating- tuna? For breakfast? What.

Some people were just weird, he guessed. Although he did wonder where exactly she got tuna from, since he didn't see it anywhere else.

 **-[===]-**

Jaune was really reconsidering his life choices as he scrabbled through the mud, searching for his sword frantically.

One moment, he'd been peacefully walking through a forest - well, Grimmland forest - and the next he was on the ground, thanking the gods that he'd brought a shield.

In hindsight, it was kind of a dumb plan. Oh, huntsmen walk across miles upon miles of Grimm-infested forest daily! Beacon can't be that far on foot! He'd be _fine_.

Apparently, an Ursa had taken it upon itself to prove him wrong. Its teeth were bared, and its red eyes glowed with hatred. It wanted to eat him.

Jaune did not want to be eaten. What he wanted was to become a Huntsman. And Huntsmen, he mused, killed Grimm.

As the massive bearlike Grimm roared in anger, he amended his previous statement. It didn't want to eat him. It wasn't complex enough to _want_ anything. It would just… eat him. It wouldn't think twice about it, it wouldn't worry about if it was strong enough to eat him. It would just do so.

As his hand finally met the hilt of his ancestral blade, Jaune decided he didn't _want to be_ a Huntsman anymore.

He decided to _be_ one.

As he rose to his feet, a vicious grin spread across his face. He drew Crocea Mors from the mud and held his shield at the ready.

Because Huntsmen kill Grimm.

 **-[===]-**

If Harry's information was correct, they would be forming into teams. That meant he had to choose teammates and sway them to his cause before anyone else could.

Being first was very important for these types of things.

The downside was he actually had no idea how competent anyone was.

Should he go for the classics and get Pseudo-Weasley and the Hermione Replacement Squad? Or should he harness the power of male bonding and a hyperactive girl with a hammer with the Pancake Brigade? Maybe even go for Blonde the Blonde or Invincible Girl?

Or should he just let things happen however they would? Nobody really said how teams were formed, but he doubted Ozpin would let them pick however they wanted.

Hopefully he'd end up with someone fun.

"Um… Harry?"

Oh look. The Pseudo-Weasley returns. He turned to her with a smile.

"Hey, Ruby!"

She fidgeted awkwardly. "Are you, uh, okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. Why?"

"It's just that you've been staring at your locker for, like, five minutes straight."

Oh. Right. Locker.

He had originally been trying to decide what to wear. Sure, jeans and a t-shirt were just fine for this, but he had the reputation of wizardkind as a whole to uphold! He needed a cloak. They were swooshy, they were mysterious, and unlike robes they did not look like dresses most of the time.

Now, what color would it be? Dark, obviously, since he didn't think he could pull off bright colors quite like Dumbledore. Midnight blue would look cool, but a dark emerald green would bring out his eyes. And purple was the color of mystery. So many _choices_!

Wait, that was what the pseudo-Weasley was for.

"Quick, Ruby, tell me: blue, green, or purple?"

"Um… blue? Why?"

He grinned and Conjured a midnight blue cloak in his locker, swinging it on and fastening it at the neck.

"That's why."

Ruby eyed it suspiciously for a moment. "At least it's not red, I guess."

"Hey," replied Harry as he shut the locker. "It was either one of those, or going invisible."

Actually, that was a good idea. Maybe he should just wear the Invisibility Cloak around? It was rather stylish, when it was visible.

Which kind of defeated the purpose, actually.

The voice of Glynda Goodwitch interrupted the thought before it could go further.

" _Would all first-year students please report to Beacon Cliff for initiation? Again, all first-year students report to Beacon Cliff immediately._ "

Blonde the Blonde immediately appeared behind pseudo-Weasley. "C'mon, Rubes, that's us!"

That was… suspiciously quick. Had she been spying on them? Talk about an overprotective sister.

Lilac eyes turned to Harry, eyebrow raised. "So… who's the boy-toy?"

The smaller girl's face turned bright red as she tried to disappear into her hood. " _Yaaaaaang!_ "

He grinned and stuck his hand out. "Harry Potter, Wizard Extraordinaire and Soon-To-Be-Huntsman-In-Training."

The blonde grasped his hand firmly and shook. _Very_ firmly. "Yang Xao-Long, Punching Enthusiast and Soon-To-Be-Huntress-In-Training. Wizard? You mean, like, Dust, right?"

He waved a hand dismissively and turned towards the locker room exit. "Nah, I'm pretty sure I meant Wizard." He paused and turned back. "You coming? We're going to be late."

 **-[===]-**

Ozpin took a deep sip of coffee as his eyes scanned down the line of students. Good, everyone was present and on a platform. He lowered his mug and cleared his throat.

"For years, you have trained to become warriors, and today, your abilities will be evaluated in the Emerald Forest."

Before the students had time to process that, Glynda took over. "Now, I'm sure many of you have heard rumors about the assignment of 'teams.' Well, allow us to put an end to your confusion. Each of you will be given teammates... today."

Ozpin's lips twitched as he spoke again. Tag-teaming the new students was an _art_. "These teammates will be with you for the rest of your time here at Beacon. So it is in your best interest to be paired with someone with whom you can work well."

Dramatic pause…

"That being said, the first person you make eye contact with after landing will be your partner for the next four years."

The look on the Rose girl's face almost broke his composure, but he was a Headmaster made of firmer stuff.

" After you've partnered up, make your way to the northern end of the forest. You will meet opposition along the way. Do not hesitate to destroy everything in your path... or you will die.

"You will be monitored and graded through the duration of your initiation, but our instructors will not intervene. You will find an abandoned temple at the end of the path containing several relics. Each pair must choose one and return to the top of the cliff. We will reguard that item, as well as your standing, and grade you appropriately. Are there any questions?"

The Potter boy raised his hand. Too bad for him.

"Good! Now, take your positions."

The students prepared themselves. Oh dear, it looked like Winchester hadn't been expecting to go first.

"Actually, sir… I've got a few questions. For clarification purposes, yeah?"

Ozpin just fixed him with an indifferent stare and took another sip of coffee. There went the Schnee Heiress.

"So, about this landing thing, were you gonna drop us off, or…?"

He lowered the mug. "No. You will be falling." As Miss Valkyrie had just begun to do.

Harry was… smiling? That wasn't usually how this went. "Good. Good. You didn't hand out parachutes, did you?"

"No. You will be using your own 'landing strategy.'"

The grin only got wider. "Right. About to get thrown off a cliff by my Headmaster. Again." The look on his face fell a little. "Is it something I keep saying?"

Ozpin was spared having to answer that question by the ' _kerchunk'_ that signalled the last student being thrown.

 **-[===]-**

The Shield Charm was a very interesting spell, when one took a deeper look at it. It was versatile, sometimes making a flat surface, sometimes a spherical obstacle. Depending on the intent, it could range anywhere from invisible to glowing bright blue.

And if you cast it in a sphere around yourself with the intention of staying in the center, well…

Harry was spun violently as his shield began rolling down a branch, then a trunk, then the forest floor. It was not a fun experience. It was not anything he wanted to do ever again. Getting hit with whatever spell was to be thrown at him would be infinitely preferable to the purgatory that was being suspended in the middle of a magical hamsterball as it rolled through a forest. He was going at speeds such that, if he simply released the spell, he would be thrown into the forest floor spinning fast enough to probably shred his flesh from his bones.

He _had_ listened to Hermione's lectures on the limits of human anatomy, thank you very much.

Harry's hamsterball prison suddenly came to a jarring halt. Confused but thankful, he released the spell and leaned against the wall of ice that had appeared around him.

Wait, ice? He turned, and his emerald eyes met the memorable icy blue of Hermione Replacement: Shouty Edition.

There was only one thing he could possibly do.

He popped a yellow candy into his mouth and held out the bag. "Lemon Drop?"

* * *

 **A/N: There you have it. Ninjas Of Love making a guest appearance, The Pancake Brigade, Yang's name, Jaune going up against an Ursa with possibly fatal levels of confidence, and partnering up with the ol' Shnee gal.**

 **What could possibly go wrong with _that_?**

* * *

 **GAH! I forgot to do review replies! Pretend I did it right the first time!**

 **TheFishKing** _\- When I said pair I meant partner, whoops! If I do a pairing, which I probably won't, it'll be because it just wrote itself into existence. I normally only add cool Harry magic powers if it satisfies three or more of the following:_

 _\- Harry cannot easily solve the main plot with it.  
_ _\- I have an idea for a scene with it that's freakin' hilarious  
_ _\- I actually have something he's going to do with it  
\- It fits his aesthetic_

 _So Ima hafta turn down Magical Phoenix Hedwig and Magical Animagus Harry. I make no promises about Gryffindor's Sword._

 **MCZ, Lord Vortrex, The Shadows Mistress, eliteshadow** _\- Thanks a ton for your support! I'll be honest here, this chapter would be like three days later than it was if it werent for all this positive feedback. Thanks, everyone!_

* * *

 **[TARGET UPDATE DATE]: Saturday, June 16 but I make no promises**

 **Please, leave me reviews! Was there something I did particularly well? What did you see that I could work on? Did anything make you laugh?**

 **A key part to improving skills is getting feedback, and reviews are that for me. So please, please, _please_ review!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	4. Everybody Needs A Schnee

**A/N: Sorry about the absurdly long wait (yea, over a month, I know). It's just that so much _stuff_ has been happening - Warframe updated with The Sacrifice, then Tennocon happened, and then college orientation - life is insane right now. I'm typing this on a Mac my dad found sitting outside a recycling point three years ago since I'm on vacationception - back home for a week, but my computer isn't.**

 **But I got you guys a chapter four, I hope you like it!**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 4]: Everybody Needs a Shnee**

Harry contentedly munched on the Lemon Drop as the judgmental ice-blue eyes of Hermione Replacement: Shouty Edition fruitlessly attempted to pierce his soul. She had _nothing_ on Dumbledore.

"So… is that a no?" He waved the bag of yellow candy in front of her enticingly.

If anything, her gaze got even colder. "What do _you_ think?" she replied icily.

He shrugged. "I dunno. Why do you think I asked?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I am not dealing with this today," she muttered to herself before turning on her heel and walking directly away from him. At precisely that moment, Ruby the Previously Disloyal But He'll Forgive Her This Time Because Her Timing Was On Point burst from the bushes in front of her.

"Oh, Hi!"

The white haired girl immediately turned around and began dragging Harry by the hood of his cloak.

"Look, I know I'm attractive but _please_ try and keep your hands to yourself."

She threw him in front of her and sighed deeply. "Understand that I am only dealing with you because you have yet to blow yourself up in my presence."

He grinned and straightened his cloak. "I make no promises."

She groaned and set off into the forest once more. He stowed his handy bag of lemon drops back in his cloak before rushing to catch up.

"The name's Harry, by the way. Harry Potter, Wizard Extraordinaire."

Somehow, she didn't seem too impressed by that.

"Schnee. Weiss Schnee."

"Schnee as in-"

"Yes. You are speaking to the Heiress of the Schnee Dust Company."

Harry considered this in silence for a moment. No wonder she'd been giving off such strong Draco Malfoy vibes.

before turning back to his new partner. "So, Weiss, what's a girl like you-"

She drew a rapier from her side and leveled it at him. "Finish that sentence. I dare you."

"-doing in a place like this?"

There was a moment of silence, before-

"You know, this is the first time I've actually been stabbed for something like that."

Weiss' eyes bulged, transfixed to the point where her rapier had impaled him. "Buh... wha... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR AURA!?"

Harry would have shrugged, had he not been obstructed by the sword stuck through him. "What Aura?"

She stared at him in disbelief for a moment.

"So, uh, are you gonna remove your sword or something? Because I have some good memories with this arm, and kinda want to keep it."

* * *

Back on the cliffs overlooking the forest, Ozpin calmly sipped his coffee as he watched the scene unfolding on his Scroll. Glynda cleared her throat, staring at him pointedly.

"Yes, Glynda?"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't suppose you're going to send medical help?"

He blinked, taken aback. "That would fail them out of Initiation."

"Better gone than dead."

"I have a feeling that if the wound was actually life-threatening in any way, Mister Potter would probably be dealing with that rather than..." he twirled his cane vaguely towards the Scroll, which was still emitting the unmistakable shrieks of Weiss Schnee.

"... doing whatever it is he's attempting to do now."

* * *

"But... if your Aura isn't unlocked, what in the name of _Dust_ was that bubble you were in when you almost _ran me over_?"

Harry raised a single eyebrow. "That was a Shield Charm, Weiss. Because I'm, you know, a wizard. What did you _think_ it was?"

"A Semblance of some sort, obviously."

"Well, it wasn't. I dunno if you've heard yet, but I'm a wizard."

Weiss harrumphed. "Well, since you're a _wizard_ , why don't you just _magic_ away that wound?"

"Hey, you don't get to use that tone when talking about a wound _you_ inflicted. And I never properly learned any healing spells."

She sighed. "Of course he didn't," she muttered to herself. "Close your eyes, then."

Harry blinked. "What?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm unlocking your Aura. Close them."

He obliged. He felt her press her palm against his forehead - was her skin that cold naturally? Hopefully she wasn't some sort of extra-concentrated ghost, that would just suck - and begin to speak in a clear, almost melodious voice.

" _For it is in passing that we achieve immortality._ _Through this, we become a paragon of virtue and glory to rise above all. Infinite in distance and unbound by death, I release your soul, and by my shoulder, protect thee._ "

Suddenly, ripples of energy rushed across his skin, emanating from where Weiss was touching him. His bones thrummed with power, and the pain in his arm grew warm and faded. Her hand withdrew, and Harry opened his eyes.

Weiss' Aura seemed to envelop her in an icy-blue blizzard, individual motes of light swirling around her. His body, on the other hand, was wreathed in bright green, crackling energy. After a moment, both their auras faded from view.

There was a moment of silence.

"You know, that actually felt pretty cool."

"You're welcome."

"My arm doesn't hurt anymore."

She nodded decisively. "As expected."

Another moment of silence, before Weiss spoke again.

"We should continue northwards. We don't have all day." She led the way off into the woods once more.

"I mean, that was never actually specified, was it?" He followed anyways.

* * *

They'd been walking for about ten minutes when Harry spoke up. "Hey, Weiss, you know those Grimm things we're supposed to learn to fight?"

She sighed turned to him. "Yes, Harry, I know _those Grimm things_."

He nodded slowly. "Good. I think one's following us."

She immediately drew Myrtenaster and pointed it at the bushes behind them. A pair of menacing red eyes emerged from behind it.

"Why didn't you say so _sooner_?"

He shrugged and calmly drew his wands. "Didn't notice until now."

Suddenly, more red eyes emerged from the shadows around them.

"And on second thought, we might be surrounded. I take the ones to our right?"

She nodded and turned to the left, focusing on a particularly large Beowolf. She took a deep breath, and slowly released it.

' _Alright, Weiss, you've got this._ _Remember your training. Head up, shoulders back, right foot forward - not that forward! - slow your breathing, wait for the right time to strike, and... Now!_ '

She lunged at the Grimm, flicking an arc of fire up across its body before sending her rapier directly into the beast's eye. As the body dissolved around her blade, a snarl and a whoosh of air warned her of another attack. She ducked under the strike and, with a flick of Myrtenaster, slashed open the Grimm's neck.

Two more Beowolves leaped at her, roaring. She cast a glyph and propelled herself upwards, switching her rapier's Dust setting to ice mid-air. As she reached the apex of her flight the two Grimm collided, and she froze them in place. She landed on the back of one and drove her blade through the back of its neck, shattering the ice that held it still. As she fell through the dissolving beast, she whirled Myrtenaster around and drove it through the roof of the other Grimm's mouth.

She stepped back and scanned her side for any more threats. There were none. She sheathed Myrtenaster with the satisfaction of a job well done, before turning to her partner.

* * *

Harry was, at that particular moment, having fun with Banishing Charms. He'd dispatched two Beowolves with quick Blasting Curses to the face, and decapitated another with a Cutting Curse. The last one swiped at him, but he batted its paw aside with a quick ' _Depulso_ '. He followed it up with another to the bottom of the Grimm's head, snapping it backwards. He completed the combo with a ' _Bombarda_ ' to the beast's chest, blasting it apart into misty chunks of shadow. He relaxed and slipped his wands back into their arm holsters.

He turned to Weiss and grinned at her dropped jaw. "Well, that was fun," he quipped.

She spluttered for a moment, before managing to achieve coherence. "How?"

His grin turned into a satisfied smirk. "I told you, I'm a wizard."

"You can't _do_ those things with Dust! And there's nowhere for you to _have_ it! And that couldn't have been a Semblance because your Aura was _literally just unlocked_!"

He rolled his eyes. What a limited worldview this girl had. Was this how Luna felt when she talked to Hermione?

"I'm a _wizard_ ," he enunciated slowly, as if speaking to a particularly thick first year. "I don't _need_ Dust. I have _magic_."

"MAGIC ISN'T _REAL_!"

* * *

Elsewhere, a drunk man turned into a bird.

* * *

"Prove it."

Weiss blinked, taken aback. "What?"

Harry's smirk returned as he crossed his arms. "Prove it. Prove to me that magic isn't real."

"How am I supposed to do _that_? That's like asking me to prove that water is wet!"

He shrugged. "Provide evidence strong enough to change my belief. It's that easy."

She stared at him for a moment, before shaking her head. "No. You're the one trying to convince me magic is real! _You_ provide evidence!"

He nodded. "Alright." He thought for a moment, before pointing at a nearby rock. "If that rock suddenly turned into a hedgehog and then flew into the sky, would you believe in magic?"

Weiss tilted her head. "Probably."

Harry flicked his wand, transfiguring the rock into a hedgehog. He flicked it again, and the hedgehog flew off into the air.

Weiss stared up at the sky, eyes following the speck that the transfigured hedgehog had become. Harry flicked her on the nose. "Consider your beliefs shattered. Don't take too long realigning your worldview, we have a relic to find!"

"... but isn't that animal cruelty?" she finally asked in a small voice.

He shrugged. "Probably. Oh look, it got eaten by a bird."

"That is not a normal bird."

"That is, in fact, a very large bird."

Weiss nodded numbly. Harry grinned and sidled up next to her. "Hey, Weiss, did I ever tell you about the Grab-and-Pull spell?"

"No..." she was probably still in shock. Oh well.

"Well, in certain circumstances it can also be used as a grappling hook."

She blinked, before turning towards him. "... why are you telling me this?"

Harry pointed his wand into the sky and wrapped his free arm around her, giving her his best _Sirius Black Roguish Wink (TM)_. "Because that bird looks big enough to ride. _CARPE RETRACTUM_!"

* * *

Ozpin slowly lowered his mug of coffee as his eyes followed a small speck fly up from the Emerald Forest into the sky.

He spoke over the ear-splitting shrieks coming from his Scroll. "I must admit, I did not expect that."

Glynda's eyes were also locked on the speck in the sky, which collided with a slightly larger speck. "I don't think anyone did."

The aged headmaster took a deep sip of coffee before continuing. "I really must introduce him to Team CVFY."

"Do not."

* * *

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF DUST ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!"

Harry adjusted his grip on his fistful of Nevermore feathers. "Probably. But on the upside, I think I see the ruins we're looking for."

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ , PROBABLY?"

He ignored the question in favor of drawing his wand. " _Incarcereros._ " Ropes shot out the end of it and wrapped around the massive Grimm's face, making something like reins for it. He pulled its head a little to the left. "You might want to hang on, we're going into a dive."

"How do you know?"

Harry grinned and flicked the reins.

"OH DUST WE'RE GOING INTO A DIVE!"

"How perceptive of you."

"HOW ARE WE GOING TO SLOW DOWN?"

Harry blinked. "That's what the Nevermore is for."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THATS WHAT THE NEVERMORE IS FOR?"

"Think of it as one big, feathery, absurdly evil airbag."

"OH OUM WE'RE GOING TO DIE."

He shrugged, keeping pressure on the makeshift reins. "Better to go out with a bang, you know?"

"I'D RATHER NOT GO OUT AT ALL!"

As the massive bird rapidly approached the ruins, Harry threw aside the ropes and drew his wand once more. "Well, if you insist. _Spongify_!"

And then the bird crashed.

* * *

Jaune was quickly finding out that fighting Grimm wasn't as easy as just, you know, fighting Grimm.

The Ursa swung its paw at him again, striking his shield. He went sliding back in the mud, almost losing his balance. He recovered, but only barely.

The massive Grimm roared at him in pure fury. It was getting kind of old, to be honest. His shoulder was sore and his prized Pumpkin Pete hoodie was now caked in mud thanks to the giant ugly bear thing.

"You know what?" He asked the Grimm as he dropped into a loose fighting stance from a Spruce Willis movie he couldn't remember the name of. "I think you should shut up now."

It charged. Jaune stepped to the side and swung his sword.

The body of the Ursa dropped to the ground. The head kept going.

He stood still for a moment, before sheathing his sword.

And falling facefirst into the mud. Again.

"Dammit." he muttered into the ground.

* * *

Yang stared as a massive cloud of dust erupted from the impact zone. Two figures, one in white and the other in dark blue, seemed _bounce_ against the ground, going another solid ten feet in the air, before landing gracefully directly in front of the ruins. At least, the darker figure did. He grinned as he helped his partner up.

"You know, I hate to _crash_ this party, but we thought we'd just _drop_ in."

Yang immediately turned to her partner. "Blake, can we _please_ team up with them?"

The ninja in question shrugged. "They do seem competent. I'm just not sure how teams are actually assigned."

The blue-cloaked kid whipped out a small stick and muttered something. A chess piece flew out from the ruin and into his hand. He inspected it, before grinning. "Sweet. White Knight."

Yang grinned and held up her matching relic. "Yes! Horsey Buddies!"

At that moment, the girl in white - wasn't her name Weiss? - seemed to recover. Since she, you know, started screaming again.

"I SWEAR TO OUM, IF YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN I WILL STAB YOU! AND I'LL AIM FOR AN IMPORTANT ORGAN THIS TIME!"

"Okay, just checking, are you talking about the grab-and-grapple, the giant bird hijacking, or the subsequent crashing of said bird?"

"ALL OF THAT, HARRY. ALL OF IT."

He pouted. "There go at least eight backup plans."

A roar interrupted Weiss' next reply. Everyone turned to the treeline, where an Ursa had emerged. It collapsed on the ground, though, revealing the two figures on its back. The energetic redhead aww'ed and poked the bear Grimm in the face. "Aw shucks, Ren. I think we broke it."

The 'Ren' in question slowly slid off the Grimm and took a deep breath. "Nora, please never do that again."

But Nora was gone. Enthusiastic cries of "I'm the Queen of the Castle!" emanated from the ruins that held the relics. Ren sighed and trudged off after her.

Suddenly, a red blur zoomed out of the forest, emitting a high pitched scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH - Oh, hey Yang!"

Yang's eyes turned bright red, and her hair caught fire. "CAN WE JUST HAVE TWO SECONDS WHERE SOMETHING DOESN'T HAPPEN?"

Everyone was silent as two seconds passed. Yang released her breath. " _Thank_ you-"

Another girl came out of the forest, shouting. With a crash, a massive Scorpion Grimm followed her from the treeline.

Ruby blinked. "Oh right, there was a Deathstalker chasing us. PYRRHA! RUN! I'LL GRAB OUR RELIC!"

A flash of movement came from the right, followed by a shriek of "THE NEVERMORE IS WAKING UP! OUM SAVE US ALL!"

Yang just groaned. Blake patted her shoulder sympathetically. "I guess it's just one of those days."

* * *

 **OMAKE #1 - All Hail The Dumble-Pin: The Sorting**

Headmaster Ozpin smiled as the line of first years filed into the front of the Great Hall. They all seemed understandably nervous- not a pair of eyes weren't on them, this year more than ever. This was, after all, the year Harry Potter was attending Hogwarts. As the last of them entered, he stood up and walked to the podium.

"Welcome, all, to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To those of you returning to us, welcome back. To those of you who are new... you all must be Sorted! Now, there are four Houses here - Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Gryffindor is the House of Courage and Bravery. Ravenclaw is the House of Wit and Intellect. Hufflepuffs are known for their Dedication and Loyalty, and Slytherin is the House of the Sly and Cunning. Your House will determine the people you will be living and working alongside for the next seven years, and if you end up in the wrong house... you won't have a terribly good time here."

A moment of silence, before he held up a fistful of assorted House ties. "That being said, the first tie you come into contact with will be yours. You will be using your own Sorting Strategies. Begin."

And he threw the ties. The strips of cloth fluttered to the floor, followed by the eyes of the entire first year class. There was a moment of absolute silence.

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

 **A/N: So I figured yall could use an Apology Omake for me taking so long. I had a lot of fun with this chapter, once I figured out how to do fight scenes. It helps to think of it as a DnD session and work from there.**

 **The whole gang of RWBY+NPR+Harry has shown up, and to clarify, the partnerships are:**

 **-Harry and Weiss  
-Yang and Blake  
-Ren and Nora  
-Ruby and Pyrrha**

 **So, Jaune got his first Grimm kill, Harry is partnered up with Weiss, and I actually spelled her last name correctly. What a surprise. Harry got Aura, Ruby hooked up with Pyrrha, and Stevie the Hedgehog is officially the first casualty of Initiation.**

 **Poor Stevie.**

 **REVIEW REPLIES:  
**

 _ **Wordlurker**_ \- _Yeah, this is pretty AU from the Harry Potter side of things. He did kinda commit suicide by psychopath and end up in what is basically his ideal world, so he's not exactly taking anything seriously at this point. Thanks!_

 ** _Aura's Heart -_** _Oh, is it? Thanks for reminding me, I'll fix that right up. Also, sorry for the wait! I got distracted! And you didn't hear it from me, but the Lemon drops will be a very important plot point. Eventually. I'm thinking Act Four?_

 ** _SirSpangler -_** _That was honestly the hardest part about writing this, there were so many things I wanted to do but I couldn't fit all of them! I'm so sorry! Thanks!_

 ** _Comodo50 -_** _Yep. That's basically it. I feel like anything I write will eventually hit 'crack' territory - I can only do seriousness in small doses. And that's almost exactly what I was thinking of with the hamsterball thing. Thanks!_

 ** _Forest1395101 -_** _Yes. Poor Weiss. Thanks! And I have a feeling you'll like what I have planned for chapter five..._

 ** _Kyunin9 -_** _Yeah, I noticed that most of the 'majestical' tier fics tend to have solid detailing, and I'm trying to emulate that level of description. It just feels weird, you know? And thanks! Jaune has a very... interesting journey ahead of him. Thanks!_

 ** _Zathol -_** _As I said above, Jaune has a very interesting journey ahead of him. And Harry would, except he kind of now has a really bag of lemon drops he wouldn't know what to do with. Thanks!_

 ** _Jashava -_** _I am honored. As for the picture, I spent five minutes drawing it, and then spent an hour trying and failing to improve it. Thanks!_

 ** _MCZ -_** _Does anyone NOT do that with people you don't know? Thanks!  
_ _Also, Penny is best girl._

 ** _Tristram Shandy -_** _That pun. Oh god. Yang is going to use that, hands down. And pretty much, yeah. Haven't seen Bleach yet, but I've heard it's good? Thanks!_

 ** _John Borne the Original -_** _The party don't start till it goes FUBAR. Thanks!_ _  
_

 ** _Ravenm -_** _I mean, yeah, but Harry didn't know she was a rich girl at the time. His first exposure to her was her shouting at Ruby, lol. And thanks, I try._ _  
_

 ** _Everyone -_** _Thank you all so MUCH for the reviews! I am so grateful for each and every one of you! that you guys take the time to go and write me reviews is just so oahsdkljfhaskdfjalsjdlfkjl THANK YOU!_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading everyone! Please, please, _please_ review? It's how I feel good about myself.**

 **Did I make you laugh? Cry? Throw your computer across your room? Tell me about it! Especially the last one, I'm kinda curious.**

 **UPDATE ETA: August 1,** but no promises.

That's all for today, folks.


	5. Blunt Force Trauma

**A/N: Okay, so this is hecka early, but I figured I made yall wait long enough for chapter four. Just... catching up with the schedule, I guess? I did kinda churn this out over the last ten to twelve hours, but don't get used to it!**

 **I'll be honest there's probably hella typos, but hey.**

 _ **DISCLAIMER**_

 _HARRY: Accio Things that Belong to Pixelkind!_

 _(RWBY, HARRY POTTER, and ANYTHING ELSE YALL RECOGNIZE fail to move towards HARRY)_

 **Without further ado, here's chapter five!**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 5]: Blunt Force Trauma**

Harry was in his element.

Everyone was running away from two giant monsters. Weiss was fluctuating between shock and screaming her head off. Ren was trying to quiet Nora, who was singing something about pancakes and... sloths? Ruby was zooming ahead and alternating between taking potshots at the Nevermore and Deathstalker that were chasing them. Pyrrha was slowly but surely catching up. Yang was leaving a majestic trail of fire behind her, and Hermione Replacement: Literary Edition (apparently a ninja named Blake) was doing her best to calm her down.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, Harry's element was chaos.

The high-velocity Pseudo-Weasley zoomed back to the rest of the group. "Guys, I ran a bit ahead and there's a big ruins right next to the cliffs! If we can slow down the Deathstalker enough, we should be able to lose it there!"

He grinned and nodded. "I'll get it."

He stopped running and turned around, wands at the ready. As Pyrrha passed him, he grinned viciously. " _Bombarda Maxima._ "

The spell met the giant scorpion head-on and erupted in a cloud of dust, fire, and death. The giant scorpion shrugged off the blow as if it was nothing.

Well, if it was going to play that game... " _Immobilus!_ "

This time, he felt the spell fizzle out as it hit the Grimm. Weird.

" _Depulso! Reducto! Tarantellegra! Flipendo! Petrificus Totalus!_ "

All the spells either fizzled out on contact or were powered through by the scorpion Grimm. The thing was almost within reach of him.

There _was_ something he'd wanted to try. If the Shield Charm was affected by intent, what if...

He took a deep breath and held out both wands. He was a rock, a mountain, the very earth itself. He was Dobby when he didn't want to do something.

He was as immovable as the very fabric of reality.

He was- " _Protego._ "

A shimmering wall of blue energy manifested before him, just in time for the Deathstalker to crash into it. The wall shattered, but the Deathstalker was now stunned. It was a pleasant change of pace for him.

"Ha! How's it feel for _you_ to be the one with the concussion this time?!"

It clicked menacingly and continued its charge.

Right. Running away. Harry's favorite part.

* * *

Weiss jumped when loud _crack_ sounded next to her. She stared at the boy who had just twisted into existence for a moment, before sighing. "Of _course_ he can teleport..." she muttered to herself.

He nodded. "Yep. I just remembered that was I thing I can do."

"You... _forgot_... that you can teleport?"

He held his hands up. "Hey, in my defense I never actually got my license for it."

Weiss just shook her head and kept running.

Harry grinned and shouted up ahead. "Consider the Deathstalker delayed!"

Ruby nodded decisively and took another shot at the Nevermore. "Great! We're almost there, there's a bridge it shouldn't be able to cross up ahead!"

He gave a thumbs up and kept running. The next minute or so passed in silence, except for the occasional murder screech from the giant bird that was also following them.

Oh look, Pyrrha caught up! He gave her a fist bump as she passed him. She was cool like that.

* * *

When they reached the bridge, Ruby zoomed ahead up to a small tower on the ruins before providing cover fire.

She checked off everyone mentally as they crossed.

Ren and Nora, check.

Pyrrha, check.

Just before Yang and Blake could cross, the Nevermore flew through the columns supporting the bridge. She sighed and reloaded her sniper scythe as the stone structure fell into the ravine.

"Is it just me, or is that bird getting annoying?"

Nora nodded enthusiastically. "LET'S BREAK IT'S LEGS!"

Ren sighed. "Nora, it doesn't need its legs. It's a bird."

She shrugged. "Why should that stop us?"

* * *

Harry breathed deeply, holding his wands at the ready. "Most of my spells haven't been able to do much to that thing, so I'll just run through everything I remember how to cast. Weiss, can you freeze it still?"

Weiss nodded firmly.

"Great." He turned to Yang and Blake. "You two... just shoot it, I guess?"

Yang cocked her gauntlet and grinned. "You got it, Houdini."

Still a better nickname than the Boy-Who-Lived. As his fellow students opened fire, Harry went down his spellcasting list.

" _Reducto! Bombarda! Depulso! Flipendo! Furnunculus! Waddawasi! Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Incarcereros! Wingardium Leviosa!_ " Spell after spell fizzled out or simply bounced off the Grimm's thick armor. Slowly, Harry began to broaden his scope. _Scourgify_ did nothing, nor did _Finite Incantatem_ or _Quietus_. The only spell that had seemed to work on it had been the Shield Charm.

On that note... "Guys? I think I have an idea."

* * *

Pyrrha sighed and lowered her rifle. "This isn't working!"

Ruby glared daggers at the giant bird. "Anyone have any ideas?"

Nora's face split into a grin as her eyes jumped to her partner. "Hey Renny, can we finally do that thing we practiced?"

"Which one? We practiced a lot of things."

"The one that got us kicked out of that diner with the really good cherry pie back in Mistral!"

Ren sighed and slipped a handheld taser out of his pocket.

* * *

As Harry soared through the air, propelled by Weiss' gravity glyphs, his life flashed before his eyes.

His childhood had been pretty garbage, what with the Dursleys being complete jerks and all. Hagrid knocking down the door was probably one of the highlights of his life, if he were to be completely honest. The look on Uncle Vernon's face when that gun had been tied in a knot had been _priceless_.

Setting fire to Quirrelmort had been pretty awesome, if a little traumatic. So had been, well, the last month or so of each of the past seven school years. Giant murder snake of doom? Hundreds of soul-sucking demons? Resurrected Dark Lord? Sirius dying? Dumbledore dying? Him dying?

Now that he thought about it, all the cool people seemed to die first. Maybe it said something that he was approaching his... third death, now? Did the whole Boy-Who-Lived one-year-old gig count as a death? To be entirely honest, it seemed like his life was one giant "times I should have died but didn't" montage.

Even now, with Yang's gauntleted fist mere inches away from impact with his face, the trend continued.

" _PROTEGO MAXIMA!_ "

A brilliant blue shell of energy shimmered into existence around him as Yang executed what was possibly the deadliest volleyball-style spike the world had ever seen. The magical glowing hamster-ball that now surrounded Harry rocketed almost straight down. He was actually pretty sure that he broke the sound barrier along the way.

Now, Newton's Third Law states that every action has an opposite and equal reaction. That meant that the force that Yang's fist had applied to Harry's Shield Charm had also been applied to Yang's fist by the Shield Charm.

When that same force was later applied to the Deathstalker's skull, there were a few minor differences. For example, Yang had Aura. The Deathstalker did not. Yang had been expecting it. The Deathstalker had not. Yang essentially had a pair of shotguns strapped to her arms. The Deathstalker did not. While Yang had been entirely focused on maximum impact, the Deathstalker was distracted by Blake lasso'ing its tail like a loose cow in the wild west.

There was also the difference that Harry, and thus the Shield Charm, did not actually want to hurt Yang.

Harry wanted to hurt the Deathstalker.

The shining spheroid of magical wizardry crashed down on the Deathstalker's head like the fist of Oum himself. A shockwave of compressed air expanded rapidly from the point of impact, throwing Weiss and Blake off their feet.

As the dust settled, Harry staggered to his feet and slowly made his way back to his classmates.

"See..." he began slowly, as the corpse of the Deathstalker dissolved behind him. "Hermione usually stops me before I actually _do_ these kinds of things."

Whatever their replies would have been, they were cut off by a beastly roar from the ruins to their side. Heads swiveled as the brilliantly glowing form of Nora leapt from the top of the tower and smashed the Nevermore's head in with her hammer. Bright pink arcs of lightning raced across the bird's feathers, before the entire thing exploded in a shower of dissolving chunks of shadow and bone.

Harry blinked. Maybe those protein shakes he'd seen Ren give Nora actually had some merit, after all?

* * *

Jaune was not a happy camper. He sighed and pulled his dirt-covered hoodie tighter around himself. He'd tried to clean it, and it was no longer _caked_ in mud, but the bunny logo was no longer recognizable as such. It was a miserable waste of fifty box tops.

He picked up a stick and poked the weak fire he'd managed to start. He _knew_ he should have looked for his guitar before leaving the crash site. By the time he got to Beacon, he probably wouldn't even remember how to play it.

And wasn't there that old cliche of a lone traveller playing a guitar by a campfire?

* * *

"... will be known as Team CRDL, led by Cardin Winchester."

Harry applauded politely as the four teens left the stage.

"Ruby Rose, Lie Ren, Nora Valkyrie, and Pyrrha Nikos. This team collected the White Rook pieces, and will be known as Team RRVN, led by Ruby Rose."

Sweet. Pseudo-Weasley even had her own band of minions! All he had to do was cement her loyalty to him, and he'd get three bonus sidekicks in the deal!

"Harry Potter, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xao-Long." The four of them rushed onto the stage, grinning wildly. At least, he and Yang were. Weiss was all _composed_ again, and Blake was her usual amusingly calm self.

"This team collected the White Knight pieces, and will be known as Team PWBL, led by Harry Potter."

He had to reach around Weiss and Blake to get the fist bump from Yang, but get it he did.

* * *

The door to Dorm Room number 143 swung open, revealing a moderately small room with four beds, a closet, and an en-suite bathroom. Harry ran for the bed below the window, but Yang leapt onto it before he could get to it.

"Dibs!"

He groaned and threw himself onto the bed next to hers. "Dammit."

Weiss was inspecting the closet dubiously. "I suppose I'll claim the closet."

Harry raised his head. "What? There's four of us and one closet, that's not how division works!" He paused for a moment, before turning to Yang. "Is it?"

She shrugged.

He turned back to his partner. "And what do you even need that much room for?"

She simply cleared her throat and gestured towards the pile of white suitcases next to the door.

He stared for a moment, before raising a finger. "You know what? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Everybody out, and make sure anything you don't want lost in the void between worlds is out of the room."

Blake raised an eyebrow dubiously. "Should we be worried?"

He shrugged and closed the door after himself. "Meh. I've never actually _done_ this before, but I know the theory. And if I break it we can just say the black hole was there when we got here."

" _Black hole_?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, gathering his magic. He traced intricate patterns on the door with his wand, before exhaling and tapping the center. The door swung open with a click, revealing a room about three times larger on the inside.

Weiss, already acclimated to magic, simply rolled her suitcases into the much larger closet quietly. Blake hesitantly stepped into the room, hands out in front of her as if she expected to run into some sort of invisible wall.

Yang just stared from the doorway.

"What... what did you do?"

He jumped onto his bed and waved his wand vaguely. "Undetectable Expansion Charm. Makes stuff bigger on the inside."

Blake's bow twitched. "Is it... safe?"

He shrugged. "We should probably refrain from putting more stuff inside than would be able to fit normally, and we might be a little uncomfortable if it suddenly fails, but otherwise yes."

The bright voice of the Pseudo-Weasley came from the doorway.

"Oh, hey Yang! I guess we're in the room across from you guys? What're you looking at?"

Harry flashed a peace sign at Ruby as she stared at the expanded room. She disappeared in a blur of red, and the door across the hall was violently thrown open. Ruby reappeared, eyes wide.

" _How?"_

He grinned. "Perks of having a wizard on the team."

She pouted. Dear Merlin, her pout burned with the fury of a thousand puppies. He sighed.

"Fine, I'll expand your dorm."

As he got off his bed, Weiss pulled Yang into the room before shutting the door in Ruby's face. "Not so fast, Harry. As a team of both males and females, it is essential that we establish rules to prevent any... unsavory happenings."

He slowly walked towards the door. "And as team leader, I'm appointing you in charge of making those rules while I go help Ruby."

She drew herself up to her full height. She was still the shortest person in the room. "You can't just... pass off your duties onto me!"

He put a hand on her shoulder. "Actually, I can. It's called delegation, I think? I'm pretty sure thats what Hermione said it was - but thats what leaders do, right? I'm busy doing, uh, Public Relations? Helping out a fellow student! Making our team look good! And I'm pretty sure that you're the one with actual legal training and would have ended up writing it yourself anyway?"

As Weiss opened her mouth to reply, Harry took the opportunity to toss a Lemon Drop in before making his escape.

Yang, still taking in the expanded room, finally spoke. "Do you think he could do this to the ammo compartment on Ember Celica?"

Blake shrugged, not even looking up from her book.

* * *

 **So there you have it! Harry utilizing the Hamster-ball Shield's Final Form in a Team Attack, Nora hitting the top of the Smash-O-meter, Team assignments (RRVN is pronounced Raven and PWBL is Purple, and don't give me flak about the L! if it's capitalized, it's fair game!), and the ol' Bigger on the Inside trick.**

 **And yes, Ren carries a taser. If your bestie gets buffed from getting tased, you bring a taser. It's that simple.**

 **And trust me, you don't want to know what happened in that diner with the really good cherry pie back in Mistral.**

 **Now for some Review Replies!**

 _ **Zathol -** Poor Jaune indeed. Weiss is deep in shock at this point, enough that she didn't immediately protest Harry being the leader of Team PWBL. Yang kinda reminds him of Ron but more useful, I guess. And none, Nora is paid in pancakes._

 ** _FawkesPhoenix -_** _Thanks! You know I try._

 ** _The Shadows Mistress_** _\- I'm glad you are! Thanks!_

 ** _DarkFox17 -_** _The secret to comedy is that everything is funny if you phrase it right. Thanks!_

 ** _Ravenm -_** _Yeah, I feel like the spell is underused a lot. Admittedly, it only exists in the video games, but that makes it technically canon? And I considered throwing Nora in with Harry but none of it really worked out with the plot past Act 3. Thanks!_ _  
_

 ** _Diaspared -_** _I do my best. Thanks!_ _  
_

 ** _TheFishKing -_** _I dunno, maybe Yang's animagus form is a phoenix? and the idea of Fawkes directly wielding the Sword of Gryffindor himself, while wearing the Sorting Hat, could be pretty funny. Probably not gonna happen, but it'd be funny. Thanks for the ideas, though!_ _  
_

 ** _bored peasant -_** _Thanks! There will probably be a few heavy moments, but for the most part I'll try keeping everything fun!_

 ** _Forest1395101 -_** _OMEGA HAMSTER BALL Indeed._

 ** _taking it easy -_** _I'm glad you think so! Thanks!_

 ** _EVERYONE -_** _You are all beautiful, wonderful people who I do not deserve! Thank you so much for taking your time to review! I really, really, REALLY appreciate it!_

 **I'm still kinda in shock that so many people like this! Also, I didn't notice last chapter but WE BROKE 10K WORDS! This is truly an achievement for me! I could not have done it without you guys!**

 _ **UPDATE ETA: AUGUST 1** but I make no promises._

That's all, folks!


	6. Back to School

**A/N: So I got yall a chapter six. Sorry again!  
**

 **This is an unprecedented level of fic continuity from me. Y'all are heckin great.**

 **DISCLAIMER  
**

 _PIXELKIND: Oh, look! The rights to RWBY and Harry Potter! They were just lying on the ground! It's all mine now!_

 _HARRY: Evanesco!_

 _PIXELKIND: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

 **And without further ado, I present...**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 6]: Back To School**

Weiss had woken up to many things in her life.

Most days, she would wake up to the sound of her Scroll's alarm. Sometimes she'd sleep in and only wake up once her faithful butler Klein knocked on her door.

She had never before woken to the sound of a rooster's crow being interrupted by a high velocity metal-plated fist, and consequently being splattered against the dorm room walls.

There was a moment of silence as everyone shifted to look at Yang's blood-covered fist and the now pulverized chicken on the nightstand.

Harry's hand slithered out from under his blankets and grabbed his wand from the nightstand. He pointed it at the mess sleepily. " _Evanesco. Avis._ "

The blood and guts disappeared, and a new, intact chicken appeared back on the nightstand.

His arm slowly retracted back under the covers.

She yawned and sat up in her bed. Yes, her team was still full of idiots. Yes, she was still partnered with a wizard. Yes, magic was still real.

The idea that Harry literally used a chicken as an alarm clock barely even registered. She sighed heavily and laid her head back on her pillow. Maybe she could catch a few more minutes of sleep?

' _Yes,_ ' Weiss thought as she drifted off back into the comforting warmth of her blankets. ' _that would be nice..._ '

* * *

Her awareness of the world around her suddenly snapped back into place as a soft, male voice whispered in her ear.

"Weiss. I have the ability to continuously shoot water out of my wand at a pressure high enough to push you out of that bed if necessary."

Her eyes flew open, and only her dignity prevented her from leaping from the bed entirely. She sat up and glared at her partner.

"Harry, it is literally dawn."

He grinned and stuck his wand behind his ear. "False," he said, straightening back up. "That was about an hour ago. We let you sleep because Yang called dibs on first shower."

The blonde in question stuck her head out of the closet. "Hey! It takes time to look this fabulous!"

He rolled his eyes. "Fourty-five minutes is an absolutely unnecessary amount of time!"

"Is not! I usually take an hour!"

Harry blinked, before looking off into the distance. "Note to self: look into time manipulation spells."

Weiss' eyebrow rose. "Is that an actual thing?"

He grinned. "My friend and I used time travel to save my godfather from a swarm of government-employed soul-sucking demons. I'd say its real."

She stared, before throwing her blankets off her bed and stalking over to the bathroom. "Bureaucrats aren't _that_ bad," she mumbled to herself.

* * *

"Alright, team! Now that everyone's ready-" Harry shot a glare at Yang, who grinned back and flashed a peace sign, "we can continue on to our first order of business!"

Weiss raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Which is...?"

Yang practically shot up from where she was perched on the edge of her bed. "Decorating!"

Harry blinked. "What?"

Blake hummed thoughtfully. "We _do_ still have to unpack."

He considered it for a moment, before shrugging and pulling out his wand. "You know what? That works."

* * *

" _Weiss, why did you pack a landscape painting? You don't bring landscape paintings to a dorm._ "

" _Why am I not surprised that you have no appreciation for the finer arts?_ "

" _But... its a painting. Of trees. In our dorm. It doesn't even move!_ "

" _Doesn't even move- Look, if anything, I should be the one complaining! You turned the floor to neon purple shag carpet for Oum's sake!_ "

" _It's our team name, Weiss. I'm just being patriotic._ "

" _There is a fine line between patriotism and gaudiness, Harry. One that you seem to have stomped into the dust._ "

" _Speaking of Dust... about how many of the suitcases contain what is essentially high explosives? Because this is the third one I've opened._ "

" _There should be around eight... Don't look at me like that, my family's livelihood is dependent on this Dust!_ "

" _Yeah, but I'm pretty sure there should be more safety precautions put into place. I don't want to accidentally blow up our dorm just trying to reinvent pumpkin juice._ "

" _I'm sure the only problems in that area will be your crimes against nature and the culinary arts._ "

" _You know what, Blake? You don't get to talk about crimes against the culinary arts! You had tuna for breakfast!_ "

" _Fish is a perfectly acceptable breakfast food in many cultures, Harry._ "

" _Well, you'd say that, wouldn't you?_ "

* * *

"And that's _that_ done!" Harry stepped back and admired the team's hard work. Ignore what Weiss said, the purple carpet looked _fantastic_.

Yang laid back on her bed, arms crossed behind her head. "Yep. Now what?"

Weiss' eyes widened comically. "What time is it?"

Harry glanced at his watch. "It's apparently... negative fourteen? That's not right."

Blake flipped open her Scroll. "It's a little past 8 AM."

Weiss sighed in relief. "Okay, good. Classes start at 9."

"Oh, right, I never did fix this thing. _Reparo._ "

Harry's watch vibrated, before puffing out a cloud of thick, black smoke. He waved it away, and checked it again.

"Error, not a number? That's a lie, the time is _totally_ a number."

Yang pushed herself up and eyed her team leader. "So, uh, are we just gonna hang out, or are we gonna go get breakfast?"

Across the hall, a fearsome roar of "PANCAKES!" cut off any potential responses. The room sat in silence for a moment, before Yang gave a quiet, awkward cough.

"Or... maybe we should wait a while? Give them time to simmer down?"

Harry nodded sagely. "My thoughts exactly."

* * *

Jaune glared daggers at the Beowolf that stood between him and his campfire. He had to get over there quickly or that rabbit he'd managed to catch (he'd gotten really bored at the age of 12 and watched some _strange_ CCTNet videos) was going to burn!

He could imagine the wolf smirking smugly at him like that one kid from homeroom who used to steal his lunch money.

Jokes on you, Beowolf, that kid got beaten up by Jaune's sisters. There _was_ an advantage to having seven of them.

Now, he might not have his sisters with him, but he did have a nice sharp sword. One he took the opportunity to unsheathe.

"Beowolf, meet Crocea Mors. Crocea Mors, Beowolf."

That rabbit was one of the most satisfying meals he'd had in a while.

* * *

"So our first class is... Grimm Studies with one Professor Port." said Weiss, looking at her schedule.

Harry grinned through a mouthful of french toast - the kitchen seemed to be out of pancakes for some odd reason - and swallowed.

"That's pretty convenient, since I know almost nothing on the subject. I just hope he's a good teacher."

Blake looked at him curiously. "Have you had many bad ones?"

He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well at my old school, one was was literally dead, one of them hated my dad and that carried over to me - he actually killed my headmaster - and there was this other one who kept foretelling my impending doom... and that's not even counting the revolving door of terrorists, dark wizards, incompetent liars, and aggravating government officials that was my defense class."

"Thats..." the ninja-like girl seemed to falter for words for a moment. "...unfortunate."

"Yep."

* * *

Harry wasn't sure how or why he was able to pay attention to Professor Port's lecture. It probably had something to do with the fact that, while still boring, his stories weren't even close to the monotonous drone of Professor Binns' lectures. While boastful, they were actually plausible and well executed compared to Lockhart's.

It was about as far as you could possibly get from one of Umbridge's classes. Port would have _laughed_ in the face of someone who suggested an actual curriculum.

So there he was, taking notes. _Voluntarily,_ at that.

Hermione would have wept with joy.

Or, you know, give him that victorious little smirk that told him the only reason she wasn't rubbing it in his face was that she knew he was already doing it to himself.

She was actually kind of vicious, now that he thought about it.

Weiss was more on the softer side, to be honest. She was far shoutier than Hermione ever was, but she didn't have the ruthless pragmatism that ruled his old friend's every action - unless it had to do with civil rights.

Weiss didn't seem to have that issue, at least.

She was actually spending more time looking down her nose at Ruby, who seemed to be doodling on a piece of paper with Nora. Ren's hand slipped around his fellow Pancake Brigand and gently pulled the paper out from under their pens, rebuking them silently.

Harry grinned as Ruby blushed and turned to Pyrrha, who simply pointed towards Port with her pen. The pseudo-Weasley seemed to crumple in on herself as she reluctantly began jotting down notes.

Weiss harrumphed quietly. "Hmm. It appears she _can_ learn." she muttered to herself.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Like you haven't been too busy looking down on her to actually take notes yourself."

Weiss blinked, before she drew herself up to her fullest. "Is it wrong for me to worry about the academic well-being of my classmates?"

Ah. It appeared the shock had finally worn off. "You weren't, though. You were just being snooty."

She turned up her nose at him. "I was doing no such thing."

He nodded patronizingly. "Right, of course you weren't. How silly of me."

Suddenly, Professor Port pointed at him. "You, Mister Potter! Do you believe yourself to be the _embodiment_ of these traits?"

He blinked. "Yeah, let's go with that."

"Well... let's find out!" The professor pointed his axe-gun (really, it looked terribly inconvenient to use) towards the dark cage in the corner of the room. A pair of glowing red eyes were visible from in the shadows. "Step forward, and face your opponent!"

Harry sighed and stood up, slipping his wands out of his sleeves. "As long as it isn't Cornish Pixies again..."

* * *

 **A/N: This chapter was a bit shorter than usual, so here's another Omake. T** **he premise of this one is that Harry being the Master of Death made him blatantly overpowered and he took a job at Beacon.**

 **OMAKE: Coffee Break - The Brew**

Ozpin calmly strode into the staff room, his ever-handy coffee mug calamitously empty. It happened less often nowadays, thanks to his wonderful and suspiciously immortal new hire, but it still tended to happen.

As he turned to the coffee machine, two heads of hair obstructed his view of it. One was of a spiky green nature, whilst the other was a complete mop of jet-black hair.

He cleared his throat, and his, ah... employees... froze.

"I truly do hope that that coffeemaker is in working condition within the next... thirty seconds. I might not be held accountable for my actions if otherwise."

As Oobleck's hands blurred into action, Harry turned excitedly to the unimpressed headmaster. "Ozpin! We figured it out!"

Twenty-four seconds, now. "Figured what out?"

A mischievous grin split the boy's face. "I devised a method of applying a portion of the Firewhiskey brewing process to the coffeemaker!"

A blink. Eighteen seconds, now. "Firewhiskey? The drink that makes people breathe fire?"

"Well, I replaced all the fire aspects with lightning, to maximize the energy output, but otherwise yes."

Twelve. "Oh?"

The young wizard simply grinned again and nodded towards the now-reassembled device. A veritable maze of glassware and carved runes seemed to be affixed to the simple black appliance, and the entire mess seemed to be softly glowing.

"Here, turn it on!"

Oobleck quickly adjusted the settings, before pouring in the water and coffee beans. Dark liquid coursed through glass veins, arcane symbols crackling with energy around it. The air began to whirl around the room, blowing away papers and furniture alike.

Suddenly, it all stopped. The coffeepot, sitting innocently on the counter, had a distinct blue glow, but smelled absolutely delicious. Harry deftly poured the liquid into three mugs, before passing them around. "Bottoms up, I suppose?"

Oobleck's mug was already empty. Harry shrugged and chugged.

* * *

Harry woke up and blinked groggily. "Oh Merlin, what the hell just happened?"

A calm, measured voice replied. "After downing the despicable substance you dubbed ' _Voltaic Brew_ ', you and your colleague Bartholomew Oobleck built a time machine out of the remains of the staff room refrigerator and Peter Port's lunch. After sending both you and me back in time about eighty thousand years, you singlehandedly designed and armed a bomb powerful enough to shatter the world of Remnant to thousands of pieces. And that's just the immediately pressing parts."

He blinked again. "A... bomb?"

The small boy that somehow spoke like Ozpin - and had his cane? - nodded. "It's set to go off in about five minutes."

Harry shot up and looked around. He had been laying in the middle of a small, scorched crater, in the middle of an empty field of grass. The device that he assumed was a bomb was blinking and ticking ominously. He panicked.

"I don't know how to defuse a Merlin-forsaken _bomb_!"

Small Ozpin rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Oh, gee Harry. It's not like your self-proclaimed area of expertise could possibly be useful in this scenario, is it?"

Harry facepalmed. "Right. Of course. I'm a wizard." He fished his wand from his pocket and pointed it at the bomb. " _Wingardium Leviosa._ "

Two pairs of eyes followed the bomb up into the sky, up until it disappeared from view. They still stared up into the sky.

"How far back in time did you say we were?"

"Eighty thousand years, give or take."

Minutes passed. A flash of light came from one of the moons hanging in the sky. One of _two_ unbroken moons.

Well... _now_ it was broken.

"You know, I _had_ always wondered how that had happened."

"Look, nobody ever accused me of being good at improvising. It was the first spell that came to mind."

"Of course it was."

"Could you, uh... not tell Glynda?"

Smallpin sighed sadly and leaned on the cane with both hands. "I'm afraid I cannot make any promises where she is concerned, my friend. Any damages she causes will be deducted from your paycheck."

Harry sighed. "Of course. Say... what happened to _you_?"

Young Ozpin gazed sadly at the empty coffee mug in front of him. "Caffeine overdose."

* * *

 **A/N: That's definitely how the moon broke. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.**

 **That was also, you know, chapter six. Hope you liked it!**

 **Guess what time it is? Review Response Time!**

 _ **KyonSmith13 -** Thanks! I did laugh myself silly while planning that one out. And Harry will eventually figure out What Is The Deal With My Magic, don't worry._

 ** _sandmanwake -_** _hate to break it to you, but we're not gonna see until like, uh, end of act 3? And that's probably a good idea for a prank I'll have to remember that one._

 ** _Guest -_** _Well technically yes. My version of Harry is rather OOC. That's actually a plot point, by the way. But I mostly did it for the associated baggage of the characters and because they're two fandoms that I like and appreciate. Thanks for your input!_

 ** _Forest1395101 -_** _The world of Remnant has suspicious cultural parallels to Earth. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. And yes, Hamster Ball FTW. Thanks!_

 ** _TheFishKing -_** _Ah... yeah, good idea but probably not gonna happen. And Binns prepared Harry for Port, there's no way the man could be as bad as someone who is literally dead. Thanks!_

 ** _FawkesPhoenix -_** _Awwwww, thanks! I'm really glad you liked it so much!_

 ** _RageFeedsMe_** _\- I did not consider that. It would be rather iconic, naming Harry's team after a lottery as well. A one in a million chance of not being a waste of time._

 ** _Aura's Heart_** _\- Yeah, I had it done already so I just figured why wait? And there's so many wonderful characters to put into shock! Will it be Qrow? Winter? Ironwood? Penny? Who knows? Thanks!_

 ** _Holios the Demon Companion -_** _That's kinda what I was going for, where people's worldviews are just the collateral damage of him doing his own thing. Thanks!_

 ** _Disapared -_** _That's... still not the worst team name I've heard. Me and three friends together were team BMLK for Buttermilk._

 ** _SilverExcel115 -_** _It is my solemn duty to share my joy with the world. Well, not solemn, I tend to laugh my butt off at various points through the brainstorming and writing phases, but you get the gist. Thanks!_

 ** _Matt_** _\- Nah fam, Jaune is still alive and kickin'. And the teams, they were born to be mixed up! welcome to ffnet my friend!_

 ** _Redbarchetta28 -_** _That's the spirit! And... eventually. Once everyone gets settled in. Don't worry, Harry will definitely return to his Marauder roots. Thanks!_

 ** _The Observer 2.0 -_** _Sadly, Harry never read the spell descriptions. And Harry has spent seven years figuring out Hermione Interference Techniques, he may as well apply some. Thanks!_

 ** _Wordlurker -_** _You know I try. Thanks!_

 ** _Guest (another one! I'm going from the bottom up for Ch 5 BTW) -_** _(Glynda stared at Ozpin, blank-faced. "Ozpin..." "Yes, Glynda?" "Pebble is not a color." "I am aware of that, yes." "Change it. Now.") Thanks!_

 ** _Leicontis_** _\- Because that brings up interesting connotations of Ren collaring Nora that we REALLY don't want to get into right now. But basically yes. Thanks!_

 ** _Ravenm -_** _I did kind of forget to check the Harry Potter wiki and just, uh, put down the ones I could remember off the top of my head. But yes he will def. branch out in terms of spellcasting very soon. And I do have a plan for the Patronus. Thanks!_

 ** _Whimsicall_** _\- Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!_

 ** _Just a Witty Bro -_** _As a matter of fact it was not. I have not even seen the show, lol._

 ** _vmage2 -_** _You know I try. Thanks!_

 ** _Guest (Number 3) -_** _Haha thanks! Turns out I basically can't not write crack humor._

 ** _Penny is wise -_** _It probably could. I'm glad you like it! Thanks!_

 ** _desdelor97 -_** _Thanks a ton!_

 ** _Madra uzemaki_** _\- TMI, pal. But thanks!_

 ** _Zathol -_** _Are you actually questioning Nora's ability to quickly consume pancakes? As for storage space thats kinda how dorms work, I guess? All they really need is weapons, and they usually tend to fit in lockers. Trust me, I have some plans for weapons and magic.  
_ _Yeah, Harrys gonna be doin a lot more experimentation on Magic VS Grimm pretty soon, so we'll figure out what works and what doesn't pretty soon.  
That is actually a lot of spells.  
Yeah, It does add some possiilities that I do fully intend to take advantage of! I'm tryina hold off on spoilers tho. Thanks!_

 **Y'all are heckin GREAT! Each and every review makes a difference, guys! Feel free to tell me if I did something wrong, or right, or funny, or anything really! Feedback is key to improving your skills, and writing is no different!**

 **Next Chapter ETA: I'm feelin _August 25th_ but as always, I can't make any promises.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	7. PWBL-icious

**A/N: Well, here goes chapter seven! I didn't have a chapter name when I started, so I saved this file as "Potter Pokes a Porker"**

 **DISCLAIMER: Look, I don't even own a hamster, let alone the rights to Harry Potter or RWBY.**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 7]: PWBL-icious**

Harry lazily twirled his Holly Wand in his hand, standing in the front of the room. He now wore his battle outfit, which consisted of... well, a cloak. And pants. And a shirt.

It was kind of underwhelming, now that he thought about it. He really ought to do something about it.

He glanced over to where his team was sitting. Weiss had that same look on her face that Hermione always had when he was about to do something stupid that she couldn't stop, Yang looked pretty enthusiastic, and Blake... when did she get that Team PWBL flag? _Where_ did she get it?

He wanted one.

Port raised his axe-gun above his head. "Let the match... _begin_!" He swung it down, chopping the lock off the cage. Almost immediately, what appeared to be some sort of Grimm boar charged at him. He quickly sidestepped, grinning.

Definitely not a Cornish Pixie.

As the Boarbatusk - for that was what it was called, according to the illustrations on the classroom walls - turned around for a second pass, Harry dropped into a loose dueling stance. He could totally take this dumb pig thing.

It charged. Harry smirked.

" _Arresto Momentum!_ "

The Grimm almost immediately began decelerating, until its charge resembled more of a brisk walk. Harry hummed curiously. So it hadn't been the Deathstalker's armor that had prevented his spells from working. Maybe it was the sheer mass? At least for that spell.

" _Reducto!_ "

The Blasting Curse halted the Boarbatusk's charge entirely, putting cracks in its skull. It also seemed to snap the Grimm out of the effects of the previous spell, since it snorted and tucked itself into a ball, like some sort of demonic armadillo.

And then it started spinning.

Harry stared.

It spun faster.

Harry blinked.

It shot forwards.

Instinct took over.

" _Depulso._ "

The Banishing Charm hit the Grimm head on, but the sheer momentum of the beast shot it upwards into the air.

" _Ascendio._ "

Harry flew up into the air as the beast hit the peak of its arc.

" _Gladius._ "

A glowing spectral sword blade appeared on the tip of Harry's wand. A blade that quickly found itself impaled in the Boarbatusk's unarmored stomach. Harry's body twisted, putting himself above the beast.

" _Reducto._ "

The Grimm exploded.

" _Spongify._ "

Harry landed easily on the classroom floor. He straightened up and looked around the room.

Awestruck faces stared back at him. He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

Port started laughing. "It appears we are _indeed_ in the presence of a true Huntsman-in-training!" He clapped Harry on the back enthusiastically. "Why, you even remind me of myself when I was your age! Class dismissed!"

As Harry made his way back to his team, he slipped his wand back into his sleeve.

Odd. He didn't remember drawing the Elder Wand.

* * *

Harry lounged regally on his carefully-constructed emerald green pillow throne and surveyed his teammates.

Yang was draped across her own yellow throne, taking in the full glory that was a magically expanded pillow fort.

Blake had somehow managed to shift the pillows of her seat into more of a recliner shape, and sat back reading one of her books.

Weiss was dubiously inspecting her own snow-white throne, as if it were some sort of Grimm in disguise. She turned to him, eyebrow raised. "Was... was this _really_ necessary?"

He steepled his fingers thoughtfully. "No. It was not."

"But then why-"

"Ladies and gentle- well, ladies- It has come to my attention that, with the exception of my good friend Yang, this team is sorely lacking in any sort of team spirit."

Yang gasped dramatically. Weiss rolled her eyes.

Blake flipped a page.

"Now, I understand that some of us - I'm looking at you, Weiss - may have difficulty displaying the proper levels of enthusiasm, which is why I am now implementing... drumroll please..."

Yang complied enthusiastically.

"Remedial Team Spirit Activities!"

Yang cheered. Weiss groaned.

Blake flipped another page.

"I propose that all members of Team PWBL wear at least one purple item at all times. Because, you know, its the team color."

Weiss raised an eyebrow. "What kind of purple?"

Harry blinked. "What do you mean? It's... purple."

She sighed and massaged her temples. "Of course. And where do you expect us to get these... purple items?"

He waved his wand pointedly. "Color-changing charm. I can get your hair ornament if thats cool?"

She considered it for a moment, before shaking her head. "I know I have some Gravity Dust earrings around here somewhere..."

* * *

Harry looked out over the Beacon grounds thoughtfully. He sat cross-legged on the roof above a balcony wrapped in his new purple cloak, Elder Wand held between his fingers.

He'd never done anything like what had happened in class before. Was it something to do with the wand? With being the Master of Death? Or was it just something to do with how he'd gotten to this world?

He didn't know.

He heard a heavy pair of footsteps below him, followed by the sound of his partner's voice. Huh.

"Professor Port! I... I really enjoyed your lecture earlier."

"Why of course you did, Miss Schnee! You too have the true blood of a Huntsman in you."

Oh joy. The man was like Lockhart if you replaced 'fame' with being a 'true Huntsman'. And, you know, made him competent. This was not something he wanted to have to listen to. He made to get up, but paused at Port's next words.

"You look troubled, my dear girl. Confess your strife!"

There was a short silence before Weiss replied. "I... I don't know."

* * *

Port raised an eyebrow at her dubiously.

"Surely _something_ must be wrong for you to look so out of sorts!"

She nodded, searching for words. "I suppose... I'm still a little upset I wasn't made team leader? I understand _why_ Harry was chosen, but it's still absolutely infuriating when he keeps acting like an idiot!"

"You believe you should have been made leader of team PWBL?"

"I... maybe?"

There was a moment of silence, before Port boomed with laughter. "Why, that's absolutely _preposterous_!"

" _Excuse me_?"

"Ozpin clearly selected the boy and not you for a reason, and he's never led me wrong before."

Weiss crossed her arm. "So you'd rather just _blindly_ _trust_ the man?"

"Before me, I see a girl who has always gotten everything she's wanted."

Her eyes narrowed. "That's not true at all!"

He simply looked at her.

"Well... maybe a little bit - but so has he! He has magic! He can get almost everything he wants!"

Port stroked his mustache thoughtfully. "Perhaps... but he never seems to carry himself like a man used to getting what he wants. When I look at him, I see someone accustomed to hard times, and someone who is able to adapt to them. You are used to being absurdly wealthy - how would you react if all that money was suddenly gone?"

Weiss looked down, thoughtfully. "I... I don't know."

"Just think on that, my dear girl. Now, I'll be off to dinner - I'm famished!"

The rotund professor made his leave, and Weiss sat down at one of the benches, deep in thought. She didn't notice the light sound of someone landing lightly on the floor in front of her, not until he spoke.

"Where did you get your scar?"

She blinked, looking up at him. "What?"

Harry nodded towards her face. "Your scar. Where did you get it?"

Well... in for a penny. "When I told my father I wished to become a Huntress, he made me prove myself first. I had to fight an animated suit of armor. It... it cut me, but I still won."

He nodded thoughtfully. "You know how I got my scar?"

Her eyebrow rose. "You have a scar?"

He grinned disbelievingly, before parting the hair covering his forehead. The scar was in the shape of a lightning bolt.

"See, there was this wizard. He was basically the bad guy - racist, psychopathic, egomaniac, the whole package. Started a cult, went on a murder spree, went to war with the Ministry of Magic. Killed my parents, but failed to kill me."

Oh. "I... I'm sorry for your loss."

He kept talking. "See, he shot me point-blank with the Killing Curse. That, you know, kills people. But my mom, when she died she _did_ something. Nobody knows what or how, but she protected me. His spell backfired. I survived, he exploded. Ten years later he shows up on the back of my teacher's head, trying to steal some magic rock or other. I incinerate him by punching him in the face, things escalate - giant murder snake, soul-sucking demons, kidnapping, et cetera. I had a pretty bad time."

O-oh?

"Eventually my friends and I managed to make him properly killable again - I _di_ _d_ have to die for it to work, and that's apparently how I got here."

What.

"I woke up here and thought, 'Man, that whole mess _sucked_.' So I decided that I'd try and have fun in this life."

What in the actual Dust.

"Trust me, I do have legitimate leadership qualifications. I ran an underground counter-terrorism organization in my school at the age of fifteen, successfully defeated a Dark Lord at 17, and... uh... actually that's basically it, yeah."

Who in Oum's name _was_ _this man_?

Suddenly, his face fell again. He turned away from her.

"Oh, by the way... there _is_ something magic can't give me. Do you know what that is?"

His grip on the balcony was turning his fingers white.

"It can't bring back the dead."

Of course. A single tear trailed down her face. She didn't see it, through her closed eyes.

She also didn't see the thin silver chain hanging around his neck.

Or the small black rock that hung on it.

* * *

Jaune bit into his last Pumpkin Pete Marshmallow Bar with a deep sense of regret. He'd wanted to save it for when he finally got to Vale, but food had been scarce for the past day or so. He was hungry.

"Don't worry, Pumpkin Pete Mascot Girl," he said to the wrapper. "I won't leave you here."

The green-eyed huntress on the thin plastic stared back at him lifelessly, slightly deformed by creases.

He stuffed the wrapper back into his pocket. Littering was bad, and it was the only human face he'd seen for a while - his Scroll battery _was_ becoming a precious commodity.

"You just... hang in there."

* * *

Weiss was still in a thoughtful mood come dinner. She was mostly quiet, watching the rest of her team, along with team RRVN. It seemed that the teams would, in fact, be eating together for the foreseeable future.

"...and then we flew the dragon through the ceiling, making our daring escape!" Harry gestured dramatically with his fork as he told his story.

Nora cheered, as Ruby clapped enthusiastically. Pyrrha tilted her head curiously. "But... why did you need to break into the bank in the first place?"

He grinned. "It was part of our mission: to collect the seven magical artifacts that held the fragments of the Dark Lord's soul! Only once we destroyed all of them could we finally defeat him for once and for all!"

Blake snorted. "Let me guess: You were the last one."

Harry gasped. "How did you know?"

She just rolled her eyes.

He glared. "You only don't like it because nobody is a ninja, don't you!"

Weiss noted how Blake never actually denied that.

Nora leaned towards Harry, almost draping herself across the table. "Do you have any more stories about dragons?"

He thought for a moment, before nodding. "Did I ever tell you about the time I became a teenage gladiator?"

She shook her head. He grinned. "Well, it all started with this big cup full of fire..."

Weiss sighed, and allowed herself to get lost in Harry's story.

* * *

"Ladies of team PWBL, might I have a moment of your time?"

Weiss looked up from her homework. Harry stood at the doorway of the room, arms behind his back.

"I would like to announce the commencement of Remedial Team Spirit Activity number two!"

This was going to be either really good or really bad, and she didn't know which.

He pulled a massive plate of cookies out from behind his back. "Co-operative Baked Goods Consumption!"

Yang raised her hand. "You do realize Ruby is in the room across the hall, right?"

His grin was downright predatory. "Oh, trust me, that won't-"

He was interrupted by a high-pitched squeal of "COOKIES!" and a red blur zooming into the room.

"-be a problem."

As Ruby swiped for the cookie platter, the cookies practically jumped away from her. Midair, they grew tiny little arms and legs, and landed all around the rooms.

The room froze as dozens of small, high pitched voice screamed.

" _The Red One's Hunger knows no bounds! SAVE YOURSELVES_!"

The now-anthropomorphic cookies scattered, sliding through vent grates and under doors. Within thirty seconds, not a baked good was within sight.

Ruby stared at her hands in horror. "...cookies?"

Harry tapped her nose. "Never try stealing food from a Marauder."

He straightened up and looked around smugly, before pausing. "Oh, wait. I didn't set them up to actually stop or come back."

Yang flopped back down on her bed. "Are we gonna have to deal with rotten cookie zombies?"

"Don't think so. They're enchanted to always be warm, fresh, and sanitary."

"Well, at least that's something I guess."

* * *

 **A/N: Lemme just start out with this: there's no way there isn't a spell to turn your wand into a lightsaber.**

 **There's chapter seven, I guess? We got Harry being a badass, Harry being serious, A little bit of Jaune again, Harry being dramatic, and PRANK. Poor Ruby.**

* * *

 **[OMAKE #3] The OzPotter Files - The Cane, the Wizard and the Veil [PART 1]**

Time is a curious thing, is it not?

Well, perhaps not time _itself_ , but rather the human perception of it. It slows down and speeds up without warning.

As Harry tripped on one of the steps leading up to mysterious archway, the two and a half seconds it took him to fall felt like hours.

For the first half second, he didn't notice he was falling. It took him another half second to notice the plaque conveniently placed on the floor in front of him, and one full second to read the glimmering silver words upon it.

 _The Veil of Death_

The last half-second before he hit the Veil was just enough time for Harry to have deep, deep regrets.

What happened after he fell through?

It's quite simple, really.

His head exploded.

* * *

Harry's head exploded. That was the only way to describe the feeling. It was as if someone had put a stick through one of Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts and continuously bashed him in the back of the head with it as though it were a hammer while the beast frantically detonated itself.

It was not a pleasant experience in any way, shape, or form.

Suddenly, a hazy memory swam up through the agony. A harsh bark of " _Empty your mind, Potter._ "

But he couldn't. His mind was full. Full to bursting. Full past the point any human brain had the right to be.

And then suddenly... it _stopped_. He blinked tears out of his eyes and climbed back to his feet. He felt... different, somehow.

That was because he was.

What was he?

He was Harry Potter. He was the Wizard.

" _You're a wizard, Harry._ "

No, no. He was _the_ Wizard.

He didn't think there was a difference.

Or... was there? Images flashed through his mind. Staring into the mirror with a mixture of wonder and terror as a different face stared back. The same scene, again and again, but each one with a new face. A new discovery. A new _soul_.

Millennia of reincarnation?

No, no. Reincarnation was one soul, born again and again into new life. He was the Wizard. The Mind. The Knowledge, passed from soul to soul like some spiritual torch.

Why was he?

Another image. A pale, pale woman. Red eyes. Bone white masks upon beasts of shadow. A world overtaken, save for a few bastions of light.

That... that was not his world.

It _was_ his world.

 _This_ was his world.

He could accept that.

Who was he?

More images. A young man, standing before a child as a shadow leaped, then darkness. An elderly man giving something to four young women. Yet another man, stood atop a wall as a sea of shadows crashed against him.

A twelve year old boy, carrying a sword far too large for him, clashing against a colossal serpent. The same boy, this time thirteen, standing above his godfather as a tide of darkness advanced. The boy, fourteen, carrying the body of one much older, rushing towards a shining cup.

Something resonated within him, as he found himself in full agreement.

He was the Wizard.

He was Harry Potter.

He was a protector.

Shimmering green energy crackled across his skin.

* * *

 **A/N: There's gonna be a few more parts to this omake, but I didn't want it to run too long.**

 **REVIEW TIME!**

 _ **eliteshadow** \- thanks! I will do my best to continue this story, I'm having fun writing it as well._

 ** _Forest1395101_** _\- He hasn't thought that much about it yet. Trust me, you'll know._

 ** _Gilgamesh The King of Heroes -_** _Harry would never use magic to do something so mundane as take notes! Deep inside he's still that eleven-year-old, taking delight in every last spell. Thanks!_

 ** _KyonSmith13_** _\- Harry is British, not American! I'm glad you liked it, though._

 ** _Ironc_** _-_ _Danke, es war mir eine Freude. (beschuldigen Google Übersetzer, nicht ich.)_

 ** _Redbarchetta28_** _\- haha, thanks!_

 ** _The Observer 2.0_** _\- Thanks! When Harry finally whips out the 'ol Patronus, it's gonna be lit, trust me._

 ** _Guest_** _\- Oh dear lord no. The caffeine might carry over to Ozpin's next four hosts, all of their hearts exploding nigh-simultaneously._

 ** _vmage2 -_** _Thanks! you know I try._

 ** _TheFishKing_** _\- eeeeeh, I have a different idea for Harry in terms of animal companions. It was a good idea, though._

 ** _MachineOmega -_** _Thanks! you know I try lmao._

 ** _Zathol_** _\- Alright, I think I actually fell off my chair at the line "Bleeeh, what is this the backseat of an 80s van." Ember Celica, Yang's weapons, collapse into her arm bangles/bracelet things. Nora would never be held back in her pancake eating by such a simple thing as her own digestive system! Thanks for the review!_

 ** _Beeswax2_** _\- As you wish... thanks!_

 ** _Mister Cuddlesworth_** _\- Haha, thanks! Make sure to PM me a link, sounds like fun!_

 ** _EmeraldGuardian7_** _\- At this point, I pretty much can't not write crack. There will be serious moments, but the rest of it is designed to make you laugh. Thanks!_

 ** _EVERYONE -_** _Thank you all so much for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it!_

 ** _Update ETA: September 2,_** _but I make no promises._

 **Please review! Feedback is an integral part of improving one's skills, and writing is no exception! Did I make you laugh? Cry? Throw your laptop across the room? Tell me, especially if its that last one - I'm kinda curious!**


	8. Git Gud

**A/N: WOOOOOHOOOOO! We broke 20k words last chapter! That's pretty heckin good for me!**

 **Admittedly ~4k of it is Author Notes and review replies, but hey! The numbers don't lie.**

 **Here's chapter eight. I never actually expected to still be writing at this point.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

PIXELKIND: So, doc, what's the deal? Am I gonna be okay?

DOCTOR: You have a severe case of fanfictionitus. The only thing I can do is prescribe the rights to RWBY and Harry Potter.

PIXELKIND: ( _shrugs_ ) Guess I'll die.

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 8]: Git Gud**

Harry was going to have a wonderful day. He'd just woken up and _known_ that it was going to be great.

He'd weathered through the by-now customary half-hour of Yang hogging the shower with a smile on his face, hummed his way through Weiss' rant about whatever it was she happened to be upset about that day, and even managed to make his way to the cafeteria without causing disproportionate amounts of property damage.

He set down his very specifically pancake-free breakfast on the table across from Ruby.

"Greetings, fellow team leader! Do you know what we're doing today?"

An unholy fire lit in the girl's silver eyes as she responded.

"Combat Class."

That would explain both his wonderful feeling and Ruby's expression - the latter just bordering on psychotic by now.

"Great. It's been a while since I've had to kick butt in class."

The pseudo-Weasley's face split into a vicious grin. "I'm looking forwards to kicking yours."

He tilted his head curiously. Was this a rebellion in the colonies?

Her eyes narrowed into slits. "You made cookies that _ran away from me_. Such cruelty is _unforgivable_."

He rolled his eyes. "Correction: _You_ tried to _steal_ the cookies I made for _my team_. You are in the wrong by default."

She slammed her fist onto the table violently. "That gives you the moral high ground, not the right to perform _war crimes_!"

Harry waved a hand flippantly. "How do you expect to be a Huntress if you can't even not eat a cookie?"

"But..." she gave him her best puppy eyes. " _C_ _ookies_."

He deliberately looked away under the guise of gazing dramatically into the distance. "Try that in court."

"I will. And I'll win, because every _reasonable_ person knows that cookies..." ...what was that armored kid doing over there?

He tuned her out momentarily, focusing on the table nearby. Was... was he _pulling_ on that girl's ears?

"Ow, that hurts!" the girl looked up at the Big Armor. "Please stop." Oh wow, someone else with a British accent. He'd have to talk to her at some point.

Big Armor laughed and turned to his friends. "I told you it was real!"

One of the others, Mohawk Kid, guffawed. "What a freak!"

Oh, he did _not_. That was _not. Cool._

Harry stood up. "Excuse me for a moment, Ruby. There is something I really must take care of."

He strode purposefully towards the guys. Team CRDL, was it? Something like that. That didn't matter.

His wand flicked once, twice, thrice, four times on his way there. This would not be something they would forget anytime soon, he was sure of that.

He firmly grabbed Big Armor and Mohawk Kid by their brand-new bunny ears. "Excuse me, gentlemen. Might I borrow a moment of your time?"

Big Armor opened his mouth. Harry yanked. "Oh, I'm sorry. That wasn't a request."

* * *

Professor Glynda Goodwitch eyed him over the small glasses perched on her nose.

"Mister Winchester claims you somehow transformed his team into Faunus, manhandled them, and then threatened him."

Harry leaned back in his chair. "Maybe Fate decided to reward their complete and utter douchebaggery with some nice pairs of bunny ears. Who could know?"

"You."

He conceded that point with a nod. "I suppose. As for the second claim, he had already shown through his actions that he was perfectly fine with people grabbing and pulling other people's ears - ask, uh, what's her face? Rabbit Faunus with the British accent?"

"Velvet Scarletina of team CVFY."

"Yeah, her. Anyways, that last one was just me helping him out a little. My wizard powers - I took Divination, you know: that's seeing into the future - informed me that the only way for his new ears to disappear was for him to, and I quote directly from the Powers That Be, not be such a bigoted wanker. I was only passing along the message."

Goodwitch stared at him for a moment before sighing and closing her eyes. "Can you fix it?"

"It'll wear off in about a month."

Another moment of silence. "Take a seat; the rest of the class should be arriving soon."

Professor Goodwitch was the best.

* * *

" _Will Harry Potter of Team PWBL and Pyrrha Nikos of Team RRVN come down for the first fight?_ "

Professor Goodwitch was the worst.

* * *

Harry grinned at the woman before him. "Hey Pyrrha! What's up?"

Pyrrha gave a small wave. "Hello again!"

Goodwitch cleared her throat. "If the two of you are ready..." she trailed off meaningfully.

The two Huntsmen-in-Training nodded and fell into a ready stance.

"Begin."

Almost instantly, Pyrrha lunged forwards with Milo. He jumped backwards, the spear-tip barely grazing his chest. Oh Merlin, she was fast.

He could fix that.

" _Arresto Momentum!_ "

The spell bounced off her shield, which was suddenly there. That was fine, he thought as he blocked a lightning-fast strike with a Shield Charm. There was more than one way to skin a Skrewt.

He hoped. Nobody had actually looked into the anatomy of those monstrosities.

" _Ascendio! Wingardium Leviosa!_ "

He shot into the air and hung there. He let loose a flurry of Reductors and Blasting Curses, only to cut off the stream to block a thrown shield.

Suddenly, Pyrrha was in his face. With a sword. About fifteen feet in the air.

That was unexpected. There was no time to speak spells now. He'd have to go nonverbal.

 _Gladius Duo._

Ethereal blades appeared on the tips of his wands as he parried her strike - no it was a feint! He poured more energy into his Levitation Charm, lifting himself over her slash.

He released his hold on the Levitation Charm, dropping himself feet-first onto his opponent. The shield, which was back in her hands again, was the only surface he met. She swung it around, pushing him off to the side.

 _Aquamenti Maxima._

A torrential jet of water spewed forth from his wands, rocketing him away from the waiting spear - but towards the side of the arena. He swung his arms around and barely managed to land inside the designated fight area.

A fast-paced series of splashes warned him of his opponent's approach. He turned, making eye contact with Pyrrha's brilliant green eyes as he shot an overpowered Freezing spell directly into the water. They widened dramatically as he grinned and twisted out of existence.

He reappeared in the center of the arena just in time to see her plant her spear into the ice, turning neatly inside the ring, before pulling it back out. Merlin's pants, this girl made it look like she was a sodding professional ice skater as well!

Harry took the time to cast weak sticking charms on the bottom of his shoes before releasing another torrent of blasting spells - this time at the ice in front of her.

She raised her shield to protect her face from the chips of ice, but her foot got caught in one of the new holes.

His smirk died an ugly death as Pyrrha managed to turn her trip into a roll, slashing at his legs with her sword.

He quickly backed up, relishing the minor confusion in her eyes as he completely failed to slip on the ice. She swung her blade upwards toward him.

 _Gladius Duo._

Twin ghostly blades met hers. She flicked a switch on her handle before flipping it upwards against the blades, transforming the sword into a rifle even as it spun over his counter. She fired directly into his chest, bullets smashing against his Aura.

Right. Everything was a gun. Harry would have to get used to that.

He flicked the blades upward, pointing the rifle into the air. It shifted back into a spear as it continued to spin, firing again to launch itself right towards his face. He ducked to the side, but received a shield to the face for his troubles. He leaned back and spun, swinging a kick at Pyrrha's side. His foot met the haft of her spear, before he was pushed off-balance.

Thank Merlin for sticking charms. He pulled his foot back, bringing the spear with it. As she leaned forwards, he swung his wand-blade at her.

Her shield flew up.

 _Finite._

His wand swung past the rim of the shield, blade dissolving into mist.

 _Reducto._

The Reductor Curse smashed into her chest, pushing her about two yards away.

As she stared at him with wide eyes, he pulled the weapon off his shoe. He inspected it for a moment, before tossing it over his shoulder.

He looked back at his opponent. A wide grin had split her face, and her eyes had narrowed in a joyous kind of determination.

That wasn't good at all.

That was actually kind of scary.

Pyrrha charged towards him once more, leading with her shield. She would try to get back to her spear.

He would have to take drastic measures.

 _Ignis Eructo._

A massive whip of flames manifested on the tip of his wand. He flicked it at the ground in front of her, melting swathes of the ice that covered the arena. She nimbly leapt over the fire and threw her shield at him.

He Banished it away from him, but also not towards her. He wasn't going to help her by just giving her weapon back, although the point was moot from the way it bounced right back to her hand.

Harry was pretty sure that wasn't how physics worked, but his specialty had always lain in defying it as well. He didn't have much room to speak.

He flicked the whip at his opponent once more, only for her to easily duck under it.

Dang it, she'd gotten into punching range. Her fists had so kindly announced their presence to his kidneys.

How wonderful.

 _Levicorpus._

With her at practically point blank, there was no chance for her to block or dodge the nonverbal spell. Her leg jerked out from under her. The full effect of the spell was cut off as her blood-red Aura flashed into the visible spectrum.

Huh. Flaring Aura seemed to throw off spells. Good to know.

Harry launched a flurry of Disarming Charms, Blasting Curses, and Banishers. Somehow, even while she was half upside-down and airborne, the bronze shield intercepted every last jet of light. That just wasn't fair.

And she somehow managed to land next to her spear, which almost _jumped_ into her hand.

Oh no.

 _Protego._

The shield cracked under the force of the blow.

 _Protego._

A new shield formed as the previous one shattered. Almost immediately, cracks began to form throughout it.

As Harry frantically backpedaled, casting shields left and right, he realized he had to do _something_.

His mind cleared.

The Shields disappeared.

Pyrrha rushed towards him.

Sticking charm to her front foot, just as she got in range.

Sidestepped jab. Sticking charm to other foot.

Ducked under swipe. Transfiguration: Visualize what you want - not enough time. First thing to mind?

Blake eating breakfast.

Both Harry and Pyrrha stared at the whole, raw tuna in her hand.

She swung the fish back, even as Harry's wand shot out. He had to hit her before she flared her Aura and escaped.

 _Bombarda..._

SMACK. Turned out it was actually rather painful to take a raw tuna to the face. Oh well.

 _...Maxima!_

The buzzer rang out. Harry swung his wand to the side even as the spell erupted. Chips of concrete rained down on him as he turned to the professor.

"I'm sorry- what?"

Goodwitch gestured to the Aura meters. His was barely into the red, while Pyrrha's was still at about 85%.

" _That was an excellent fight. Mister Potter was able to keep his opponent on her toes by constantly changing styles and methods as soon as he saw what he was doing didn't work. Miss Nikos was able to handle and adapt to everything he threw at her, while managing to keep up her offensive. Now, Mister Potter, what have you learned from this fight?_ "

He shrugged. "A whole, raw tuna to the face still hurts?"

Goodwitch glared at him. He sighed.

"I need to keep my eye on the Aura Meter. I need to work on accurately assessing the capabilities of my opponent and specifically create strategies against them, rather than just throwing everything I've got willy-nilly. I depend on my spells too much - I was vastly outperformed in all actual melee combat I engaged in. If I attempt to eliminate my opponent's weapon, I need to do so properly or they'll just get it back. I think that's it?"

" _Good. Miss Nikos?_ "

"I allowed my opponent to dictate the terms of the fight and fought defensively for the majority of it. I was unprepared for such levels of versatility and failed to properly account for it."

" _Very good. Please return to your seats. For the next fight, will..._ "

He turned back to Pyrrha, shaking her extended hand. "That was _fun_."

She nodded. "It's been quite some time since anyone has challenged me in such a way. Perhaps we should try sparring together sometime?"

Harry nodded thoughtfully. "How does Friday afternoon sound to you?"

She grinned. "That sounds _grand_."

* * *

Jaune eyed the Beowolf pack warily. He _might_ be able to fight them off without injury, but that wasn't exactly the sort of chance he wanted to take.

His eyes glanced over to a nearby tree, following it up to the canopy. He should be able to climb that, and stay up there until they left. Now that he thought about it, he probably should have tried climbing something a while ago. Maybe there was some sort of frontier town nearby? Who knew?

He glared at his now-dead scroll balefully. He wouldn't even be able to tell if he was within CCT range now. He sighed and slipped it back into his pocket, before shimmying up the tree.

More trees, was the first thing he saw. It was also the second, third, and fourth things he saw. The fifth thing he saw, however, was a thin smoke trail. Like some sort of campfire, really far away.

Like, _really_ far away.

He shrugged - it wasn't like Beacon wasn't even further than that. He may as well swing by - eating rabbits got old _really_ quick.

Suddenly, the branch he was wrapped around jerked with an ear-splitting CRACK.

Son of a-

He fell.

* * *

"So, uh... what's with all the balloons?"

Weiss blinked, before turning to him. "It's in preparation for the Vytal Festival, of course! You know, the annual event celebrating peace and the role of Huntsmen and Huntresses?"

Harry rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. He'd never actually _told_ them he was from a different universe. Oh well.

"Oh yeah... that thing... that I definitely know all about..."

Weiss and Yang just _looked_ at him. Quick, find a distraction! Um...

"Look, a crime scene!"

Three heads swiveled towards the shattered storefront. Mission: Success.

Weiss walked towards the heavily mustached officer standing outside. "What happened here?"

"Dust robbery, ma'am - Second one this week. This place is turning into a jungle."

Yang sighed sadly. "Man, that's terrible."

Another voice rang out from within the store. "They left all the money again."

Harry blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

Officer 'Stache nodded. "Yeah, doesn't make any sense. Who needs all that Dust?"

The other policeman - one wearing shades - walked back outside. "I dunno, an army?"

'Stache's eyebrow rose. "You thinking White Fang?"

Officer Shades lifted his shades. "What I'm _thinking_ , is that we don't get paid enough."

Harry raised a hand. "Sorry, what's the White Fang again?"

Weiss looked at him sideways. "A radical Faunus terrorist group dedicated to the annihilation of humankind. Seriously Harry, don't you know _anything_ about current events?"

His witty retort was cut off by the sound of Blake snapping her book closed - wait _what?_ She usually just read while paying attention to the conversation, and occasionally delivered perfectly-timed zingers. That meant this was _serious_.

Her amber eyes locked onto Weiss' icy blue ones. "What's _your_ problem?"

Weiss blinked in surprise. " _My_ problem? I simply don't care for the criminally insane!"

"The White Fang is hardly a bunch of psychopaths. They're a collection of misguided Faunus."

"Misguided? They want to wipe humanity off the face of the _planet_!"

Blake crossed her arms. "So they're _very_ misguided. Either way, it doesn't explain why they'd rob a Dust shop in the middle of downtown Vale."

Yang raised her arm in the direction of Blake. "Blake: one! Weiss: zero!"

Harry seized the chance to derail the argument. "So, what are we doing here anyways?" he paused. "It smells like fish."

Weiss straightened her back. "I've heard that students visiting from Vacuo will be arriving by ship today. And, as a _representative_ of Beacon, I feel as though it is my _solemn_ duty to welcome them to this _fine_ kingdom!"

He nodded in understanding. "So you want to spy on them, but your sense of propriety forced you to come up with an excuse."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't prove that."

He grinned. "You forget - I'm a wizard. I can do _anything_."

Blake was back to reading. Crisis: averted.

Suddenly, a voice rang out through the docks.

"Hey! Stop that Faunus!"

He'd jinxed it, hadn't he?

The Faunus in question was swinging from a nearby lamppost from a blonde tail, holding a banana. "Thanks for the ride, guys!"

One of the sailors shook his fist at the guy. "You no-good stowaway!"

He held up a hand. "Hey! A no-good stowaway would've been caught! I'm a great stowaway!"

Harry nodded thoughtfully. "He makes a good point. I like him."

Officer 'Stache ran up towards the lamppost. "Get down from there this instant!"

The monkey Faunus dropped the banana peel on Officer Stache's face and leapt off the post. He ran past the team, winking at Blake in particular. Huh.

Yang sidled up to Weiss. "Hey, you wanted to see the competition... there he goes."

Weiss practically leapt into action. "Quick - we _must_ observe him!"

She grabbed the edge of Harry's cloak and practically dragged him down the street. He flailed his arms at the unexpected pressure on his neck, before yanking his cloak away from her. "Hey! Hands off the merchandise! I'm coming, for Merlin's sake!"

The two of them turned a corner, chasing after a flash of blonde.

A sudden impact knocked the air out of his lungs as he ran into a brick wall - wait no, it was a person. He stared at the sky uncomprehendingly for a moment, before a bright pair of mint-green eyes blocked his view.

"Salutations, citizen of Vale! Do you require assistance?"

* * *

 **A/N: That's right, ladies and gents, Best Girl has arrived.**

 **So, that was a thing, I guess. Cardin got PRANK'D, Harry fought the Invincible Gal, Jaune is still unlucky, and the crew ran into Penny (literally).**

 **I hope the fight scene gave you a good idea of what Harry's fighting style is going to be - versatility is key. He has a normal amount of Aura, so he's not some sort of tank/punching bag/chew toy that lots of Jaunes end up being. He just continuously tries new methods of attack until something works, while avoiding actually taking damage.**

 **ON REVIEWS: Thank y'all so much for taking the time to review, but I'm gonna have to stop replying individually to you guys - its driving the word count up like nobody's business and it's kind of annoying to some people. Please, don't stop leaving reviews but I just can't keep doing what I have been.**

 **Really though, thank you all!**

 **Expect an update in anywhere from a week to a month. I'm kind of aiming for the 25th because thats in a week and also a nice number, but as always, I make no promises.**

 **On the upside - we're officially about 2/3 of the way through [ACT 1]: Viva La Muerte! I'm not doing a 5-act structure, they mirror the Volumes of the show. At least, up until the fifth one, but I do have plans to actually finish this. I'm tentatively saying seven acts? Might be more, might be less. Some might be longer, other shorter. It's really just a way for me to keep organised and work in as many joke titles as I can.**

 **Thanks, again! Review if you can, or want to, or have some other reason to do so. Please have a reason to do so - a large part of improving skills is recieving feedback, and that's what reviews are for me!**

 **Pixel Out.**


	9. Out Of The Bag

**A/N: Welp. Here's chapter nine, I guess. Sorry for literally being two months behind schedule, but what's done is done I guess.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

LAWYER: ( _slams fist on table_ ) OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR!

JUDGE: ( _leans forwards_ ) On what grounds?

LAWYER: ( _raises finger_ ) This entire trial is a sham - It clearly states in the disclaimer that my client, PixelKind, does _not_ own the rights to RWBY or Harry Potter!

JUDGE: ( _blinks_ ) What disclaimer?

LAWYER: The one we're in right… now…

JUDGE: ( _lifts eyebrow_ )

LAWYER: ( _throws briefcase on ground_ ) God dammit I broke the fourth wall again.

* * *

 _A sudden impact knocked the air out of his lungs as he ran into a brick wall - wait no, it was a person. He stared at the sky uncomprehendingly for a moment, before a bright pair of mint-green eyes blocked his view._

 _"Salutations, citizen of Vale! Do you require assistance?"_

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 9]: Out Of The Bag**

Harry blinked. "Nah, I'm good." He paused for a moment, patting himself down, before thrusting a small bag towards the girl standing over him.

"Lemon Drop?"

She looked down at him questioningly. "Indeed, they are."

He rolled his eyes and shook the bag at her. "Take one. Eat it."

She tentatively reached into the bag, and pulled out a small yellow candy. She eyed it dubiously. "I was informed that I should not accept candy from strangers."

She turned her eyes back to Harry, who was still laying on the ground. Her eyes suddenly lit up. "Salutations! I am Penny Polendina, Student of Atlas Academy!"

Harry blinked, but figured he'd go along with... whatever this was. "Harry Potter, Wizard Extraordinaire. I go to Beacon. Pleasure to meet you!"

She nodded enthusiastically. "It is a pleasure to meet you as well! Now that we are acquainted, you are no longer a stranger!"

With that, she threw the Lemon Drop into her mouth. Harry grinned.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Weiss stomping her way back towards them. Oh boy.

"What are you _doing_ , laying on the road like that! Don't you know how _dirty_ it is?"

Harry blinked, before waving his wand over himself. He, along with the ground in a three foot radius of him, suddenly became immaculately clean.

"You were saying?"

Weiss glared daggers at him, before snatching the bag of lemon drops from his hand.

"Gah! Why? Do you know how much time I spent making that bag bottomless?"

She rolled her eyes. "Consider it confiscated."

He tilted his head. "But... I'm the team leader." He pointed an accusatory finger at her. "You hold no authority over me, you fiend!"

She kicked him lightly on the shoulder. "Get up, or Oum help me I will _make_ you get up!"

Suddenly, a strong hand grabbed the back of his shirt and lifted him back onto his feet. "C'mon Weiss Cream, he probably just forgot how to use his legs for a second. Since, you know, he always does everything with his wand all the time."

Harry dusted off his shoulder and glared at Yang. "I'll have you know my body is at peak physical performance, thank you very much!"

She rolled her eyes and ruffled his hair. Blake looked up from her book to eye him dubiously. "We go to a school for Huntsmen, Harry. If there is such thing as 'peak physical performance', you're not even _close_ to it."

He gasped and clutched his chest, turning to the redheaded girl watching the conversation with interest. "Ah! Everyone has turned on me, even Blake! Penny, you've gotta help me, you're the last friend I have left!"

Penny froze still, not saying a word. He slowly poked her in the side of the head, and got no response.

Harry tilted his head. "Did I break her? Should I, like, call an ambulance or something?"

Her head slowly swiveled to face him. "What did you just say?"

"I asked if I should call an-"

"You called me your friend."

He blinked. "...yeah, I guess I did."

Her eyes widened. "Am I really your _friend?_ "

 _Suddenly, he wasn't looking at Penny. He was looking at a smaller girl, with long blonde hair and a butterbeer cork necklace. Her dreamy silver eyes were fixed on a point far outside the compartment window, and a faint smile graced her lips._

 _"... it was almost like having friends..."_

Harry stared Penny in the eyes, ignoring the frantic signalling of the rest of his team. An easy smile spread across his face. "Why, of course!"

An almost maniacal grin split the girl's face. Her voice lowered slightly, savoring each syllable of her next word.

"Sen- _sational._ "

The five of them stood in silence for a moment.

"Oh- _kay_ then," began Yang. "Did you guys ever find that guy you were chasing?"

Weiss shook her head. "No, he escaped by climbing a building."

Harry's eyebrow rose. "I mean, if we're here to look for competitors in the tournament, Penny _is_ from Atlas..."

Four heads swiveled towards where the girl was bouncing on her toes and staring off into the distance, face-splitting grin still in place.

"Er... never mind."

* * *

Harry cheerfully whistled to himself as he prepared a plate of sandwiches in the kitchen. Cooking was actually quite relaxing to him, especially when he wasn't doing it for the _Dursleys_. Fortunately, that chapter of his life was over. Nowadays, his biggest worry was just the entirety of society falling to the eternal onslaught of hatred that was the Grimm hordes... Well, his _second_ -biggest worry was just normal teenage drama - and wasn't _that_ a thought.

As he lifted the small platter of sandwiches and started walking back to his dorm, passing by an unusually still Ren.

"Harry?"

Harry stopped and turned around, head tilted questioningly. Something about the pink-eyed man seemed… off.

"Have you seen Nora lately? She's been missing all morning."

Ren delivered those words with his usual, bland tone.

Suddenly, Harry noticed something. You see, Ren was a naturally calm man. In fact, Harry would go so far as to call him practically unflappable.

And that's why the man's almost impossibly wide pupils scared him. That Ren was so scared that he could actually _notice_ \- well, factor in the actual words he spoke, and you had something that could quite possibly spell the _end of civilization as they knew it_.

He gulped. "No, I haven't seen her - have you tried messaging her?"

Ren nodded. "She hasn't answered. Neither has Ruby, and I texted both of them an hour ago."

Harry sucked in a deep breath, before patting his friend on the shoulder. "Don't worry too much, Ren. At least Beacon ought to pay for any damages."

Ren closed his eyes for a moment, flaring his bright pink Aura. "That's right, Ren," he muttered to himself. "Think on the bright side." His eyes opened, revealing that they had gone back to normal; remarkable only in color and calmness.

"That's the spirit," Harry grinned as he turned back towards his dorm. He threw the door open, coming face to face with Blake.

Now, Harry wasn't _quite_ as oblivious as some people ( _Weiss_ ) might think. He noticed the tense atmosphere of the room. He noticed the expressions of shock on Yang and Weiss' faces. He noticed the cornered look on Blake's.

He also noticed that, when he'd opened the door, her bow had _twisted_ itself apart, revealing a pair of rather striking cat ears flattened against her head. Huh.

Yang made a quiet choking sound.

"Hey, Blake. I love the ears, by the way."

Her pupils dilated, searching for an escape route. What in Merlin's name had he missed, to make her act like _that_? Harry would have to be very careful not to spook her.

"Want a sandwich?"

When her eyes snapped back to him, he waved the platter enticingly. Only a few of them were tuna, but it should do.

Her eyes flicked to the window over Yang's bed.

Oh, she was _not_ about to-

Blake bolted, throwing herself out the window.

He sighed and slumped against a desk.

"I guess my cooking really _is_ that bad."

Weiss' nostrils flared as she turned to him. "How can you _joke_ at a time like this?"

He blinked. "My teammate literally just jumped out the window. How could I _not_ make a joke about it?"

"Oh, I don't know - maybe by thinking about the fact that our _teammate_ is a FAUNUS TERRORIST!"

"So you say."

"She practically ADMITTED IT!"

He raised an eyebrow. "By… jumping out the window?"

Weiss' face was starting to turn pink. That disproved his theory that she was a vampire, he supposed. "You saw the ears! She's a faunus!"

He tilted his head questioningly. "So… she's a terrorist… because she's a faunus?"

" _Exactly_!"

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. "So, you're willing to condemn your teammate simply because they happen to have a different pair of ears?" His tone was cold, without even a shred of humor.

"Well, she was hiding them for _some_ reason!"

His eyes flicked open, making a show of looking Weiss up and down. "I _wonder_ what that reason could _possibly be_."

She spluttered indignantly. Harry sighed. "Look, Weiss, I get your issues with the White Fang - terrorism is _never_ okay, and from what I've read they seem to prefer targeting your family. The problem here is your assumptions that every Faunus is a member. So just, like, tone it down or something?"

There was a moment of silence, before their attention was taken by muffled shouting coming from directly above Weiss. Suddenly, there was an explosion of plaster, splinters of wood, and the color beige.

When the dust settled, Harry was treated to the rare sight of a pile of Weiss, Plaster, Nora in a safari outfit, a net gun, Ruby in a safari outfit, another net gun, and some more plaster. All in that order.

At the edge of the hole in the ceiling, a cookie with arms and legs was giggling and pointing at the fallen members of Team RRVN. Nora squirmed halfway out from under her team leader and shook her fist weakly at the animated confection. With a last high pitched chuckle, it turned and scampered back into the torn air duct.

Yang stared back up into the hole, before turning to Harry. "How many of those were there, again?"

He thought for a moment. "Er… two dozen?"

She nodded blankly, before sitting down on her bed.

Harry sighed and pulled out his Scroll. "Ruby, Nora, help yourselves to some sandwiches. I'm calling Ren."

* * *

When Jaune fell out of a tree and directly into a large pack of Beowolves, his reaction was something along the lines of "Well darn heck."

When he fell in such a manner that the sheathed Crocea Mors was jammed directly down the Alpha's throat, his reaction was to enthusiastically thank any sort of deity that might have happened to care one whit about his existence.

When the Alpha bit down _just right_ to expand Crocea Mors' sheathe into full shield form, he took a second to laugh internally. Especially when the Grimm's head split open in a shower of black mist.

When he actually hit the ground, there were a few seconds dedicated to lamenting the trials that Oum had seen fit to put him through. "Why me," he thought to himself. "What had I done to deserve this?"

He studiously ignored the fact that the root cause of his suffering was his original plan to con his way into Beacon. It wasn't like he'd had an opportunity to _go through_ with it or anything!

And honestly? By the time he actually _made it_ to Vale, he could probably get into Beacon without lying about a single thing! His mom always said the best thing for a resume was real world experience, and he was getting that in _spades_.

The rest of his time was spent running away from the pack of ravenous demon wolves he'd just landed on.

* * *

Yang sighed and slumped against her chair. "I still dunno why you can't just do some hocus-pocus to figure out where Blake is." The three of them had spent most of the day searching for their wayward teammate, and had just decided to take a short break at a nearby cafe.

Why not indeed? Harry rolled his eyes and pulled out his wand. " _Point Me, Blake Belladonna_."

The wand spun erratically in his hand, refusing to settle on any particular direction.

She blinked. "What's that mean?"

He tossed the wand into the air, before catching it and slipping it back into its holster. "What it _means_ is that she doesn't want to be found."

"That sounds kinda… useless."

He shrugged and gestured vaguely with his teacup. "Meh. Good for finding something you misplaced, or your glasses if they fell off the nightstand. This isn't technology, it doesn't work the same way - it's more conceptual than logical. The simple expedient of _trying_ to hide something is enough to block it. Anything that'll work past that needs to be applied to the target _before_ you need to find it."

Weiss' eyebrow lifted as she lowered her coffee. "Is that why you were waving your wand over everything we owned?"

He inclined his head towards her. "Pretty much. I didn't cast them directly _on_ you since my magic seems to do weird things with Aura. I could probably tie it directly into your identity, but that could lead to… interesting side effects."

Yang leaned forwards. "Like what?"

He waved his hand flippantly. "Oh, you know - magical enslavement, spontaneous combustion, an inexplicable urge to eat live butterflies. The usual."

She stared at him, nonplussed. "I have questions, and I don't know if I want the answers."

"What matters is that I can't solve all our problems with a wave of my wand." He paused for a moment. "This time, at least."

* * *

Blake eyed the shirtless faunus across from her warily. She took a small sip of tea before deliberately setting down her cup.

"You're persistent, I'll give you that."

His face practically lit up. "Hey, you _do_ talk!"

She rolled her eyes. "I _was_ taught not to talk to strangers, you know. I just felt as though that label no longer applied after you hit the eighteen-hour mark."

He shrugged, lopsided grin on his face. "I figured if you _really_ didn't want me here you could have easily gotten rid of me, no problem."

She nodded. "At least you're aware of your own expendability. What's with that, by the way? Do you just stalk random girls in your spare time?"

He waved a hand flippantly. "Nah, you just looked like you could use the company. Faunus solidarity, yeah? If we won't help each other out, who will?"

She snorted into her teacup. "Who indeed?"

They sat in silence for a moment, before the blond tilted his head. "Hey, what's your name? I'm Sun, by the way. Sun Wukong."

"Blake Belladonna."

Sun considered that for a moment, before nodding. "So, uh, Blake. What's the deal?"

She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"First time I see you, you're hanging out with your team - I _assume_ that was your team you were with? With the pale one and the blonde?"

"Yes, they are on my team."

"Okay. So yeah, you seem to be getting on fine with them - next thing I know, I see you literally jumping out a dorm window with your ears out in the open."

Blake tilted her head. "Sun, just what kind of stalker _are_ you?"

He shook his head violently. "No, no! It's not like that, I promise! I'm here for the Vytal festival, just showed up real early, so I figured I'd take a look around Beacon when suddenly - boom, sexy girl jumps out a window!"

She blinked, before taking another sip of her tea.

"Not that I'm saying you're _sexy_ \- well, you're not _not_ sexy - you're reasonably attractive - but - "

She decided to put him out of his misery. "You know the White Fang?"

He snorted. "Yeah, who _hasn't_ heard of those psychos?"

She eyed him sardonically. "I was a high-ranking member."

He spit his tea - not _quite_ all over her, though. Thank Oum for the small mercies. "I mean - sure, their cause is a good one-"

"Don't worry. My resignation was… _enthusiastic_."

Sun sighed, before leaning back in his seat. "Look, I'm just going to let you finish talking before I say anything else."

She inclined her head. "That would probably be for the best."

* * *

 **A/N: There you have it, folks! Lemme tell ya, this one was a doozy to write. I had to figure out how to write** _ **disapproving!Harry**_ **and** _ **Sun Wukong**_ **and** _ **Blake Actually Carrying On A Dialogue**_ **and** _ **Magical Theory Exposition**_ **all without making everything** _ **Boring**_ **!**

 **It didn't feel quite right, but I've been working on this long enough to just go ahead and publish it. I'm** _ **really**_ **sorry it took so long - like, two months over the target - but education is a heck.**

 **Jaune's violently fluctuating luck continues, and you should know by now that Ruby won't give up on those cookies** _ **quite**_ **that easily!**

 **Once I finish up with Act 1, I'm probably gonna start working on another project. I'll still work on NGA, maybe alternating updates or something? Anyways, there's a 50/50 that it'll be another Harry Potter crossover, and I'm trying to decide between My Hero Academia and Sword Art Online for the universe. I have… mildly respectable premises for each, and yes it'll probably be more crack.**

 **As always, please please** _ **please**_ **leave a review! A key part of improving skills is feedback, and that's what reviews are for me! Help me become a better writer! Thank you!**

 _ **TENTATIVE UPDATE GOAL:**_ November 30th? No promises, but I'd prefer to have it out within a month this time.

 **Thanks for reading!**


	10. Constant Vigilance

**A/N: Welp. Chapter 10, here we go.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

VOLDEMORT: _CRUCIO_!

( _PIXELKIND writhes on the ground in agony for a moment, before stopping and breathing heavily_ )

VOLDEMORT: Now do you wish to continue this foolishness, or will you sign over the rights to Harry Potter and RWBY?

PIXELKIND: ( _spits blood onto the floor, laughs_ ) I don't have 'em!

VOLDEMORT: ( _raises wand_ ) Then who does?

PIXELKIND: ( _cackles maniacally_ ) JK Rowling and Roosterteeth!

VOLDEMORT: _AVADA KEDAVRA_!

( _PIXELKIND falls limp. VOLDEMORT storms from the room dramatically_ )

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 10]: Constant Vigilance**

Harry practically _bounced_ down the street, barely avoiding pedestrians and motorists alike. Weiss grabbed the hood of his cloak and pulled him back.

"Harry, I swear to Oum if you took that cursed bag of candy back I will end your pitiful life on every plane of existence I have access to."

He waved a hand flippantly. "Nah, too much work. I just got a hold of my backup."

Yang let out a bark of laughter. "You seriously had _another_ infinite bag of Lemon Drops lying around?"

He shook his head and held out a handful of brightly colored candies. "Jelly beans, this time. They don't have quite the same charm as the Lemon Drops, but beggars can't be choosers." He threw the jelly beans into his mouth, then paused. "It would also appear they have a _much_ higher sugar content. Remind me to actually read the backs of the bags next time."

Weiss pulled Harry even further back, until her mouth was right next to his ear.

"That seems to imply there will _be_ a next time."

He laughed nervously. "Oh, I, uh, I guess it does? Imagine that-"

Her grip tightened further, putting pressure on his neck. "There will be no next time, Harry."

His eyes darted across the streets, searching for something that could save him-

"Salutations, Friend Harry!"

He tore his cloak from his partner's grip and darted behind Penny. "Hey, Penny, what's up?" He turned to Weiss, who was still glaring at him icily.

"Oh look whaddya know there's four of us and we'd cover more ground if we split up I'll go with Penny have fun!"

Harry grabbed Penny's wrist and tried to drag her down the street. Tried, being the operative word. She simply walked at a normal pace, practically ignoring his efforts. Seriously, what was she _made_ of? "Harry, why are you running away from your teammates?"

He shuddered and ducked down behind his new human shield. "It's called a tactical retreat," he whispered.

Penny nodded. "I am indeed familiar with such maneuvers. Allow me to assist."

And with that, she picked him up, slung him over her shoulder, and positively _booked it_.

Harry was fine with this.

* * *

Sun sipped his tea, cup still held by his tail. "So you don't want to go back to your team yet because you want to make sure that the White Fang isn't responsible for stealing Dust?"

Blake nodded.

"And… why is that actually relevant to the problem, again? I think I might have missed that part."

She sighed. "Sun, in your simplest words, explain what a terrorist organization does."

He paused for a moment. "Make things go boom?"

She nodded. "And what _exactly_ happens when you shoot Dust?"

"...boom?"

She smiled at him patronizingly. "Good job, Sun. Now, I'm not _quite_ delusional enough to convince myself the White Fang hasn't become a terrorist organization, so what do you think they would do with _that much Dust_?"

He paled. Good. He was starting to understand.

"So which do you think is more important right now? My social drama, or the current issue at hand?"

He looked at her dubiously. "Wouldn't it be easier with, you know, your team?"

She winced. "I don't know if they can trust me right now, and frankly it would be entirely justified. Don't worry, I'm used to doing two-person ops. I know what I'm doing." Being Adam's partner had required nothing less.

He nodded slowly, before snapping upright. "I heard something back at the docks earlier - something about a _massive_ shipment of Dust coming in tonight!"

Her eyes narrowed. "Then we better get ready. If it isn't the White Fang? Good. If it is… we're going to have to stop them, one way or another."

* * *

By the time Jaune reached the tall, imposing wooden walls he'd seen from a distance, he was reasonably sure he'd lost the pursuing Grimm. Regardless, an actually safe place to rest would be a rather welcome development to him. He knocked on the massive gate.

A shady, scruffy-looking man stuck his head over the side of the wall. "Hand over your Lien and I might _think_ about letting you in!"

Jaune's face fell. He'd come all this way, was _so close_ to civilization, and it had to be _bandits_.

He heard a snort come from the other side of the wall. Another head stuck over the wall, this time a darker skinned girl. "Idiot. If the kid had Lien I doubt he'd be here in the first place. That sword, however… I can see it fetching a pretty penny."

Jaune sighed and glared up at her. "Sorry - actually not sorry, but I kinda need it. For, you know, not dying painfully to Grimm?"

She laughed derisively. "What are you, some kind of Huntsman?"

He shrugged. "Eh, depends who you ask. Why?"

"No reason. The offer still stands; your sword in exchange for _considering_ letting you in."

"Yeah, not happening."

She disappeared back behind the wall, although a faint "What a nerd" echoed down to him.

Fine, then. Jaune Arc, Grimmslayer, had no need for _walls_. Or actual food. Or a real bed. Or shelter of any sort.

Well… he did, it's just that he needed Crocea Mors quite a lot more than any of that.

His musings were interrupted by ominous howling. He turned around to see the Beowolf Pack that had been chasing him emerge from the shadows of the forest. Damn.

Faced with few options, he drew his blade and leveled it at his enemies.

From behind him, he heard the girl speak again. "Oh my God, someone get Raven over here. Watching this dumbass get eviscerated is gonna be _great_."

Jaune did _not_ appreciate the vote of confidence.

* * *

Weiss, Yang noticed, complained a _lot_.

"How _dare_ he just run off with some random girl and leave _us_ to look for Blake! What kind of team leader does he think he _is_?"

Yang tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I mean, splitting up to cover more ground _does_ make sense."

"Not when it puts _him_ with the only person who doesn't even know what we're supposed to be doing! He's probably going to start a fight with a noodle vendor or something!"

"Eh, I'm pretty sure most of the time he acts like an idiot it's just to mess with you."

Weiss stopped and stared at her. "Yang. We are talking about the man who uses a literal rooster as an alarm clock. He goes _out of his way_ to spend time with Nora. Tell that to me again with a straight face."

Yang was silent for a moment. "Correction: at least _some_ of the time, he acts like an idiot to mess with you."

Weiss tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. "Do go on."

"Besides," continued Yang, "It was either he went with Penny, one of _us_ went with her, or she tagged along with all of us."

"You make a convincing argument, Xiao-Long."

She grinned and tossed her hair. "Damn straight I do."

Weiss sighed and rolled her eyes. "It's getting late, do you wanna go ahead and head back now?"

Yang shrugged. "Eh, I'll text Harry."

She pulled out her Scroll and opened her contacts, but a flash of motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention. Her head turned just in time to catch a shadowy figure disappear into an alleyway with a familiar, almost feline grace.

Blake.

She grabbed Weiss' arm and dragged her along after them. The Heiress opened her mouth, but Yang shushed her.

"I think I saw something. C'mon, let's go."

* * *

"...and you're _sure_ this was it?" asked Blake.

The two of them were ducked behind the air duct of a building overlooking the dock in question. There _was_ a massive ship full of SDC cargo crates, but the scene was entirely devoid of life.

Which was kind of weird for such a large shipment of Dust, especially with how the White Fang had been raiding SDC shipments over the past few years. The lack of security, automated or otherwise, was uncharacteristic.

Sun shrugged. "I mean, it sure _looks_ like a boat chock-full of SDC Dust..."

Blake tilted her head in acknowledgement. Suddenly, her ears flicked upwards.

"Do you hear that?"

He shook his head. "You're the one with cat ears, not me."

She listened intently for a moment. "Bullheads, five of them, approaching rapidly. Looks like this is it."

The two of them ducked further behind the air duct as the Bullheads roared into view. They landed next to the ship, and groups of hooded figures came down the ramps. The symbol of the White Fang emblazoned on the back of their vests.

 _Dammit._

Come on, Blake, you can do this. Keep a level head - you can't _afford_ to screw this up.

. Primary objective, prevent the Dust from leaving by any means necessary. Five groups of six, each team securing a crate. She didn't like those odds - at least a third of them would have Aura. Frontal attack wouldn't work, so that meant they'd need a distraction-

"Hey! What's the hold up?" An unpleasantly recognizable voice rang out from the central Bullhead. What the hell was _Roman Torchwick_ of all people doing with the White Fang?

"We're not exactly the most inconspicuous bunch of thieves at the moment, so how about you animals try to pick up the _pace_?" How had they not already murdered him?

You know what? Screw it. She turned to Sun. "I'll cause a distraction, you need to do something about the Dust. Blow it up, use it, throw it into the water, I don't care - just don't let them leave with it."

He eyed the White Fang members nervously but nodded. Good.

She unsheathed Gambol Shroud and leapt off the building.

* * *

"And you're _sure_ she went this way?"

Yang rolled her eyes. "No, Weiss, I came all the way over here for the scenery."

Weiss sighed. "No need to be sarcastic, I was just making sure."

The two of them continued down the alleyway carefully, stopping at the end. Yang peered out from behind the corner.

"What's going on?" whispered Weiss.

"I dunno, looks like an SDC cargo ship is being unloaded- wait no, that's White Fang-"

Suddenly, a familiar voice rang out. "Brothers and Sisters of the White Fang!"

Blake _really_ wasn't helping her own case.

Weiss made to step out and, from the looks of it, shout at the large group of _heavily armed terrorists_. Yang held her back, covering her mouth with a hand. "Dammit Weiss, we don't know what's going on!" she whispered harshly. "We can't just run in there - you don't even have your weapon on you!"

She blinked and patted her hip, where her rapier usually hung, and only found the cloth of her dress. "This is… unfortunate."

Yang rolled her eyes. "You don't say."

She turned her attention back to… whatever it was that was happening around the corner. In the thirty seconds that conversation had taken, the situation had devolved into a gunfight- and was that _Roman Torchwick_ over there?

She deployed Ember Celica from its bracelet form and turned back to Weiss. "Can you work with raw Dust or do you need your sword to use it?"

Weiss drew herself up haughtily. "As a Schnee, excellence is expected of me in all matters pertaining to Dust."

Yang rolled her eyes. "Assuming that's a yes, head over to those open crates and grab some if you want to join the fight."

Weiss paused for a moment, before nodding. "I can do that."

Yang was already gone.

* * *

Weiss crept along the side of an SCD cargo crate, carefully keeping it between herself and the fighting. She could help as soon as she got her hands on some Dust, but right now she was pretty much unarmed.

As she neared the open door of the nearest crate, she heard movement. Curses abound. Maybe she could hit them in the back of the head with a glyph? Use a glyph to amplify her own fist? No, she didn't actually know how a throw a punch in the first place - but her heels were _plenty_ sharp, and she was flexible.

She jumped around the corner and came face to face with a semi-shirtless blonde. The same one that they'd tried chasing the previous day. One clearly not wearing a White Fang mask.

He blinked. "Oh, hi! You're one of Blake's teammates, right?"

She swept her eyes up and down his form. "Depends who's asking."

He glanced around him, then snapped back to her. "I swear this isn't what it looks like!"

She raised an eyebrow dubiously. "Well, judging from the trails of red Dust, you seem to be attempting to blow up multiple crates of SDC property."

He looked down at the vial of Dust in his hand. "Well technically yes, but the White Fang stole it first."

She tilted her head in acknowledgement. "That's fair, I suppose. Just let me grab some first."

He stepped away from the crate, watching curiously as she rummaged through the boxes.

"Isn't that, you know, kind of illegal?"

She shrugged and tucked a set of ice Dust crystals into her combat skirt. "I mean, technically this is mine anyways, and I'm using it to defend Schnee property. Not to mention you were going to blow it up anyways."

He stared at her for a moment, before shaking his head. "You are _not_ what I expected a Schnee to be like."

She rolled her eyes. "What, did you expect some sort of baby-eating monstrosity?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Her eyes narrowed. She snatched a red Dust crystal from its case and strode out of the crate, casually flicking a tongue of flames at the spilled Dust along her way.

"Well, I hate to disappoint."

* * *

Harry and Penny both paused as a massive fireball lit up the night sky.

Silently, Harry slipped his wand out of his sleeve and dropped it in the open palm of his hand.

" _Point Me, Blake Belladonna._ "

The length of wood swiveled, pointing steadily at the origin of the explosion.

"Well," began the young wizard as the sky darkened once more, "We found her." He turned to Penny. "That's a good thing, right?"

She nodded happily. "Indeed."

They stood silently for a moment.

"We should probably get over there before they blow up the rest of the city," he commented idly.

"That would the the optimal course of action, yes."

* * *

 **A/N: So there's chapter 10! Sorry its a little short but I had to cut it off there for dramatic reasons. Nothing quite like using arson as a counter-terrorism technique, am I right? Weiss and Yang interacting, Harry pulling Penny into his shenanigans, Jaune meets Bandits, and Torchwick finally shows up!**

 **Just one more chapter to go and ACT 1: Viva la Muerte will be complete!**

 **Did I make you laugh? Cry? Throw your laptop across the room? Leave a review, tell me what you liked, didn't like, ect. - I'm still learning and every little bit helps! Thanks!**

 **NEXT UPDATE GOAL:** **I dunno, gimme like a month? Sorry I can't be more specific but I suck at deadlines (as you have probably already noticed)**

 **Made a Discord Server, so if y'all wanna join go for it.** **/8VWj8jf**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	11. Deus Ex Magica

**A/N: Oh boy, this has been** _ **fun**_ **. Sorry about taking so long but writers block is a heck.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

 **(** _ **PIXELKIND gestures vaguely towards the lack of Rights to Harry Potter or RWBY**_ **)**

* * *

 **[ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte**

 **[CHAPTER 11]: Deus Ex Magica**

Blake did not consider herself a vengeful person. She'd had to cause a distraction, the bigger the better. And there were few people as distracting as Roman Torchwick.

That was the _perfectly reasonable_ explanation for why her blade was pressing up against the man's throat. It had _absolutely nothing_ to do with the continual racial slurs he had been spewing since the moment he'd opened his mouth. Nothing at all.

"Woah! Take it easy there, little lady!"

The surprise of being taken hostage by a teenaged catgirl must have taken quite the toll on the man, since he hadn't yet realised that a blade to the neck meant very little while he still had a full Aura. She'd have to make every second count.

"Brothers and Sisters of the White Fang!"

The majority of the Fang grunts turned towards her. Some drew weapons, some seemed interested in what she was going to say.

She didn't actually _have_ anything planned for this - best to do what came naturally, she supposed?

"Have you fallen so low that you take orders from _this_ human? You fight for freedom and equality, yet work under a man who belittles and berates our race as a whole?" To be fair, she _had_ been pushing for a more moderate approach- but Roman Torchwick was practically the poster child for why many faunus hate humans as a whole.

She felt Torchwick shift under her blade. "Oh, kid, didn't you get the memo? The Fang and I are going in on a joint business venture together!"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I kind of noticed. Could've sworn the White Fang was a civil rights group gone rogue, not a bottom-of-the-barrel mercenary company. So what gives?"

Even from this angle, she could see the smug smirk on the man's face.

"Wouldn't you love to know."

She heard a click.

She jumped backwards, leaving a shadow clone in her wake and kicking off it just in time to watch it dissipate in the bright explosion Torchwick had caused with his cane.

What the hell was his weapon? Some sort of unbelievably gaudy rocket launcher? That was… perfectly in character for him, actually.

She landed lightly on the dock, collapsing Gambol Shroud into its gun form before returning fire. She leapt out of the way of another uncomfortably bright projectile, noticing it landed rather close to some of the White Fang.

Torchwick clearly cared little for his underlings, and perhaps she could use that against him? Use him to take out as much of the Fang as she could before actually attacking properly?

Her thoughts were cut off by a startlingly familiar roar of fury. Looks like Yang showed up-

Wait. _Yang_ was here?

* * *

Yang's eyes narrowed as a shimmering projectile splashed against her gauntlets. Of all the people her partner could have picked a fight with, it had to be a flippin' _Huntsman-Grade Criminal_!

"Go deal with the mooks, I got this!"

Blake nodded and headed back off towards the White Fang grunts.

Yang returned fire, but her shotgun blasts were batted aside almost lazily. She growled and leapt for the cocky thief, blasting Ember Celica behind herself to accelerate quickly. Her fist swung directly at that infuriating smirk, only to meet nothing but the hard metal of the man's cane.

Definitely Huntsman-Grade, no doubt about it.

She released a flurry of jabs, each of them deflected quickly and almost _easily_. Her eyes flashed red, and she let loose a nasty-looking haymaker. He stepped past it, hooked her leg with his cane and pulled it out from under her, slamming her into the ground.

The air rushed out of her lungs and he leveled the barrel of his weapon at her. "End of the-"

He was cut off as a nearby Dust crate detonated violently.

Torchwick sighed and leveled his cane at the figure silhouetted by the flames. "Christ, how many of you kids _are_ there?"

Yang shot her gauntlets against the ground, blasting herself back towards the man to knock off his aim. "We don't really know either, nobody bothered to RSVP. C'mon Weiss, gimme a hand with this guy - He's a dick."

Weiss nodded and formed a razor-sharp icicle off the tip of an Ice Dust crystal, reinforcing it with Aura. It wasn't Myrtenaster, but it would hold for long enough.

The man smirked and jabbed his cane into Yang's stomach. "See, I'd love to stay and see this through, but that was my cue to leave."

Yang glared and cocked her gauntlets once more. "Just try it."

"You know what? I will." With a flourish of his ridiculous white coat, he turned tail and ran.

She roared and took off after him, even as the ground lit up with the pale blue of Weiss' glyphs. Within moments, the path to the edge of the docks was obstructed by a wide wall of ice.

A savage grin spread across Yang's face. "We've got you now, Torchwick!"

His response was simply a razor-sharp smirk as he ducked under her fist, grabbed her arm, and _threw_ her into the wall, smashing a hole in it. He brushed off his coat before rapping her head sharply with his cane. "Here's a tip Blondie, arrogance isn't very attractive."

Her eyes flashed red once more as she lashed out with a vicious backhand that was blocked contemptuously. Again.

Another flash of glyph-light had Torchwick backpedalling as spears of ice smashed against the ground behind him. Yang took the opening for what it was, slugging the man in the gut and blasting him with Ember Celica.

He flew backwards,landing in an empty shipping crate. She jumped in after him and was met with a vicious jab of his weapon. Her answering left hook was evaded as he jumped out the other end of the crate, catching the edge of the roof with his cane and swinging himself up.

And immediately swaying out of the path of a razor-sharp icicle.

"Wow, you kids _really_ don't know when to give up."

Weiss harrumphed, releasing a flurry of blows with her Myrtenicicle that were all dodged or knocked aside. She stepped to the side as Yang swung herself up over the edge and onto Torchwick, knocking him partially off the opposite edge of the crate. Yang put her foot on his back, pushing him down against the metal.

"Anything you wanna say now?"

He turned his head and smirked at her. "Sayonara."

 _Click_.

With a blindingly bright flash, the entire cargo crate was flung into the air, catapulting the criminal towards escape and knocking Weiss and Yang to the ground.

He landed lightly on his feet and tipped his hat. "I'd say it was a pleasure, but it _really_ wasn't."

Suddenly, a Beacon rocket locker smashed into the ground behind the man.

Yang turned to Weiss. "Did you…?"

She simply stared in disbelief. "I didn't even _think_ of that."

A familiar voice rang out across the docks, coming from the nebulous figure perched atop the rocket locker.

"All this fun and you _didn't invite me_?"

* * *

Jaune ignored the insults raining down from the fortified walls, unsheathing Crocea Mors and deploying the shield.

His eyes swept the treeline, counting Grimm. Sure they looked kind of terrifying, but the glowing red eyes _sort of_ destroyed any chance for anyone to not notice they were about to be attacked.

He noticed about four Beowolves out in the open with another six trailing behind in the forest. Good, there were only ten.

The first one leapt at him. He ducked under its wicked sharp claws and thrust his blade up into its neck. As its shadowy form dissolved, he saw two more jumping towards him. He raised his shield hurriedly, trying to block one and kill the other. As the Grimm on his right dissolved, the other's jaws snapped shut on Jaune's shield.

And got stuck on it.

A flash of movement from the corner of his eye had him ducking, dragging his shield (and the attached Beowolf's face) down with him. The attacking Grimm's claws gouged into the back of the trapped one's neck, severing its spine and causing it to dissolve.

Huh. That was awfully convenient.

With a flick of his blade another Beowolf was neatly bisected.

He wasn't doing too bad, actually.

Naturally, the moment he thought this, a set of Grimm jaws bit into his sword arm. Crocea Mors fell onto the ground, dropped out of sheer, mind-numbing _pain_.

A month ago, that would have been enough to make him give up - heck, a _week_ ago he'd have surrendered to fate with that kind of injury. But he had more than just himself to worry about- he'd rather burn in Hell than let those douchebag bandits get his stuff for free.

So he grabbed his sword in his other hand and clumsily hacked the Beowolf's head off. How many were left? Four? Five? Six? His arm _really_ hurt and he was pretty sure he was losing a _lot_ of blood.

But you know what? He didn't get all this way to just die like some kind of loser. He tightened his grip on Crocea Mors and cradled his mangled arm to his chest.

And as the remaining Grimm descended upon him, he stood tall and roared in defiance.

* * *

Harry's eyes swept across the docks, taking in the shattered ice, unconscious White Fang, ruined cargo crates, and various Huntsmen-in-training.

Not to mention the _impressively_ flamboyant man who seemed to be giving his teammates the most trouble. Speaking of which-

"What is this, a pajama party? Hate to say I left my blanket at home."

Harry looked down at his clothes: a t-shirt, sweatpants, and the Invisibility Cloak.

"I see no issue with how I'm dressed, and you know what? You were fighting my teammates _and_ you're wearing mascara - you don't get to question my stylistic choices."

He snorted. "Kids these days, no respect for their elders."

His cane swung up, firing at Harry.

 _Protego_.

The projectile detonated harmlessly against the Shield Charm.

This was Harry's cue to attack. Torchwick was a full-blown Huntsman-grade threat, so he'd have to bring out the big guns on this one.

 _Ignis Eructo_.

A massive whip of flames formed at the end of his wand, lashing out towards the criminal. Torchwick dodged to the side as it smashed into the ground next to him.

Harry kicked off against the rocket locker, jumping off as he cast his next spell.

 _Incarcerous_.

A net of dark rope shot out, even as Harry flicked the fire whip back towards Torchwick. The man ducked under the restraining spell and caught the fire whip on the end of his cane, quickly wrapping it once before yanking it, and the wand that cast it, out of Harry's hand.

Damn it.

 _Accio Wand._

The wand slapped back into his hand as he touched down on the ground next to the scorched and cracked swathe of concrete. A barrage of projectiles had been launched towards him in his moment of distraction.

 _Ascendio_.

He shot up over the bright… grenades? Incendiary rounds? Whatever they were. From his vantage point (roughly twelve meters in the air), he had a great view of Torchwick's expression of mild disbelief.

On the subject of Torchwick's face…

 _Carpe Retractum_.

Glowing orange rope shot out both wands, latching onto the ground on either side of the man and slingshotting Harry directly towards him.

Harry landed in a crouch against the criminal's raised cane, staggering the man back before kicking off against it.

 _Gladius Duo_.

Torchwick snorted as he blocked both spectral blades on his cane. "What the hell are they feeding you kids over there?"

He had to admit, that was a fair question. Harry was pretty sure he'd actually seen an entire swordfish at one of the tables one time. Regardless, he smirked and dispelled one of his blades.

 _Bombarda_.

The criminal went flying back, Aura sparkling a deep orange hue.

He stood back up shakily, before tilting his hat. "That was fun and all, but I _really_ should be going. Toodles!"

'Toodles'? What kind of self-respecting criminal would use the word 'Toodles'? Clearly the man was suffering from severe head trauma.

Crippling concussion or not, Torchwick still seemed to have the mental capacity needed to fire his cane's grappling hook mode at the last escaping Bullhead and swing away.

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Oh no you don't-"

Suddenly, a mint green beam of energy pierced the ship's engines, leaving it to spiral down and crash on the docks.

Penny was _really cool_.

Harry walked over towards the flaming wreckage and pulled the mildly concussed criminal out by his coat.

The man blinked lazily, before sighing. "Ah, fuck it. You win. I surrender."

 _Stupefy. Incarcerous._

Harry tossed the now-unconscious-and-bound Torchwick off to the side, calmly walking over to where his team was tying up the remaining White Fang. He sidled up next to the mildly uncomfortable cat Faunus.

"So, uh… just wondering, but is there any particular reason our resident ninja decided to crash a crime?"

Blake blinked. "I'm not a ninja, I'm a Huntress."

He shrugged. "I mean sure, but you _want_ to be a ninja."

She sighed. "Such a large shipment of Dust in the hands of a terrorist group would be… well, letting them take it would have been a bad idea."

He hummed thoughtfully. "I see your point, Blake. What I don't get, however, is why you decided to ditch your totally awesome team in exchange for some guy with a cool stick."

Sun crossed his arms. "I resent that comment."

Yang shrugged. "I mean, he's pretty much an eight year old. Being 'the guy with a cool stick' is probably a compliment in his book."

Harry nodded his head. "Yeah, but I've got _two_ cool sticks so don't get any bright ideas."

Sun tilted his head. "That's fair, I guess."

Harry flashed him a thumbs up and turned back to Blake. "The question still stands."

She shrugged. "My teammates expressed a dissatisfaction in the state of the team, so I left."

Harry sighed. "Blake, if people left every time Yang made a weird noise our team wouldn't have made it past the five minute mark."

Blake's head tilted. "I was referring to what Weiss said-"

Harry put a hand on her shoulder. "See, that's where you made your mistake. You listened to Weiss."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Wait a second, has anyone called the police?"

Everyone turned to Sun.

"It's just that, uh, there was that big explosion and we have a bunch of tied up terrorists, along with Roman Torchwick of all people, so that might be a good idea?"

Harry pulled out his Scroll. "I knew we kept you around for a reason."

Sun blinked. "Uuuh, what's that supposed to mean?"

Harry raised his Scroll to his ear. "Hello, is this the police? Who do I talk to about getting the reward money for apprehending Torchwick?"

Weiss facepalmed.

"What do you mean, the money is only for a _tip_ that _leads to_ his arrest? Here's a tip, he's tied up and unconscious right in front of me!"

He paused for a moment, listening to whatever poor sod was on the other end of the line.

"You know what? How about you send someone down here and we can deal with this then? We're at the docks- the section with an SDC freighter, scorch marks, and a crashed Bullhead. Thanks, bye."

As Harry stowed his Scroll, he turned back to his team. They were looking at him with varying levels of disbelief.

"What? It's for team funding!"

* * *

Ozpin steepled his fingers, looking at the four students sitting at the other side of his desk.

"So, the four of you individually decided to completely disregard any sort of peril you may have been put in in order to apprehend _the_ most dangerous man in Vale, backed up by an entire team of terrorists?"

Harry nodded. "That… sounds about right."

Ozpin sipped his coffee slowly, savoring the rich taste and coveted rush of caffeine. It was times like these when you had to enjoy the little things, since the big things were clearly irredeemable disappointments and were on the fast track to bringing you a premature death via heart attack.

Not that he was upset or anything.

"Clearly, your team is one of the most advanced to grace the halls of Beacon in many a year."

Miss Schnee practically preened, but Mister Potter clearly knew the other shoe was about to drop.

"So advanced, in fact, that I shall have to schedule you with private lessons with Professor Goodwitch on, ah, survival skills."

Ah, the looks on their faces. The little things, after all.

And there was Glynda, right behind them and as menacing as ever.

"These lessons will include, let's call them tests for any sort of sense of self-preservation, along with demonstrations on when to use them. I'll save you a little time and tell you that that should be most of the time."

Mister Potter turned back towards him. "Er, if it's all the same to you, professor… I'd rather try for a foreign language credit?"

Ozpin laughed. The boy acted like he had a choice in the matter.

* * *

 **A/N: And this concludes [ACT 1]: Viva la Muerte! There's gonna be an intermission chapter or two before act 2 kicks off.**

 **I have created a Discord, so if you wanna talk to me about anything, like the fic or your deep-seated emotional traumas, feel free to join it and start talking! the code is** **8VWj8jf**

 **As always, please leave a review! Feedback is a vital component to improving one's skills and reviews are that for me! Did I make you laugh? Cry? throw your laptop across the room? tell me!**

 **Honestly I have no idea when I'm gonna update. Fingers crossed for within the month but I make no promises.**

 **This thing isn't dying anytime soon!**


	12. INTERMISSION: He's Not Dead Yet

**A/N: intermission time!**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

 **PIXELKIND: Oh no not the rights to RWBY and Harry Potter**

* * *

 **The Next Great Adventure**

 **[INTERMISSION]: He's Not Dead Yet**

Harry stared at the message on his Scroll with mild disbelief.

"This… this is the correct number of zeroes, right?"

Yang leaned over his shoulder to check before whistling, impressed. "Hot damn, that's a lot of money."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Torchwick was a pretty big thorn in the Vale Police Department's side, of course the reward is going to be sizeable."

He nodded thoughtfully. "So I guess the Team PWBL Miscellaneous Funds is off to a surprisingly good start."

Blake looked up from where she lay on her bed. "What're we even going to do with all that money?"

Yang rolled her eyes. "We're going shopping, obviously."

Weiss eyed Yang disdainfully. "Do that with your own money, Yang. This is for official team business."

Yang thought for a moment. "Yeah, but doesn't Harry still need to get a combat outfit? He fought Torchwick in pajamas."

He looked up from his Scroll. "Hey! What's wrong with being comfy?"

Weiss' gaze drifted over to him. "It's a disgrace to the name of Huntsmen everywhere is what it is."

He blinked. "Well excuse me."

Blake sighed and put down her book. "It is kind of important though. Huntsmen and Huntresses have to make quick decisions, and if someone is running around in pajamas then it's easy to assume they're a random civilian in need of protection rather than another Huntsman."

Harry leaned back in his chair. "That… explains a lot, actually."

Weiss turned her head up. "Not to mention that as the team leader, your actions and appearances reflect on all of us."

Yang gave a predatory grin. "Besides, just consider it another Remedial Team Spirit Activity"

"I'm probably going to regret this, but... fine."

* * *

Vernal blinked.

No, it was still there. The unconscious- but somehow not dead- body of that idiot blonde kid, lying in the middle of a darkened circle of Grimm residue.

"Well whaddya know, he actually survived."

Raven nodded besides her. "He was surprisingly strong, given his situation."

Vernal tilted her head. "Any twelve year old with Aura could have handled that."

"Yes, but he doesn't."

She scoffed. "What kind of dumbass goes out into the Grimmlands without even having an unlocked Aura?"

Raven shrugged. "Someone without a choice, I'd say."

She walked in a circle around the unconscious boy, taking in details.

The torn-up arm. The mud-caked hoodie. The blade he carried, shield emblazoned with the Arc family crest, their signature double crescent.

Raven sighed and crouched down next to his head, resting a palm against his forehead.

 _"For it is through strength that we make ourselves. Through this, we carve our own fates into the earth and stars alike. Infinite in power and unfettered by chains, I release your soul, and by my blade, empower thee."_

Hmmm. That had actually taken her effort. The surprises kept coming. She smirked and pulled a sticky note out from one of her pockets.

After scribbling a note, she slapped it against the kid's forehead and stood up.

"Come, Vernal. We're moving camp."

Vernal tilted her head. "Oh? Where to?"

Raven's head tilted thoughtfully. "I hear Mistral is nice this time of year."

* * *

 _"Weiss I am not wearing a white and blue suit. This is final."_

 _"Okay but what about-"_

 _"Yang why do you insist on me wearing leather pants?"_

 _"...scientific purposes?"_

 _"You know what? I'm going to leave it at that- Blake, where did you even find a ninja costume in a store like this?"_

 _"This isn't a ninja costume, it's a traditional Vacuoan garb from-"_

 _"Blake. I'm not wearing the ninja costume."_

 _"What about this?"_

 _"Weiss, I- that might actually work, give me a minute. Yang, where are those boots you found earlier? Blake, gimme the arm thingies on that and- alright we're doing this."_

Weiss eyed her partner's outfit approvingly. An emerald green coattail waistcoat, charcoal grey pants, and a white dress shirt - sleeves rolled up to show the dusty red armwraps and dark leather wand holsters. He also wore a nice, sturdy pair of leather boots.

Yang hummed thoughtfully. "Something's missing."

Blake nodded. "Hey, where's that cloak you had back during the fight with Torchwick?"

Harry reached back behind his head and pulled the Cloak into existence, fastening it neatly around his neck. The silvery Hallow settled comfortably on his shoulders.

"How about now?"

Yang made a rectangle with her fingers, lining it up with her team leader. "Alright, the outfit checks out."

Blake nodded. "Very stylish."

Weiss smirked. "Perfectly respectable."

Harry grinned. "Remedial Team Spirit Activity 3 Complete!"

* * *

Jaune Arc woke up in a very alarmed state. He patted himself down frantically, making sure he was still in one piece. Yep. He even still had all his stuff.

Hey, his arm didnt hurt anymore, either. What was up with that?

He sat up and looked around. Where there had once been a massive camp, there was now nothing but empty walls, ash, and garbage. How long had he been asleep? He rubbed his forehead in confusion, but stopped when he noticed something stuck to it.

He pulled off the sticky note and held it up to read it in the light of the rising sun.

 _Unlocked your Aura. Find me when you're strong._

 _\- Raven Branwen_

Aura? What was Aura? And who the hell was Raven Branwen?

* * *

 **[OMAKE #5] The Next Great Abridgement**

 **A/N: Help me oh god I can't stop him please help me oh god so much blood.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

 **Rights of Harry Potter and RWBY: Haha yes, we exist**

 **Pixelkind: give**

 **Rights of Harry Potter and RWBY: haha NO**

 **Pixelkind: Then perish**

 **And thus the universe was unborn.**

 **Volume 1:**

Harry: _transfigures Ozpin's coffee into a rooster_

Ozpin: Herold plz

Harry: _backflips into orbit and cuts the moon in half with his magic lightsabers_

 _the end_

 **Volume 2:**

 _meanwhile in the Next Next Great Adventure Adventure:_

Opzin: hunh, I wumbder werr heryy iz

 _the sun explodes_

Ozpin: ah

 _laughtrack_

 **Volume 3:**

 _meanwhile in season 3 of the next great abridgement:_

Weiss: HARRY! did you blow up the sun!?

Harry: ...maybe

Weiss: You know that's going to kill us all right!?

Harry: well now I do

 _laughtrack_

 **Volume 4:**

Weiss: you cut the moon in half too!? That was our last good moon!

Harry: _turns weiss into a chicken, high fives Yang, and backflips into a volcano_

Audience: _cheers_

 **Volume 5:**

Weiss: wow, I can't believe you managed to build a brand new sun using nothing but fire dust and some paper clips

Harry: _vomits enough magma to bury vale and then rides a shark into the sunset_

Harry: I feel I should mention that there is no longer a molten core

Harry: I was hungry

Audience: _laughs_

 **Volume 6:**

 _the sun rises over beacon academy. It is covered in lava, it is melting, it is breakfast._

 _in the dining hall, Nora stands before a small mountain of pancakes_

Nora: at last, my final challenge

 _Harry rises from the pancakes_

Harry: Not so fast! If you wish to eat the cakes of pan, you must first best me in single comba-

 _Norra's jaw unhinges and she eats the entire mountain of pancakes in a single bite_

Audience: _cheers_

Nora: now I can finally die and be reincarnated as a pancake in my next life

Harry: _(apparates next to her)_

Harry: Not with that attitude!

 _Nora hits Harry with her hammer as the Seinfeld theme plays_

Ozpin: _(drinks rooster)_

 **Volume 6.5, Jaune o'clock!**

Jaune: Oh b0y I can't wait to go to DEATH SCHOOL

 _(Jaune's airship crashes in the forest)_

Readers of NGA: Is he dead? I hope he's dead.

Jaune: So this is what it feels like to be almost dead.

Readers of NGA: dArn hEck

 **Volume 7, the grand finale:**

Harry: Pyrrha! You have no chance against me! I've destroyed kingdoms, planets, and entire worlds!

Harry: _(fights Pyrrha)_

Harry: _(loses)_

* * *

 **A/N: And so ends ACT 1: Viva La Muerte. The omake is because I made the mistake of letting Doobly write one.**

 **(DOOBLY: Haha yes)**

 **NO! I REBUKE YOU! YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE!**

 **(DOOBLY: fool. I am the beta, my power is infinity minus 1)**

 **Ah. curses.**


	13. INTERMISSION: Oh Lawd They Comin'

**A/N: im not dead just easily distracted. Think of the previous intermission as the act 1 epilogue while this is the act 2 prologue.**

 **DISCLAIMER: you know the drill, it ain't mine**

* * *

 **The Next Great Adventure**

 **[ACT 2]: Dead Man Talking**

 **[INTERMISSION]: Oh Lawd They Comin'**

 **[ALTERNATIVELY]: In Which Enough Bizarre Things Happen That Deciding Which One To Reference Here Is Really Too Much Work**

* * *

Harry stuck his head out between the cushions of the magically expanded pillow fort that had taken over a solid fifth of their dorm.

"Uh, guys?"

Yang and Ruby were playing their usual fighter game, Weiss was reviewing her notes from the past week like the boring nerd she was, and Blake… Blake was sitting upside down on the couch. Again. Eh, whatever.

"Torchwick broke out of jail. Again."

Blake's head snapped up towards him.

"No! Bad Blake! No hunting down wanted criminals! We're still in school! We're still in Remedial Self-Preservation Classes with Goodwitch!"

She relaxed, but never lost the worrying look in her eyes.

Yang tossed her controller to the side carelessly. "Eh, at least we got the reward money."

He shrugged and stuck the hand holding his Scroll out of the fort as well, squinting at the article pulled up on it. "Apparently he keeps breaking out and nobody has any idea how it happens. Something about illusions or teleportation? One of the guards was found with head trauma, multiple lacerations, and muttering about ice cream."

Ruby frowned. "I fought him once too, but he got away. That's how I got into Beacon, actually. Stopped him from robbing a Dust store."

Harry hummed thoughtfully. "I should probably learn how to use that stuff."

Weiss' pencil snapped in half. "You're honestly telling me you came to a Huntsman Academy and _don't know how to use Dust?_ "

Harry sank further into the walls of his fortress. "Yeah, is that weird?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Up. Now."

He blinked. "What?"

She rose from her desk and grabbed him by the collar. "Yang, bring me a suitcase of Dust, we're going into the Emerald Forest."

Harry grinned. "What, are you gonna drag me there?"

She smirked viciously, reaching up to her Gravity Dust earrings. "I don't think I will. I do hope you've brushed up on your landing strategy since Initiation."

Harry frowned. "Hey, that's-"

She snapped her fingers, creating a deep purple glyph underneath him.

"Try not to get too lost before we make it there!"

And with a flippant wave of her hand, he was hurtling out the window.

* * *

Roman Torchwick swallowed nervously from his position on the floor of the warehouse. The razor sharp edge of a black glass blade held steady exactly a quarter of an inch from his throat.

Cinder fixed him with an acid glare. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you for sheer incompetence."

He blinked. "Because you don't want to piss off Neo?"

The fiery eyes slid over to the silent figure casually twirling a parasol atop one of the many crates of Dust. "That would be fair, I suppose. It would be troublesome to re-forge the paperwork for a different team member and frankly you're not worth the effort." the blade rose but did not disappear, giving Torchwick room to sit up.

"Look, it's not _my_ fault those psychos showed up and ruined a perfectly good operation! Your White Fang grunts don't know how to keep quiet."

She blinked, unimpressed. "You were in charge of them, I fail to see how it _isn't_ your fault."

He rolled his eyes. "Either way, you really might want to invest in better minions. I actually know a guy-"

"Roman. I've already told you the plan requires you to use the Fang as a front."

"Yes, I am aware of that. The _problem_ is that there's no point in even bringing them along if literal schoolchildren can throw them around like sacks of potatoes! And that's not counting that pajama kid who's basically Ozpin's second coming!"

Cinder froze. "...Ozpin's second coming?"

Roman threw up his hands. "Yeah! The kid was throwing out fire whips and explosions like candy without a speck of Dust in sight! And don't get me started on that redhead with the laser beam!"

She frowned. "I'm going to consult my… _associates…_ on this. In the meantime, continue as you have been."

Roman grinned weakly and rolled to his feet. "If you insist."

* * *

Harry snickered to himself as he wandered the streets of Vale. Weiss was gonna be _so_ pissed when she figured out he wasn't in the Emerald Forest; _Ascendio_ was a rather useful travel spell if you already had horizontal velocity. Speaking of which, he'd have to try his hand at enchanting a broomstick. Easy flight during combat would be indispensable, since Apparation took too much focus to use quickly and reliably.

Actually, what would happen if he Splinched himself with his Aura up? Would he just lose some Aura or would he still have to regrow whatever sections were lost using its healing factor?

Now, being as lost in thought as he was, it should come as no surprise that he suddenly found himself on the ground, having just ran into a brick wall.

Oh wait, no, it was Penny again.

He hadn't seen her since before Hell Detention - Oh, sorry, _Remedial Self-Preservation Classes_ \- had started up. He never did get the opportunity to let her know how _frickin cool_ she was.

"Hey, Penny!"

She blinked, before going ramrod-straight and shaking her head jerkily. "Ah, apologies, you must be mistaking me for someone else."

He eyed her, unimpressed.

She hiccuped.

He put his hand on her shoulder.

She blinked.

"Penny Polendina."

"I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir-"

"You don't have to hide from me. I already had my suspicions, you know."

Her eyes went wide. "You figured it out?"

He nodded sagely. "The signs were obvious, if you were looking for them. Difficulty interacting with people, shooting giant lasers, being sturdier than your average automobile, disappearing at weird times, and I'm pretty sure your eyes glow sometimes..."

Her face fell. "General Ironwood will be so disappointed in me."

Harry blinked. "You mean _General Ironwood_ personally trained you himself? I was thinking something like an old martial arts master on a mountain took you as an apprentice or something but that works too."

Penny blinked. "Eh?"

Harry shrugged. "I get why you've been doing your best to pretend to be a normal person, like you aren't some Chosen One with Powers the Dark Lord Knows Not, but you don't have to hide from me. I was in the same boat too, once. Prophesied hero, opposing souls bound together, the balance of light and darkness resting upon me- the whole hog, really."

Penny simply stared at him for a moment. "Yes. You are correct. I am a mystical warrior trained to defend Remnant by General Ironwood himself." The sentence was followed up with another hiccup.

He held up his Scroll, giving it a little wiggle. "Here, I'll give you my contact info. Feel free to ring me up if you need help with anything. And I'll see if I can make you some magic items, can't go wrong with having a couple of those laying around."

She typed the number into her own Scroll reflexively, then blinked. "...thank you. I shall surely call upon you if such action is necessary."

He grinned. "Glad to hear it."

She stared at him for another moment. "Do you want to do friend things now, Harry?"

"I don't see why not. What's first on the list?"

* * *

In a dark room, a fiery-eyed woman eyed a peculiar, floating Grimm dubiously. "Salem?"

" _What is it, Cinder?_ "

"Torchwick described a man he encountered as, and I quote, Ozpin's second coming. Is he…?"

" _My spies have not reported Ozpin's death, so it cannot be. But if it is… if he managed to split himself, reincarnate without death, we must know. He also could have covered up his own death, prepared a replacement to take his place and act in his stead while he acclimated to a new body… investigate this, Cinder. I will require weekly updates._ "

Cinder nodded. "It shall be done."

" _Good. Is there anything else?_ "

She hesitated. "If it _is_ Ozpin, I might need reinforcements."

" _And here I thought you were proud of the puppet strings you hold. Don't worry, I shall send Arthur if I deem it necessary._ "

CInder made a face.

" _What, would you prefer I send Tyrian? I'm sure he'd have fun over there._ "

She shuddered and shook her head. "I can handle it."

" _Oh, Cinder dear, what have I told you about making promises you can't keep?_ "

* * *

Harry placidly strolled down the street alongside Penny. "So… what exactly are we doing?"

She frowned. "I was under the impression that simply wandering around a city together was a thing friends do. Was I mistaken?"

He tilted his head. "I mean, you're not _wrong_ , but if you don't have a particular goal for the trip usually you look around and explore any sort of shop that looks interesting."

Penny blinked and turned to him. "Do you have a particular goal for this outing, Harry?"

He hummed thoughtfully. _Technically_ he was supposed to be figuring out how to use Dust but he could totally just talk to Professor Peach then hit the library. "Nah. How about you?"

Penny opened her mouth, but before she could speak, a nearby shop window shattered. A greenish-grey blur soared out the new hole, releasing a continuous sound somewhere between terrified screaming and a rapidly deflating balloon.

Passersby screamed and ran for cover, but Harry hadn't been Gryffindor's Seeker five years straight for nothing. His hand snapped out and deftly caught the… snake? It was a snake.

It had been a two foot long snake rocketing down the street like a runaway balloon.

~ _I warned him. I_ told _him I was full on Wind Dust but nooooooo let's feed the snake some more! Bloody inconsiderate._ ~

Harry blinked. ~ _Did you just say someone fed you Wind Dust?_ ~

The snake rolled his eyes. ~ _Oh, look, someone_ intelligent _finally showed up! Can you please tell this oaf_ ,~ it flicked its tail towards the speechless shopkeeper who was staring at him through the broken window, ~ _that I need to grow more to be able to handle that much Dust?_ ~

Harry blinked again, but relayed the message.

Penny's head tilted curiously. "You can speak to snakes?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't know they could use Dust."

She peered closely at the snake in his hand before turning back to him. "That's a Mistralian Dust Viper, most likely between a year or two old judging by its length. They're one of the few creatures that can unlock their Auras naturally. They're also unique in their ability to digest Dust to store in their scales and mix into their venom. It would appear this particular specimen has consumed a rather large amount of Wind Dust."

Harry took a moment to process the information. "Huh, cool." He turned back to the snake. ~ _You, uh, got a name?_ ~

The snake pondered this for a moment. ~ _I will allow you to call me Rufus._ ~

Harry's eyebrows rose, but he looked up at the sign for the store Rufus had come from. Laethus Gonzorian's Huntsman-Grade Pet Shop, apparently.

He tilted his head curiously. "Huntsman-Grade Pet Shop?"

Penny nodded. "Most if not all the animals for sale here have their Auras unlocked. They were either specifically bred for the purpose, or were previously companions to a Huntsman who passed away."

Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully. ~ _Hey Rufus, you wanna come with me? I can't imagine being stuck in a pet shop is much fun._ ~

Rufus eyed him dubiously. ~ _Are you strong?_ ~

Harry grinned wolfishly at him. ~ _I slew the King of Snakes and lived to tell the tale._ ~

Rufus coiled himself around Harry's arm, slithering up and coming to rest just before his elbow. ~ _Excellent. I shall grace you with my continued presence._ ~

Harry nodded to himself and turned to the shopkeep. "How much for the snake?"

* * *

Jaune sat pensively in the middle of the abandoned bandit camp. The note said that his Aura had been activated, and he still didn't know what that even _meant_. 'Aura' reminded him of those shady fake fortune teller people- was this Raven Branwen lady some sort of mystic?

Eh, that didn't matter. The important part was finding his way to Vale so he could get his Huntsman education. He'd first approached the doors to the camp at an angle, and the setting sun had been at his back; that meant that Vale was… _that way_.

And his sisters said he wouldn't be able to navigate his way out of a paper bag. Who's laughing now, Indigo?

Suddenly, his thoughts were disturbed by the faint and surprisingly ominous sound of drilling.

Jaune stood up and unsheathed Crocea Mors. The sound was growing louder now, coming from almost directly under him. He carefully stepped aside, just as a violently spinning bone-white drill head erupted from the dirt.

Followed by the rest of the Grimm.

It was a three foot _tall penguin-bear hybrid_ with a _drill_ where a beak would be. Its rage-filled eyes glared out from the shadows beneath its bone-armored forehead, and it stood on two stubby legs. It spun its drill at him menacingly, emitting the occasional click.

What the _fuck_. That right there, that was _proof_ that there was some crazy person out there designing Grimm because there was _no way in Hell_ this sort of thing would _ever_ occur naturally.

The thing was so _utterly bizarre_ , Jaune didn't even notice that the drilling sound hadn't stopped until the ground fell out from beneath him.

* * *

 **[OMAKE #6] MageTide Part 1: A Warmaiden's First Impression**

 **(A/N: the MageTide omake series** _ **is**_ **canon to NGA. It takes place ~300 years earlier)**

You sit alone at the tavern bar.

Allow me to elaborate. You are a tall blonde woman, and by no means can you be called unattractive. You are of neither ill temper or foul spirits, nor are you afflicted by some highly contagious disease. The establishment you are in is the most popular in the town - which, to be entirely honest, isn't really saying much seeing as it was founded little more than four months ago - and the surrounding tables are populated by a variety of men.

No, the fault for your solitude lay squarely on the multitude of arms and armor that adorn your person.

You are currently wearing a full set of cream-white armor, along with your abbreviated arsenal of two sabers, two shortswords, three hunting knives, a machete, and a rapier - all of which are sheathed with a generous measure of ground Blast Dust for quicker removal. Slung across your back is your prized battle standard, which bears a cream-white flag with your symbol, twin golden crescents, emblazoned on it. You require the standard for your Semblance; you used to use your hair, but there was an unfortunate incident with a Boarbatusk and a large amount of tree sap, and you discovered that a flag worked just as well in the interim.

Your name is Noir Arc, and you came to the Kingdom of Vale seeking honor and glory. You have been here for two weeks and found neither so far. You console yourself with the fact that you _did_ achieve your secondary goal of getting away from your brothers; you have seven. Hoodlums, the lot of them.

Over time, the natural order of things prevails and a man approaches you. A hunter or warrior-merchant, based off the bow and quiver that rest on his back. You had to be a warrior regardless of how you won your bread these days, what with all the Grimm running amok.

The man has a proposition for you. You eye him dubiously. He's short and thin, with snow-white hair and ice-blue eyes. His face is thin, although not unpleasantly so, and he emits a definite air of aristocracy.

All in all, he's not your type. You tell him such.

"No, no, no," he laughs. "Not that kind of proposition." His name is Throckmorton Schnee and he is a warrior-merchant, as you previously surmised. His expertise lies in the realm of acquiring, transporting, and refining raw Dust.

Apparently he has come across a large and pure vein of the material, only to find its surroundings to be the territory of a monstrous arachnid. A Boneweaver, large and old enough to merit its own name: The Crimson Widow. He requires a more… specialised warrior to bring it down, and offers a third of whatever profit he makes off the dust as compensation.

A Named Grimm and sizeable pay? This is _exactly_ what you've been waiting for. You grin and take his outstretched hand.

 _Your name is Noir Arc, although throughout your career you will be known by many others; "The Warmaiden" will be the only one to stick. Stories of your exploits will be told for generations to come, and future historians will dub you "the Mother of the Modern Huntress". Your progeny will be at the front lines of the world's battles, against both Grimm and other forces, for centuries to come; eventually culminating in the man who will be widely acknowledged as "Technically the Most Effective Huntsman in History."_

 _Your name is Noir Arc, and this is your story._

* * *

 **A/N: oh boy, that was a doozy. I intended for this chapter to be way shorter, but then I remembered exactly how many things I had to set up for Act 2. Harry continues being an idiot, Rufus the Mistralian Dust Viper begins to even out the mostly female cast, Jaune gets cast unto the abyss by some Grimm Diggles, and Cinder gets some screen time!**


	14. Lost in the Sauce

**A/N: I'm not dead just easily distracted.**

 **DISCLAIMER:**

PIXELKIND: ...so you're telling me all we have to do is unite the four Relics, summon the Brothers of Light and Darkness, and just ask them to give me the rights to RWBY and Harry Potter?

OZPIN: well, yes, but there's even odds of them also killing literally everyone. Again.

PIXELKIND: that is a risk I'm willing to take

* * *

 **[ACT 2]: Dead Man Talking**

 **[CHAPTER 14]: Lost In The Sauce**

 **[ALTERNATIVELY]: In Which the Coolest Upperclassmen Ever Make Their Presence Known**

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen," began Harry, "today is a day for celebration. Not just for us, but also for our sister Team RRVN"

Weiss eyed him dubiously. "I don't think-"

Harry continued talking. "My fellow team leader and I have prepared a variety of activities to celebrate getting out of Mega Detention and the end of the holidays."

Ruby grinned from next to him and dropped the massive binder in her arms onto the lunch table. Weiss sighed and pulled it towards herself.

"Alright, lets see what you've got. 3-legged races, paintball fight, Smash tournament, food fight-" She looked up at Harry. "You want to celebrate getting out of detention with Goodwitch… by starting a _food fight_?"

He shrugged. "It's just an option. Also its less _starting_ the food fight and more just _participating_ in it."

"Well, who would end up starting it?"

Harry shrugged, flicking his wand behind his back. "I dunno…"

At that moment, a resounding crash of metal rang out from directly behind them, followed by a wet splatter.

"Probably Winchester, though."

Yang slowly reached up to touch her hair. Her eyes flared red as she turned to face the now prostrate Cardin. "You…," she hissed violently. "You got beans in my _hair_."

He glared back at her, oblivious to his impending doom. " _You_ got your _hair_ in my _beans_!"

Yang's hair caught fire.

* * *

Harry pointed his weapon upwards as his foe lounged upon the wreckage of the room, piled high in a twisted monument to chaos. "You… you _monster_! We were supposed to be _team leader buddies_!"

Ruby let out a cold, high laugh. "You poor fool, you should have seen this betrayal coming for miles. It was almost too easy."

He glared and clenched his fist, squirting ketchup across a nearby lunch table. "Whoops- I mean, JUSTICE SHALL BE SWIFT! JUSTICE SHALL BE PAINFUL! AND IT SHALL BE DELICIOUS!"

Ruby smirked and rose to her feet. "The Queens-Plus-Ren of the Castle will not fall easily. BATTLE FORMATIONS!"

Weiss swiped a baguette off a nearby tray and brandished it in the air. "DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!"

Nora casually picked up a watermelon in each hand. "Don't worry, we provide both!"

Yang shoved her fists straight into a pair of roast chickens and smacked them together with a sickeningly wet slap. "Bring it _on_."

Ren sighed and pulled… a pair of leeks? Out of his sleeves? Why did he- no, best not question it, that way lay the road to madness.

Blake was taking a page from Harry's book and hefted an entire raw tuna.

Pyrrha grabbed a serving platter and a swordfish.

There was a moment of silence as the tension between sides rose. Harry opened his mouth to shout the order to charge, and-

A lunch table crashed into the middle of the battlefield, bouncing twice before screeching to a halt on the far side of the room. A voice rang out across the room, filled with sadistic glee.

"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE," shouted Coco Adel from atop an even _higher_ twisted monument to chaos.

"Make it… quadruple?" mumbled Velvet Scarlatina from her position at the base of the pile of tables.

"To protect the world from devastation!" intoned Yatsuhashi Daichi, brandishing a glorious amalgamation of baguettes and cheese in the shape of a greatsword and tied together with sausage links.

Fox Alistair sighed and stuck his arms through a stack of cheese wheels. "Yeah, yeah, we're Team CFVY, fight us already."

Coco groaned and massaged her forehead. "Damnit Fox, we had a thing going and you ruined it."

He frowned and pointed at her accusingly. "It was an anime reference. I'm _blind_. That's just insensitive!"

She waved him off flippantly. " _Anyways_ , we're here to see what you got. Bring it on, Freshmen!"

Harry made eye contact with Ruby. "Truce?"

She nodded. "Truce."

Harry grinned and levelled his ketchup bottle at Coco. "Ladies and gentlemen, let's get this bread."

* * *

Neptune frowned curiously as he followed his friend across the Beacon grounds. "...so how cool are these guys? As cool as me? Cooler?"

Sun tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I mean… they're not cool in the conventional sense _at all_ , but they're super chill. They'd fit right in back in Vacuo."

Neptune tilted his head. "You know, I can never tell if that's supposed to be an insult."

"Depends who you ask," Sun quipped as he threw open the cafeteria doors.

Chaos.

The twisted wreckage of what used to be a pile of lunch tables was strewn across the floor, along with what looked to be the entire menu. A single tower dominated the center of the room, where four upperclassmen armed with food were trying to subdue… was that Pyrrha Nikos? Yeah. With a swordfish and serving tray in place of sword and shield.

Neptune nodded slowly. "I, uh, see what you mean."

"Hey, look, Sun brought backup! C'mon, we're regrouping! _Accio backup!_ "

Sun and Neptune found themselves sliding across the room to where Harry and some redhead midget's teams were hunkering down behind an overturned table. A haphazardly crafted staff made of two baguettes jammed into a cheese wheel was thrust into the Vacuoan's hands.

Sun gave his new weapon an experimental twirl. "Alright, what's the game plan?"

"Well, under my leadership we got creamed, so…" Harry turned to his diminutive companion and saluted dramatically. "Your orders, Commander Ruby?"

She frowned. "What do you guys usually do, then?"

Harry, Weiss, Yang, and Blake looked at each other for a moment, before turning back. "Rush in and hit the enemy?"

Sun and Neptune nodded. "Yeah, that sounds right."

Ruby groaned and massaged her forehead. "The Remedial Self-Preservation classes are starting to make a lot of sense now… Let's see… Their teamwork is better than ours, so we're aiming for divide and conquer. I don't know how long Pyrrha can last so we need to take pressure off her. I think we focus on Coco, followed by Fox, then Velvet, then, uh, the big sword guy? We'll leave Pyrrha on Fox, so we need to lock down the other two… Harry on Sword guy, Yang on Velvet? Everyone else, focus on Coco unless they need help. Got that?"

The makeshift army nodded as one. Ruby hopped onto the table they were hiding behind and pointed towards the battle with Croissant Rose. "Then let's GO!"

Harry grinned and vaulted over their barricade, snagging a sausage chain to complement his ketchup bottle. He flicked it out, wrapping tightly around the center of the giant man's equally giant cheese sword and pulling it back. A squirt from the ketchup bottle had the thick red condiment splashing towards his enemy's eyes, but it was blocked by the hilt of the glorious two-handed abomination of a weapon.

The man's eyes settled on Harry as he smoothly untangled his blade from the sausages in a single motion. "So you are my opponent, yes? You should know the name of the man who will destroy you. I am Yatsuhashi Daichi of Team CFVY."

Harry grinned and pulled his makeshift whip back. "I am Harry Potter of Team PWBL, and it is _you_ who will taste defeat!"

"Good one," shouted Yang as she hammered her chicken fists against… Velvet's bare arms? Was that allowed in a food fight? Ah, wait, she'd wrapped string cheese around her hands and arms to make an improvised dairy cestus. All was well.

Yatsuhashi grimaced at the repeated wet thwacking sounds but brandished his weapon all the same. "Then let us begin."

The bread-and-cheese approximation of a greatsword whipped forward at a frankly surprising speed, forcing Harry to dance backwards to avoid it. He gave a retaliatory flick of his sausage whip to his opponent's face, who responded by ducking under the attack and smoothly transitioning into what promised to be a devastating uppercut.

It was at this point Harry realized you can't really block a giant sword with a sausage chain or a bottle of ketchup.

Thinking quickly, he tossed the latter into the trajectory of the attack and leapt onto the lunch table behind him.

The bottle was pulverized by the blow, splattering ketchup across the ceiling and also Yatsuhashi. While the giant paused to clean the condiment from his eyes, Harry frantically scanned his locale for anything still shaped like a sword.

No? Oh well. Plan B it was. Harry grabbed his sausage chain with his other hand, pulling it taut.

Yatsuhashi recovered and glared at the smirking wizard.

"It's over Yatsuhashi," Harry taunted. "I have the high ground!"

A wry grin spread across the man's face as he dropped into a different stance. "You underestimate my power."

And then he crushed the table with his giant cheese sword, catapulting Harry into the air.

That was okay. He could work with that.

The giant launched another thrusting attack at him, taking advantage of his inability to dodge midair. Harry twisted his body, looping the sausage chain around the tip of the sword and pulling it back as he fell down on the other side of his opponent.

Yatsuhashi quickly reversed his grip and spun around, his second jab being redirected by the still attached sausages.

Harry eyed the giant cheese sword that had just punched a hole in the cafeteria floor next to his head and took a moment to reconsider his life choices.

Fortunately for the continuation of his lifespan, the power went out at that particular moment.

"What just…"

A pink flash of light drew everyone's eyes to the far wall, where a brightly sparking Nora was holding a fork stuck in a toaster. She blinked. "What? Pyrrha gets a metal tray as a shield but I'm not allowed to put forks in toasters?"

Harry tilted his head. "She makes a fair point."

Nora picked up Melonhild and pointed it at him. "THANK YOU!"

And suddenly, Harry was in the middle of being suplexed, Coco Adel was splattered red and flying through a broken hole in the roof, and Yang's legs were sticking out from between two vending machines.

What?

 _Right_ , everyone has weird superpowers. Guess they can't all be as obvious as super speed or magic runes or electricity steroids.

Not that his head cared all that much when it was smashed into the ground. Gotta love Aura, man. Saves you from concussions.

"Semblances," he muttered weakly as his opponent left to take on Nora. "They're using their semblances. Let's use ours."

Neptune frowned over at his prostrate body. "You already said that."

He did? "Then this Yatsuhashi guy has a weird one."

Wait, if semblances were allowed… _Accio Baguette!_

The rigid bread slapped into his hand, and he jumped to his feet. He brandished his weapon in the air. "WE RIDE TO VALHALLA!"

The vaguely amused voice of Fox Alistair echoed in his head. " _Sorry, kid. It's over._ "

Something yellow flashed in the corner of his eyes, and then everything went black.

* * *

The dim blue light from the communications hologram reflected in the gears above Ozpin's tower office, giving the room a dark, cold ambience.

" _What do you plan to do about the Mountain Glenn situation? It's not often we have time to interrogate a criminal like Torchwick before he breaks out… I do hope you're doing something about it, Oz_."

Ozpin rolled his eyes. "James, I've been doing this for _quite_ a few years longer than you have. I have a team in mind."

" _A team? A single team? Four student Huntsmen versus Oum knows how many White Fang?_ "

Ozpin sighed and put down his coffee cup. "I'm not an idiot. They're a wonderful team who have proven themselves in a real world situation. I have _no doubts_ that they can complete this mission successfully. They're resourceful, they're focused, and most importantly of all-"

His scroll beeped. He pulled it out and sighed again. "...they just got in a food fight. I'll be right back, I have to make sure Glynda doesn't expel them."

* * *

Harry was woken from his _wonderful_ nap by the curious sensation of being held upside-down by his ankles and shaken vigorously. He slowly opened his eyes to see… a completely clean and normal cafeteria? Was that whole mess some bizarre fever dream?

Wait, no, Weiss was covered in pizza sauce and Professor Goodwitch was looking at him funny.

"Winchester started it."

Weiss frowned. "What he means to say is, 'I started it by tripping Winchester into Yang'."

Goodwitch's eyebrow rose. Harry looked at his teammate in betrayal. "What did I do to you, Weiss? Is this about Rufus? Rufus is _great_."

Weiss glared at him. "YOU BROUGHT AN ANIMAL INTO OUR DORM AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL ANYONE!"

"It's not like he's taking up any space."

"YOU INSTALLED A TERRARIUM IN THE WALL! THAT VIOLATES AT LEAST FOUR SEPARATE SECTIONS OF THE RULES!"

He waved his arm flippantly, still upside-down. "Eh, it's not harming anyone and I can put it back to how it was at _literally_ any time."

Weiss sighed and massaged her forehead. "I'm done. I'm done with him. I don't know if I'll even survive a year like this."

Goodwitch frowned but turned to Team CFVY. "And _you_ bunch! What were you _thinking_?"

Coco blinked lazily, still trying to straighten her coat. "Something like, 'Lets see what these freshmen got', actually." She pointed at Nora. "I like this one's spunk."

Nora pumped her fist victoriously from her position embedded in the wall.

Goodwitch sighed. "Have you learned anything from this, by any chance?"

Harry raised his hand. "Team CFVY are a bunch of badasses and you shouldn't try to fight them?"

She sighed and dropped him. On his head.

* * *

Jaune was very surprised to wake up alive on the floor of a cave. If the fall hadn't done him in, the Grimm surely should have.

Oh. He hadn't even lost consciousness in the first place. And all his limbs were intact. And he was glowing.

He drew Crocea Mors and stared in wonder as a shimmering golden glow enveloped the sword.

"Is this that Aura stuff? I'm a magical glow stick now? _Cool_."

He pointed his sword at the nearest Grimm, which was another one of those drill bird abominations. He'll call them… Diggles. Suitably insulting for a _stupid bird thing_ that should _never have existed in the first place_.

"Hey, Diggle!"

The Grimm's malevolent red eyes turned their infinitely wrathful gaze upon him.

He glared back. "Yeah, you. You wanna fight? Not gonna lie, I'm basically a badass at this point."

It pressed its ridiculous drill beak to the ground and tunneled its way downwards.

He snorted. "Heh. That's what I thought. Frickin nerd."

And then it erupted from the ground directly in front of him, screaming it's awful Diggle war cry.

Jaune _really_ missed home.

* * *

 **[OMAKE #7] MageTide Part 2: A Warmaiden's Banner Is Meant To Fly**

You eye your employer carefully as the two of you carefully pick your way through the forest. Over the past two days you've traveled together, you've come to the unfortunate realization that you aren't particularly meant to get out of this alive.

Throckmorton Schnee doesn't seem to _want_ you all that dead, of course. He simply doesn't expect you to survive an encounter with "The Crimson Widow." Over the past two days you've discovered he is ruthlessly pragmatic, and likely wouldn't let such a little thing as a 100% employee mortality rate stop him from applying his craft to the best of his ability.

While your job description may be 'hired protection', your role in the operation is closer to 'bait' than anything else.

But then again, you aren't just any old brainless muscle; You are Noir Arc, and you have been trained by the best swordmasters in Mistral. Your blades are forged from the finest of steel, and you possess a Semblance that has been described to be a godsend in the endless battle against the dark tides of Grimm.

You also possess a mentality that has been described as somewhere between suicidal and outright insane, but that's neither here nor there. You are, as they say, here for a good time rather than a long time.

Throckmorton holds up his hand, indicating that he has located the Dust vein. Which turns out to have been a subtle way of describing a crystal two feet taller than you jutting out of the ground like some sort of inexplicably mineral shrubbery. There is likely even more underground, but the two of you have neither the time nor ability to transport quite that much of the valuable resource.

The crystal sits at the edge of a heavily webbed clearing. You reach out a hand, tugging on a nearby stand and watching the soft blue of your Aura sizzle against it. Your quarry is a Boneweaver of the Steelspun variety, known for their webs of razor-sharp threads. The Grimm is likely somewhere between 200 and 300 years old, judging from the strength and volume of the silk.

You step into the clearing, bones crunching under your feet. To suffer defeat at the claws of a Boneweaver such as this is to suffer a fate worse than death; similar to their non-demonic counterparts, they wrap their defeated prey in their "silk." The difference is that the Grimm do not eat; they simply bask in the fear their victims feel as they die a death of a thousand cuts.

You turn your head, issuing instructions to Throckmorton. "Begin once I have its attention, but pack it as you go in case I'm forced to call retreat."

He nods, fully expecting you to die before you get the chance.

The Crimson Widow emerges from the ground, bones and dirt cascading from the arachnoid behemoth. Its body is almost completely covered in thick bone plating, a testament to its age.

You remove the Arc Standard from your back and plant it in the center of the clearing.

The flag unfurls, and your soul _sings_.

This is your Semblance: "Light of Victory." Where your banner flies, those who consider it theirs are blessed with increased Aura reserves and regeneration.

With a precise pulse of Aura, the Blast Dust sheathed with your sabers ignites, flinging the simple steel blades into your waiting hands.

Your name is Noir Arc, and you've been hired to slay an Ancient Grimm. Although this is the first time you've faced such a creature, you believe yourself to be up to the task. You whip your twin sabers through the air experimentally; they are perfectly balanced, as always. As the chitinous demon approaches, you grow increasingly sure your story has only just begun.

The telltale blue shimmer of your Aura reaching maximum capacity brings a smirk to your face. Your name is Noir Arc, and you're about to put your money where your mouth is.

* * *

 **A/N: So Team CFVY crashes the food fight, Ozpin got the Mtn Glenn info out of Torchwick before he broke out, Jaune's aura _does_ actually work and now he has to actually fight a Grimm Diggle.**

 **I would like to take this opportunity to remind y'all that the MageTide omake series is canon to NGA and _will_ eventually be relevant to the plot in ways that would be ruined if I actually explained it, so if you skipped it last chapter I recommend going back and giving it a look.**

 **Did something make you laugh? cry? throw your laptop across your room? Did I do anything particularly well, or is there anything you think I need to improve on? Let me know in the reviews! A key aspect of improving skills is feedback, and that's what reviews are there for!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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